How do you use your evenings positively (if no DC's)?

[MumOneDay]

Posting here as don't want to post on the MH board as don't feel like it's that serious an issue but more of a general nose about how others use their spare time... if they have any. I'm feeling a bit crap at the moment, probably slightly depressed I think. Context is have been TTC for a while and time is nearly running out for us age-wise, plus DH works extremely long hours and evenings (which can't be helped at the moment) so I find myself alone a lot of the time in the evenings. To compound matters I usually work from home during the day. Am generally good by myself and am not into group activities, but recently it has felt like I've got into a rut, and feeling low, particularly in the evenings when the working day is over.

I exercise in the mornings before work and I socialise with friends once a week or so, but unfortunately right now I seem to have many evenings where I make grand plans to do something constructive (read, mend something, DIY, chores, exercise class) but then I end up sitting on the sofa watching TV. There has been wine involved too, one glass, then two, but I am aware of this potential spiral (and impact on fertility) and have managed to have a week without any alcohol, however I think the whole sofa and TV watching is too compatible with drinking / eating and generally being unhealthy so I would like to break this routine before it becomes fixed. It is also contributing to my general state of mind and slight depression. I feel a bit in limbo as we don't know if we will conceive so I am sort of waiting and not knowing how best to live my life in the meantime. I am really not an evening class person and don't feel like I want to "get out there" and do any social / clubs etc, unless I know for certain I am going to feel at ease, e.g. among friends.

If you don't have young children / are child-free / children grown up, how do you use your evenings and has anyone ever found themselves in a TV and sofa rut? What if you are not super sociable or extrovert but still want to feel better?

Bumping

I am also childfree with a DP that works long hours.

I exercise before work in the morning, and get home from work around 5pm. I try and do something mildly physical as I have a desk job, so might go for a little walk or do some stretching. Then I watch a programme, and go to bed early (830ish) with a book as I get up at 5am.

I am usually asleep by 9-930.

Sometimes I think I should do something worthy or join a class or something, but after a day at work I am quite happy just to chill in silence and relax.

I tend to do sports and see friends at the weekends.

I can see why you might feel more rut-like as you work from home so are not getting a change of scene. Can you do a pretend commute where you walk for half an hour at the end of the working day to get you out of the house?

That's a good idea, thank you @thatmustbenigelwiththebrie yes I could try that. I don't think I could go to bed that early though - I am a night owl and not a lark! So there are always more hours to fill in the evenings.

You could look at doing some volunteering one evening a week.

Scouting, girlguiding, youth groups
Charity shops (if any in your area open late)
Residents association (if you have any in your area)

or you could look at local classes of an interest of yours? Pottery, kick boxing etc

I'm child free but not pet free

I have three dogs and four chickens. I exercise a horse every Saturday morning, do Gundog training once a fortnight with my youngest (and lots of practise in between), and she is also a therapy dog. At the minute we visit someone receiving palliative care on a weekly basis for a couple of hours at a time. I also take in emergency fosters from time to time so that owners who are carers can have some respite, I have just given a 12YO lab back to his Mum after she had a week's break.

I also like sewing and baking but when I get in from work I do like to plonk myself on the sofa and watch Netflix. Or take a long hot bath. I'm much better at being able to veg on the sofa these days than I used to.

I am quite happy in my own company, weekends at home with the animals are my favourite. I'm not a big fan of going here there and everywhere to meet with friends. I'm not a loner by any means, but the dogs are my best friends really.

DH and I are child free. We have two dogs that we walk together when I get home, DH works from home a lot so its good for him to get out. As you also work from home would getting a dog be possible? Only if you like them of course! Dogs take up a lot of our time in a good way, we find looking after them very rewarding.

I'm in a very similar situation - TTC, age, and working from home!

I'm currently learning Italian and learning to draw. I like doing in-person classes but often my laziness introversion gets in the way so I have a language app and an online drawing class to follow :)

I find the hardest part is turning off the TV and getting my paper and pen out. Telly is bloody addictive! TV vs hobby feels like burger vs steak, the latter is more satisfying but the former is so easy to just shovel in.

That said, there's nothing inherently wrong with relaxing with the tv on the evening, as long as you aren't putting off doing something you'd actually prefer. I think it's a case of figuring out what you want to do and making the effort to do it.

I volunteer.
Means I am out the house, have a purpose and am committed to being out the house.
I also am in a choir, so that is another evening where I'm doing something I enjoy and am not sitting in front of TV.
Similarly to you, when I sit to watch TV, that's when I give in to my temptation (which is eating chocolate rather than alcohol, but same principle), so I try not to do that more than a couple of times a week.

It is possibly easier if you have commitments and a routine, so volunteering, a class, local council, making something, learning something, a blog, growing plants, cooking, pets.

I have horses so during the week pretty much just ride, look after horses, work, cook, eat, sleep, clean and travel. I get a bit of phone surfing in while travelling and about 30 minutes on front of tv or reading.

My husband gets an evening and he mostly does diy, uses his phone or crashes out in front of the tv. Occasionally he catches up with friends. He has a very physical job though, otherwise it would probably be exercise.

Is your work a set 9-5? I work from home and I will sometimes do something in the afternoon then work for a while in the evening. It breaks the day up and I find I have more energy to do stuff while it’s still daytime, more so as winter starts to set in. I find spending 8 hours in a row staring at a screen puts me in a state of mind where I then can’t be bothered to do anything else so I like to break it up. Or some days I might do 9 or 10 hours then less hours the next day.

Like a pp I’m currently using an app to learn Russian, I also like to read, do various craft things. I do watch TV most nights as “unwinding” time but usually only 2 or 3 episodes of whatever I’m watching on Netflix at the time. That’s usually before bed.

I draw, read, paint and watch movies. Sometimes I bake or try out complicated recipes. I go to the cinema.

I would look into classes, check your local adult learning centers or privately run ones.

You could think of Open University courses, even if you don't need a qualification, do them for fun.

Thanks these are all really helpful! And great to hear from the pp in my exact position @ALittleBitAlexis !

I am thinking about some of these ideas. One 'group' thing I might be okay with is a choir @BackforGood - because I used to sing and it's a focused task where you on't feel the need to make awkward chat if you don't want to, but it's nice to sing together and do concerts etc. I might check out local choirs or start a thread to see if there are any around me.

Pets - I would LOVE to walk a dog but sadly we are in a flat and I don't think it could work

I practice piano every evening and go to a piano lesson once a week.

No DCs but two cats who treat DH and I like slaves. We talk quite a bit, watch TV and while DH plays xbox I read or do my puzzles. We both like to take it easy after work as mine is brain intensive and his is labour intensive. We try and do a chore or two each night even if it's just a load of laundry or a quick wipe of surfaces.

Could you borrow a dog to walk?

Maybe look for interesting lectures?

I've also been trying to dress better (been looking awful) and go on better holidays, and that takes a surprising amount of research and planning.

And planning more entertaining, whether it's inviting friends over for poached eggs and newspapers on a Sunday or a proper party. That includes planning further out, eg a Christmas drinks party?

Or just watch better telly on Netflix or amazon--not just NCIS because it's on.

I'm getting a pair of cats, but I realise that's a bit extreme...

I don't think being in a flat would necessarily rule you out of dog walking or fostering. If you're near a guide dogs centre they often need homes for the puppies whilst they are training, so you drop them off to 'Work' in the morning and pick them up at night. Cinnamon Trust may need volunteers in your area, and our local blue cross you can volunteer as a pet buddy where you just go in and hang out with the animals to help them with socialization. Having a dog has been excellent for my MH - whilst we didn't TTC I spent a horrible few years going through the will I / won't i have children in my early 40s and it was a horribly unsettling time, you feel like you don't really fit anywhere and like perhaps it's not worth committing to XYZ in case you do / don't have children and then life changes.

DH works away a lot and in addition to hanging out with the dog I watch a lot of box sets, read a lot, go to the gym, bake, plan recipes for when DH comes home and do jigsaws. I find it helps to try and structure my tv watching rather than just slobbing out mindlessly so that e.g. at 8.00 I'm going to sit down and watch 2 episodes of X, until then I need to do something else, after that I'm going to read in bed.

I found this article really helpful after yet another weekend where I'd pointlessly watched tv and podged at my phone for hours. I'm much better at identifying when I'm in the 'dark playground' and shaking myself out of it.

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

Great thread!

I love the idea of guide dogs Floopily

Can I ask what online drawing course you're doing @12ALittleBitAlexis ?

We were married for 6 years before DC. In the evenings I used to read a lot, have long baths, and taught myself to bake. Also watching movies and doing an adult colouring book from time to time. I was doing a masters then PhD during that time, so a lot of my evening’s activities were procrastinating and avoiding doing work! Good luck with your ttc OP. I was 39.5 when I had my first DC, so don’t be too down about your age.

@GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat drawabox.com

It's a very structured way to learn to draw, but I'm finding it effective! If you support the person who runs the course through Patreon they will mark your 'homework', but otherwise there's an active subreddit to get feedback or you can just do it all yourself.

If you don't fancy that, the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain is supposed to be great too :)

Thank you!

I make a point of shutting down the laptop and turning off any TV at 7pm.

I usually do an hour of tending plants on the balcony, stretching, sitting out and just drinking some herbal tea, listening to a podcast or some music. Sometimes I'll make a jam or a soup or some pickles or something. It's just reflective time really.

After that, I usually tidy up and a few final tasks to get the apartment in order for the morning, do my bedtime routine (skincare etc) and get into bed around 9. I read from 9pm, usually until about 10pm.

Book club? I know it's with people, but the right group will feel very welcoming and I think you need some more human interaction.

I enjoy going to the cinema during the week, tends to be quieter and I go happily on my own or with friends.

How about following a YouTube yoga session for 30 mins or so? I find that quite purposeful. There are a few on YouTube and I like Adrienne's.

As previous pps have mentioned, baking, playing the piano, reading.