Visitation

[0987anne]

My daughter is going to her first mediation appointment tomorrow as her ex wants shared living arrangements. Her son was sexually abused at his house by his new stepson. She is currently waiting on the police report but this takes up to 1 month so she can’t prove anything until she has this document. If she had this she could stop visitation unless under supervision I believe.
Yesterday she received an email saying he will be picking up the boys this weekend as it is his right even though the boys don’t want to go.
Help please. Once I have the report through I can get a court order but not until then. Also, he is calling his son, aged 8, of lying even though the police said they have no doubts that the abuse happened

See how tomorrow goes first. If there is no satisfactory resolution at the mediation, I would not be sending him to stay over until hell froze over or i had absolute guarantees the other child was nowhere around and definitely would not be.

I wonder if the local safeguarding team could help her? There's one for each area.
I'm quite surprised that SS haven't become involved already.

Has your daughter posted about this before OP? It sounds familiar. Mediation is not the right solution here and she can prevent contact. It wouldn't have any legal implications. If the police report came back with nothing she might have to explain herself at a later date in court but I can't see it counting against her if a police investigation is underway.

Yes we did, we had a solicitor who we emailed and phoned over 6 weeks without response only to find she is sick and will be leaving the practice. We now hired a barrister and all documentation is going to her today but panic is setting in as the father has said he is getting the boys Saturday. Also in the same email, he is putting the blame on his eldest son and my daughter accusing her of lying and the child of making things up. Non of this is true, hand on heart, the youngest boy aged 8 is still distraught that his father doesn’t believe him!

I wouldn't go to mediation and I would stop all unsupervised contact. Let the ex raise a court action.

If this was in the family court system, cafcass would be involved (not saying they are great but possibly better than nothing). Mediation is not going to resolve this issue.

Make an application to court yourselves for £215. If your daughter is going to a MIAM tomorrow, she can get the forms signed by the mediator. If it's an actual session with her ex, she should cancel, though I can't see how a mediator wouldn't have advised her mediation wouldn't be appropriate when there is such an allegation.

I second all the advice above. Sorry I can’t offer you more OP x.

Does your daughter's exP have court ordered visitation rights or is this an arrangement that has been informally agreed between them?

Please make your daughter aware that she does not have to attend mediation and it's not recommended in cases where one party has been abusive to the other. If she's reluctant to assert herself she can phone the centre today with apologies for her non-attendance tomorrow due to sudden onset of d&v, or similar ailment, and re-arrange the date to allow for receipt of the anticipated police report.

If your dd wants to attend but doesn't want to be in the same room as her exP she can request 'shuttle mediation' - your dd will be in one room, the exP will be in another, and the mediator will go back and forth. This arrangement may also enable your dd to leave unobserved by her exP thus avoiding any opportunity for him to confront her.

Do not allow your dc to have contact until a judge orders it....
Or it will seem to ds you don't believe him either.
And to ss you aren't safe guarding him.

No court order in place just informal arrangements in her divorce papers saying every other weekend. Her solicitor said to attend the first mediation and they will confirm that mediation won’t work due to abusive, cohesive behavior towards her and the boys. We have witness statements confirming they have seen the verbal and anger abuse. Also have emails to the police and confirmation that she attended the station. They gave her advice and support but she was too afraid to press charges. Abusive emails and messages sent by him as well. Fingers crossed this will all help as her eldest son said he will run away as he is frightened of the father.
He controlled my daughter for 13 years and since the divorce, his control is now through the children 😢😢

No court order no contact. She must press charges or the ex will continue the control.

She must not go to mediation and must press charges.

There is nothing to mediate, his home is not safe.

Let him take her to court, he will not win. He wont get legal aid for court whereas he would for mediation.

He is a bully and the solicitors just want money.

Due to pressure of work, I posted in haste earlier and didn't have time to express my sorrow that your darling grandson has suffered such an horrendous ordeal and that your daughter, and by default yourself, are undergoing one of the most harrowing experiences that can befall a parent.

The utter shock of the first disclosure gives way to a gradual realisation that your life, and more particularly your life, can never be same again. Innocence has been lost; it cannot be recovered and innocence is what once protected you from exposure to the true depths of depravity that some males, and females, can sink to.

You may want to cut the offender's balls off with a rusty razor blade go to pieces but, while processing all of the myriad emotions that conflict you at a such time, you must hold it together for the child; comfort and reassure him and behave as if the police process is an everyday event so that he doesn't fragment or come to further harm through relating intimate details of the assault to strangers.

Your daughter, your little grandson, and yourself, have my very deepest sympathy and I sincerely hope the police come through for you all and that the CPS will ensure that justice is seen to be done in a timely manner.

My cat sends his abject apologies - well he would if he had any conscience - for leaping on my laptop causing my finger to hit 'post' prematurely.

To continue.... your daughter is within her rights to withhold contact and should do so citing a variation of the above 'due to the ongoing police investigation she is withholding contact until it has been completed'.

The vital question is what is the ex-P's financial status? Does he have a pot to piss in or his intention to seek 'shared living arrangements' in your fucking dreams asshat due to the fact that should he succeed over my dead body he won't be required to pay maintenance?

O good grief - my much maligned cat is blameless. The following should have been the first words you saw when reading my post at 20.08:

On NO account should your daughter attend mediation tomorrow. If she hasn't already given her apologies for non-attendance, she should call and state that due to ongoing police enquiries into a crime which took place while her dc were in the care of her ex-P she has been advised not to attend mediation until such time as the investigation is complete.

My apologies again - I don't know why I thought I'd posted, but it may have something to do with the unheralded appearance of a furry feline on the keyboard of my laptop.

Can I ask how old the boy who abused your grandson is? Is it likely he will be charged? If so the police would want to keep a witness away from a perpetrator.

Can you call social work child protection team? I'm sure they would not want a child to go back into a situation where they had been abused.

Gingerkittykat has made an excellent point and it may be advisable to consult the officer(s) dealing with your grandson's case with a view to having the police formally prohibit contact until such time as the investigation is concluded.

However, the exP may give assurance that the stepson will not be present when the dc are in his home, but I wouldn't trust him to keep his word.

How old is your eldest grandson, OP?

Do NOT go to mediation.
Go to court and ask for an emergency hearing for a prohibited steps order to prevent him removing child from her care or from school

Do this by filling out form c100 and ticking box on mediation part that it's an emergency
Write a short statement to go with it setting out what has happened and that he is threatening to take the children.

You must do this first thing tomorrow morning.

Sorry for not thanking everyone for their advice sooner.
My daughter attended mediation so as not to give her ex the green light as advised by her solicitor. This went well especially after she gave him the report from children’s services. He asked if she would be happy for him to have a mediation session with the children and she agreed as both the boys did as well as they wanted to tell the mediator all about their experiences at their fathers, not only the abuse but the rages, especially against the eldest son.
We presumed that the mediator also contacted the father as bot parents have to give permission.
Two day later, my daughter received an email, blaming her and the eldest son of lying, saying he has pulled out of mediation as this was a load of “film flam” and would be going direct to court this week.
I did google the meaning of this as it isn’t an everyday term I have come across !!

noun
a trick or deception, especially a swindle or confidence game involving skillful persuasion or clever manipulation of the victim.
a piece of nonsense; twaddle; bosh.
verb (used with object), flim·flammed, flim·flam·ming.
to trick, deceive, swindle, or cheat:
A fortuneteller flimflammed her out of her savings.

Thank god for emails as he carried on with rants saying she was unfit to be a mother etc. he was very irrational and changed his story with each email with the latest being “you are stupid and obviously your solicitors are as well”

My daughter emailed the mediator quoting her ex asking what happens next as she truly hoped that mediation would work.
Now waiting on the next step but really appreciated all of your support on this amazing forum ❤️

Aaahhhh he has revealed his true self on the record. Best outcome in terms of custody, not so good for the mental affect on the children.

Keep strong x