RelationSHIT?

[Xmummyto2]

Hello all, mumsnet virgin here!

Just need something to rant to and get some advice.

I am a young mum(26) and I have been in a relationship for just over 7 years. I have a 5 year old and I am expecting my second child. My relationship with my OH hasn't been sunshine and rainbows, but when it's good it's fantastic. The thing is, my OH has always had a temper. He has never raised his hand to me, nor his daughter. But he just always seems to put me down. I try and encourage him to do things to improve his life, but he just always comes back with 'your just a fat mess' and mentions my mental health (I have suffered anxiety, depression in the past.) now that I'm expecting I go to sleep earlier, and he always has a problem 'I've been at work all day, what excuse do you have, you're just lazy.) the sex is a no go at the moment, my bump is growing and I'm just not feeling great about myself. Also, when we have an argument or something he overwrites what I say to our child. If I send her to bed 'oh daddy will keep you up' 'treat/film before bed (no!) go and choose a film then sweetie'. My daughter is a daddies girl and she just shouts and they 'team up' in some aspects. I'm not weak, but I just can't help it and I get frustrated and just cry. I'm alone right now, I can't tell anyone this has continued because I left him in the past because of how he spoke to me and he just fed me bullshit and I believed that everything will be fine. My parents don't wanna hear it cos' it'll just be an 'I told you so'. When the relationship is good, it can be really good. It's just wearing me down.

I wouldn’t be staying with a partner who treated me like that.

Suitcase and door. Why would you even think of staying ? He treats you like filth, you're better than that

Ffs. Get out, now. This is abuse. Get out and do the freedom programme

From your position, you feel what’s happening. It’s awful, in spite of the good days. Most abusive relationships are up and down, that’s why women tend to stick it out for so long, clinging to the possibility of those once in a while ‘happy days’

Abusers often drag other people into their arguments. They do it to isolate you. To drag your child in is awful. Your child doesn’t stand a chance in this environment.

This is what your child is seeing and experiencing...

Daddy says mummy is fat and lazy. That must be true because Mummy does have a large tummy and goes to bed early and is often tired.

Daddy gets cross at mummy for this do it must make Daddy feel bad. Naughty mummy.

Daddy is so kind to me. Mummy wants me to go to bed but Daddy says I can stay and watch whatever I want on tv. Mummy is horrible because she is cross with Daddy for this.

Can you see what HE is doing to your CHILD. He is also abusing your child. Already the two of them are often a team against you. You have to protect your child from him. Your child thinks he’s the hero. Your child is not equipped to make the right decision for her own well being. You are. You know this is wrong. Stand up for your child. Stop her growing up be manipulated and being turned into a spiteful bully. Stop that man from turning your child against you when you are all your child has to look after her well being.
The only way you can do this is to remove yourself and your child from this relationship. Your daughter will find this difficult, but you will have her without his influence. You live her, be firm with her, be fun with her and parent her just as you should. She will be angry at you, but understand she’s been used and abused and manipulated. Show her you don’t shout and scream, you stand tall and strong and firm.
I would insist your husband goes to anger management as shouting and throwing vile insults and drawing kids in is actually abusive behaviour.
I think it’s the only way. Xxxx

Thankyou for your replies, I really appreciate it. It's just when I mention it to him how he talks to me he just doesn't think it is what it is. I'm out at the moment just done the school run, I will be able to give more in depth info when home x

You know you need to leave him for good.

Is that what you're asking advice on?

My mum was in a similar position to you. She stayed and continued having child after child, conceived during the good times.
One day the verbal abuse and put downs just weren't enough and he did Hit her.
They'd been married for 8 years when the physical abuse and cheating begun and it didn't stop until she was thrown down the stairs at 8 months pregnant and I was the one who had to call for police and ambulance. My 3 younger brothers were witness to this and to this day we all suffer in various ways because of our parents relationship even though we had great times too....
Think of your children and leave asap.

Sounds awful op. Please take steps to leave. Will be harder to go once you have a tiny new born. Your family don't sound too supportive. I take it they don't like him? Will they be supportive if you leave?
I wouldnt go to counselling or anger management. He's not a good un.
Agree you must leave for your daughters sake as well as your own.

He’s seriously abusive! Can you go and live with your parents with your daughter for a while, especially when the baby arrives? He’ll probably wear you down to the point of no return if you stay with him. Don’t let him gaslight you into staying.

It doesn't matter how good the good times are, it matters how respectful he is during the bad times.

I posted something very similar to this for one of my first ever MN posts twelve years ago. I didn't realise how abusive it was and how my misery in my marriage wasn't just because "marriage is hard work" as I had always been told by my parents. He was abusive in the same way as yours is and I should have left him when advised to here. As it was I stayed for another three years and had a full mental breakdown in the end. I managed to end it and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner.