Grieving vs wallowing vs denial

[Wineismysaviour1]

Two months ago I found out that after several years of trying to get pregnant, and multiple rounds of fertility treatment, I’m never going to have kids. Although I have a good life in many ways, having kids is the only thing I’ve known for certain I ever wanted. And yet I didn’t really feel anything when I got that final call from the clinic to say it hadn't worked, except resignation. I’m 40 now, I know the stats and I guess I had been preparing myself for this and just got on with things, worked hard and perhaps drank a bit more wine than usual. To the extent that a couple of my friends questioned whether I was allowing myself to grieve properly.

Then this weekend I had a free weekend so I decided to go for a hike on my own. I started thinking about the life I wanted and am never going to have. Normally I’d switch my thoughts to something else, or listen to some music or a podcast, but instead I let myself think about it. I started crying and haven’t stopped since. Proper ugly hyperventilating crying. I’ve cried so much, my face is raw and the tears hurt my cheeks. Sometimes crying makes me feel better but this time I feel worse. I feel totally miserable, alone, angry, needy, vulnerable, resentful of my friends who have kids, resentful of them for not reaching out (how would they know? They think I’m ok). I know that objectively I’m being totally irrational and crazy. And on top of that I feel guilty for wallowing, guilty for feeling like this, because it’s not like anyone has died. But at the same time so deep in shitty feelings that I can't imagine this will ever end.

Is this what ‘grieving properly’ means? Where is the line between grieving and wallowing and full-on repression of feelings? Where do I go from here? Is repressing your feelings really such a bad thing? Because from where I’m standing right now, it looks like a pretty good option...

it's a horrible realisation to come to (I havent tried fertility treatment, but have been told I wont be able to have kids) and I think having the hope taken away can be the hardest bit. But it will get better. That's not to say it wont always be painful.

Have you been offered counselling or therapy?

Thanks Shaken, it's hard isn't it? I guess in spite of managing expectations I never really believed I'd end up here.

I haven't been offered counselling by my clinic - I guess I'd have to go to my GP for that. Perhaps it would be beneficial. My friends are great but I don't want to burden them.

Yeah, it's the feeling of "well that wont be me" that keeps us going then we realise that is us.

Your ACU or fertility specialist or whoever's you've been seeing can refer you for counselling, they often have their own specialists who will be best placed to help you. Alternatively if you work you might be able to access some counselling that way.

it's hard, but it will get easier.

I haven't experienced infertility but yes this is what grieving is like. Let the tears and everything come out. I suppressed grief of my own nearly 18 years when my dad died, then last year some else's dad died that brought back all my unhealthy with emotions and it was like you say uncontrollable ugly crying that completely floored me for a while. I dont think it is a good idea to repress your emotions as it will only harm you in the end. I also don't think it is wallowing, certainly not at this stage when you have just realised the inevitable. Take the time you need and if necessary speak to someone else a close friend or gp

One weekend doesn't sound like wallowing to me, it sounds like dealing with an awful lot of very difficult feelings.
Is there someone RL you can talk to, who will listen while you process it all?

Thanks all, it’s odd, I find it hard to ask for help, even from my close friends. I’m so used to telling people I’m ok, and to minimising my experiences, that it’s hard to break that habit - I’ve done it all my life.
Perhaps counselling would be a good idea though x

Yes that's your physical response to grief and a step closer to healing... it is necessary for you and ultimately will help.

Maybe hiking would be a good thing for you to continue for a while...it can be quite meditative. As long as it doesn't get you too upset.... would you hike with friends or a group?

Let yourself cry, I think it's good to get it out. Sending you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on.

I’m so sorry this is happening, it sounds very hard for you at the moment. You can get ‘stuck’ in grief but you’re a long way from that. You can repress your feelings, but you will experience them in some way, physically even in some cases. Talking’s not for everyone but maybe give it a go, find someone via the BACP website.

It might be useful to know that grief can be experienced as a process - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

How’s your DP doing with this?