DHs Counselling and our marriage after children

[mytinyfiredancers]

I'd appreciate some honest opinions.

DH has recently started counselling, mainly because I asked him to. Since our children were born he's gone from being a mild mannered, chilled out man to someone who struggles a lot when things don't go as they 'should'. This shows in him becoming frustrated, angry, sulky, childish and generally not particularly pleasant at times.

He is a complete perfectionist, at home and at work and is very successful at work. We had a difficult first baby (traumatic birth, long recovery for me, child who screamed constantly, suffered with silent reflux etc etc). He could never get why the baby wasn't doing what -he thought- babies should be doing. Baby would be fed, warm, clean etc and she'd still cry. He couldn't wrap his head around it. His expectations were that we'd have a baby and life would tick along as normal just with a baby in tow. Well, obviously that didn't happen.

Baby got older and easier with time and we had a second. Second baby is 'easy' in comparison to first. Still though, now eldest is three and baby is one he struggles. Where there is no logic to their behaviour - because they are children - he just flounders. Eldest has recently been diagnosed with ASD which explains many of her difficulties. He has also struggled with this - I believe with the notion that he cannot fix her. He'd frequently accuse me of using our eldest to get out of doing things that I didn't want to which wasn't true. I'd sometimes say no to things, like big loud parties, because I knew she'd be distressed (I didn't know she had ASD but she's always struggled in certain situations and I would always try to ensure that I wasn't putting her in situations that would really distress her for days afterwards). But that would annoy him because he wanted to do those things, and I'd said DD wasn't able to.

Anyway, this has all culminated to lots of friction between us. I briefly suffered from post natal anxiety after my first birth and he wasn't great about it. Was very impatient, couldn't see what my problem was when I found things difficult, and as above said I was using eldest to avoid things. Saw what other mums were doing and wanted to know why I couldn't just get on with it and so the same. I'm a sahm (through choice, which he has always been fully on board with). I had counselling myself and recovered.

He hates now not to have things his way and tries to micromanage me which I do not tolerate. I have watched his parents and can see that his Dad is similar, in a more gentle way. If his mother is doing something his Dad disagrees with he'll drone on and on and on at her until she just gives up or changes for an easy life.

After an outburst (I should add that he's never violent nor am I concerned that he would be) a few months back I put my foot down and told him we were done unless he did something about this mad quest for perfection, that his expectations of me and the children were ridiculous at times. He sought help and went to a counsellor.

He's had six sessions. After each one, I've asked how it went - trying to be supportive - but said if he doesn't want to discuss it with me then that's fine.

Most of the time he'll come home and report back that he's explained a scenario where we've disagreed or he's got cross and that his counsellor agrees with him that I've been unreasonable for whatever reason. He accused me of being manipulative the other day and said that his counsellor says I frequently manipulate him, and use the children to guilt him (I don't!).

Firstly I don't think any decent counsellor would say those things and secondly I'm a bit upset that he has this opportunity to work on his own issues and behaviour and instead he seems to be using these sessions to moan about me, and seemingly gain acceptance that I am just a horrible moany old cow who is thoroughly unreasonable.

I'm happy to have joint counselling if it will help, but am starting to think what's the point? He cannot accept that he is anything less that perfect can he?

Where do I go from here?!?

Have you considered that your husband might have ASD also?

My Dad was exactly the same, incredibly frustrated with me as a child that I didn’t behave all the time exactly as expected, completely illogical to him. It made him bad tempered and angry whilst I was growing up.

Now I am an adult, we are much more on the same page as obviously I have matured and do not have a child’s view on the world so I “make sense” to him.

I was diagnosed with ASD at 24 after exploring my own difficulties in life and now looking at my Dad, I can see where the traits come from. He has many more traits than I have gone into here and although doesn’t have a formal diagnosis, I see more and more traits each time I see them.

He is now later in life and would never want or accept a diagnosis but I find it much easier to get on with him by making similar accomodations that I would like to receive myself; I always tell him of changes to plans asap, I tell him what we’re going to eat and when etc, I facilitate travel plans. I find him to be much much more even tempered if he feels something is well planned and goes to plan.

I hadn't actually. I'd considered that maybe I have it, because when we got the full report some of the things on there rang true for me. But then I have never struggled in the way DD does, I always made friends easily etc. I'm quite introverted and happy in my own company but manage socially in a 'normal' way so I discounted it.

Christ he'd never even consider that. Bad enough that DD isn't 'perfect' let alone him maybe being the same.

That's not to say he doesn't love and adore her (or our other child). He does. But he finds them both so difficult when in reality they are just children, behaving in the ways that children so. They're not robots. Ok eldest is more challenging that your usual but she's not majorly affected. It affects her socially day to day and she finds some situations more difficult than others and we're learning to manage it. But compared to some of the stories I've read on here from parents of autistic children she's really not anywhere near as difficult as she could be.

But compared to some of the stories I've read on here from parents of autistic children she's really not anywhere near as difficult as she could be.

Autism is a spectrum, it's not a black and white you are autistic (and behave in one certain way) or you're not. And normally I'm against internet diagnoses, but your DH does sound like he's somewhere on the spectrum too. His perfectionism, his fixed ideas about what things will be like and his inability to cope when they're not are definitely signs of autism. It may help you to read up on autism in adults to see what's going on in his head.

However if the counsellor he's seeing is really saying those things about you he needs a different one. That would be totally unprofessional. But it may also be that he's hearing what he wants to hear. For example, if the counsellor says that s/he understands that he's finding something difficult, he may be, deliberately or subconsciously, interpreting that as him/her saying that you're in the wrong. And because you're not in the therapy room yourself you have no idea what's going on. It may be worth considering couples counselling rather than him alone. the therapist won't apportion blame either way, but will try to help improve the communication in the relationship. However if he is on the spectrum, counselling with the idea of 'fixing' him won't work. You and he would need specific techniques to cope with how he sees the world.

Hi Op, The counsellor saying things like you are manipulating doesn't sound right to me. The counsellor only knows the story from his POV and they are not trained to bring judgement. Is the counsellor registered with any prof organisations? BACP?

Maybe couples counselling would work better so both of your points of view can be heard and worked through.

I agree with Wonkybanana - I doubt the counsellor is saying these things, it is more likely to be how your DH is interpreting a statement such as "I can see how that would be difficult for you".

The problem is that your DH is going into counselling with completely the wrong attitude. It's meant to be to improve your relationship and it's having the opposite effect! Have you said that to him?

I agree that your DH may be on the spectrum himself. His lack of understanding of irrational behaviour definitely sounds characteristic of some people with autism.

Joint counselling may help. But he's unlikely to be able to fundamentally change this aspect of him.

The counsellor is registered and appropriately qualified. He was sent to her because he has a confidential employee scheme at work that you can self refer to so they are all properly qualified people. We also checked her out online before he went.

I'm happy to try couples counselling but am just wary of going and it making things worse like the individual one seems to be doing. I agree that it could be his interpretation, after all don't we all like to hear what we want to hear?

I hear what you're all saying about him being on the spectrum but I also know the man he was pre-children. He wasn't like this. He has never 'failed' at anything in his life before (not that I think he's failing at parenting in the slightest). He's always worked hard and got the result he wanted - at school, at university, at work. He doesn't 'do' failure. So to not be able to 'fix' things when they go wrong -in his eyes- is a stumbling block that he seems to not be able to overcome.

That's true for lots of us though OP. But most people have come to terms with it after a few years of parenting!

Definitely couples counselling