Is my friend being insensitive? Or am I overreacting?

[Defenestrator]

Hi all

I'm a bit pissed off but I might be overreacting.

My marriage is on the brink of ending. I don't have many people to speak to in real life and those I have all have quite a bit of stuff of their own going on at the moment. My oldest friend died last year and I realise now just how much support she used to give me (very much a two-way street) and god I miss her.

I have another very dear friend who I've been listening to over the past couple of years while she's gone through some hideous circumstances and doing my best to support. Again, usually a two-way street with our friendship. We live several hundred miles apart and only see each other a few times a year, except for recently when I've been to see her several times to help her deal with stuff.

We have a weekend together planned this weekend and I'm desperate to talk to her about the break up of my marriage because I don't know what on earth I'm going to do. However I've just heard that the plans for the weekend include going out with her friends on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I'm inordinately pissed off about this as she knows I'm in not in a good place. I don't know any of her friends and I dread spending time with strangers when I'm feeling so low.

I know I haven't posted this in AIBU because I'm a bit too fragile, but am I? Whenever she visits me she comes for four or more days and brings her teenager. I take time off and we do things planned around her teen (she usually books stuff in advance). The last several times I've been to see her we've just done normal family weekend stuff like take teen to clubs, pick teen up, do supermarket shopping, take recycling (I have a bigger car than her so we always do a trip to the tip). So nothing special and absolutely normal when your friend's a single parent.

This weekend the teen is at her dad's and I was looking forward to a weekend just the two of us for the first time in five years.

How do I tell her I don't want to spend a weekend just tagging along with her life again because actually I'm in crisis and need support? I haven't actually asked anything of her for years. Is it ok not to want to go out with a bunch of people I don't know three days on the trot? The prospect is exhausting.

How do I deal with this? Thanks and apologies for length.

Tell her you need support and time with your oldest friend. If she won't prioritise you then I wouldn't go

Is she coming to stay with you, OP?

No I'm going to stay with her again. She hasn't been to mine for nearly a year.

I know you say that it’s a two way street with your friendship but is it really?

The bit about you always doing a tip run with her when you visit stood out for me. It made it sound like a bit more of a parent child dynamic?

Anyway no of course YANBU. It sounds exhausting and it also sounds like it’s just not what you need right now. But she may not change her plans for you.

She might feel that you need jollying op and that’s why she has arranged social outings.

She’s got it wrong, possibly not intentionally and meant well.

Tell her straight.

I am looking forward to seeing you and I was hoping to relax on my visit to yours as I really to get some things off my chest and talk and I know you will cheer me up and I can trust you.

I really don’t want to go out and socialise, I just don’t feel up to it at the moment.

Do you want to scrap my visit this time and we arrange a time when you’re not so busy?’

She will either rearrange or reconsider and make amendments to your visit to give you more of her time.

If this was me I'd just tell my friend the truth. Just be honest with her. Maybe she just hasn't thought. I'm sure she will clear at least one the days just for you if she is that good a friend.

I don’t think she’ll cancel her plans

You should speak up, though. Tell her you’re really not up to socialising, you had hoped to have time with her to discuss your relationship ending and you’re disappointed that’s not going to happen because every night is full.

See what she says.

I wouldn’t go if you’re not up to it.

The other thing is that if she has been through some hideous things recently she may just not feel up to supporting you at this time. And maybe she really wants to let her hair down.

I know it’s not what you need right now but it sounds like things have been really difficult for her.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to OP?

I've known her for 30 years. We were teenagers when we met. We've been through a lot together.

But yes, the bit about the tip run was to demonstrate that when I go to her house, her life just carries on as normal, doing boring humdrum things that people do at weekends to run their lives, but when she comes to me I ensure she and her daughter are entertained - I cook fancy stuff and bake for her teen (she's vegetarian so I find recipes to suit). Blimey, the more I think about it the more I realise it's actually quite one sided, isn't it?

We drifted apart a bit in our 30s when she was married and her daughter was born. I was single and child free so our lives were very different. She also did extremely well in her career (far, far better than me!) so again, very different lives. I wonder if this is when a power dynamic was set.

I now am finally doing well career wise and up until very recently have had a very happy marriage. Still no children so two incomes mean we have a rather nice life. Which is now in jeopardy and I wanted help to save it.

One of the things I love about Mumsnet is that someone, somewhere, has always had experience of the very thing you're going through and can point out stuff like the parent/child dynamic mentioned above. Also, just getting stuff down on paper in a way that people can understand makes me sort out my thinking instead of just being stuck in a headwhirl. This is why I wanted to talk about my marriage.

Oh and thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate them.

I don't really have anyone else to talk to. My sister isn't helpful - she's been dismissive of my relationship since it started and thinks I'm just a moaning Minnie - I'll be ok financially when/if we split and that's all she's bothered about. She's already asked me if I will share some of any divorce settlement because I'll "be rich and won't notice it".

I realise now I've neglected my friendships as I've been wrapped up in my marriage.

I'd talk to her before you freak out anymore OP. I get it, I wouldn't want to be hanging out with strangers either but she may be more outgoing and thought you would enjoy some fun on the town in a large group.

Tell her you need one on one time and don't want to hang out with a large group of people you don't know. If she cancels her plans that'll tell you what you need to know, if she won't cancel her plans then you know where you stand and I wouldn't go.

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time.

Did you talk to her yet, Defenestrator?

Actually I did. And she's cancelled everything so it's just us two. I'm quite surprised but very pleased and I realise how desperate I am to talk to someone to help sort out my thinking.

I used some of Soola's words upthread so thanks for the input - it worked!

Glad you got it sorted op. Hope you have a nice time away and a good chat with your friend.

As trite as it sounds, time does heal.

So pleased to hear that OP. Glad your friend has stepped up and I hope you have a proper chat this weekend.

That's brilliant, well done for speaking up.

Can you message her and just say can we have some time just us this weekend as I’m going through a hard time and could really do with just some time with you. I’d think that was fair enough if someone said that to me.
It’s my pet hate arranging to visit a friend and then other people being there who I’m not going to make friends with (due to distance etc) and having to make polite conversation.

Oh good! Have a good weekend. I’m glad she’s being a good friend, OP.

User that's exactly what I did do. And it worked

Thanks all