DSS Always craving attention............

[Whycantistaymotivated]

Will try to keep this short

We have 3 DC between us, OH has 2 DS(9&7) from a previous relationship and we have a DD(2). We have the boys every weekend from school pick up on Fridays to school drop off on Mondays, plus any school hoildays if we have annual leave left.

OH Ex also has 2 DD with her current partner(relavent)

So altogether DS7 is one of 5.

He always seem to want attention, he will tell us things about DS9 such as things he has had praise for at school or thingas he has won before DS9 has had chance to tell us. Same with DD she will do something new and when she comes to tell us he will follow ans tell us before she has chance to. So he's not only craving the attention but taking it away from the other two. He will also tell us any random bit of information if we are giving attention to the others. He will follow DS9 everwhere so we've had to start letting him (DS9) have some alone time as he never gets a break from his younger brother. they share a room in both houses.

At his mum's house she has told us and DS9 has also mentioned he will wind his Dsis up (3&1) take their toys etc and will also hit and kick DS9 who has been told not to hit back. He somehow broke his mum's ironing board recently and when asked about it he throw it at DM. There have been issues in the house( she would hit the boys with canes etc) and SS have been involved so this has stopped.

Also at school the teachers have told us he's not listening, they've had to sit him by himself as he distracts others, he's not completing his work even homework. I'm sure he's making mistakes on person so that when he's helped he's getting attention.

OH takes the boys to football training and they each play a match at the weekend as well. It's something my OH does so he has some time with just him and the boys.

Sorry that wasn't short was it, Anyway any ideas to get him to stop?? we try and give all 3 the same amount of attention but his is mostly negative which we want to change

Does he ever get individual attention where his dad takes him out alone or to a hobby that only he does? It seems like he is just one of 'the boys' and has to share everything with his brother (his room, his football practice) so this attention seeking might be his way of trying to get individual attention.

The issues with SS involvement and being hit with canes (wtf?) Is really troubling and abusive. What is happening with that now? It's hard to believe his DM hit the children with canes and then suddenly became a wonderful mother; there is probably still emotionally damaging behaviour going on in their other home and your DSSs behaviour will be linked to that.

He plays darts with my OH, they have a mini "world series" going on, play every week. He's actually really good at it. The boys will play together (the board is in their room) but most of the time it's OH and DS7. DS9 tends to play computer games with OH more than DS7. They all share a love of football so watch and play all together.

SS visited for a while, she denied hitting them even though both OH and I plus the teachers saw the bruises. She was told to go to a parenting course but as far as I know she hasn't been. She now calls my OH if the boys don't listen to her.

Now their mum doesn't hit anymore DS7 has developed a cocky side which he gets from her, she says he does it to push her which as horrible as it is to say I can actually believe. I've seen that side of him when he's trying to get DS9 into trouble/sent to his room.

He went from the youngest to big brother of 3 sisters so we try and cut him some slack as it's a lot for him to take.

Ime dc have different needs for different things and we need to respond to them as individuals rather than as group members. I have a dd with a very high need for attention and I sympathize because it’s draining. But while I try not to treat my other child unfairly, I know that he doesn’t need an equal amount of exactly the same thing.

I give her lots of strong eye contact when I’m speaking with her, smiles and eye contact when she’s across a room, and might have my hand touching her back or head when I’m talking to someone else. But we might play a clapping game, sitting face to face touching and making eye contact while ds is beside me on the floor building lego. He doesn’t need the same level of intense attention from me, but will want me to admire his build and maybe play for a few minutes when it’s done. In fact if I tried to engage with him as intently he’d walk away.

One on one time is essential even if it’s only once or twice a week. I stagger bedtimes to fit in 15 minutes chat or reading with mine.

I think dc will get the attention they crave from you one way or the other and it’s more effective all round to give it positively and willingly than to fall into a misbehavior/ giving out cycle.

I spin solitary activities as a bit of a treat/big deal for dd- getting to paint is a responsibility and she has to put the paints away and clear up/ screen time on the switch is limited/ they can play educational quiz games on the computer if they get their homework done/ she can only take out certain toys if the playroom is clean. It helps make solitary time more desirable and gives me a breather

Given the problems in your dss’ home life I think you might need to approach this more like a special need of a traumatized child, rather than a character flaw to correct. I know that’s not what you’re saying - I’m just giving two slightly extreme approaches to make a point.

Sorry that was longer than intended but hope there’s something in that that’s helpful.

Honestly, I think the boys need to not be near an abuser.

I've known a few children who have had terrible abuse and they're seeking approval and attention - very disruptive and essentially they're damaged and require help both professionally and behind closed doors - literally all of them

Don't let those kids be abused again

I think it's easier said than done to say 'don't let them near the abuser again'. Of course, in an ideal world op would be able to just have the stepkids move in, but I imagine the real life situation is more complicated. Unfortunately, given that ss haven't taken any further action, it may be difficult to secure full custody.

Have the school given any advice on how to deal with getting him to do his homework? Throwing an ironing board at his mum is a bit ott and I would worry about anger management issues. Have you thought about maybe getting him some counselling or therapy?

We do sit with him and help with homework, encouraging him to think about his answers/show his working out but half the time we think he's getting it wrong as that way it keeps us sitting with him helping. OH thinks he's being lazy half the time as well, he's a clever child but will do the bare minimum required.

We haven't thought about getting him outside help tbh, it's built up over the last year and it's now at the stage where he may need help. I will discuss with OH