Post divorce friendships

[Pogmella]

Ugh. I think I’m losing one of my oldest friends.

Exh had an affair which I discovered 4 years ago, divorce eventually through 2years ago. He lives with his girlf who was the OW and we all co parent DC, however there’s a lot of hostility and it’s quite volatile around things like birthdays/Xmas etc.

My friend has started meeting him and his girlf for dinner. After the first time I told her how incredibly hurtful I found this. I was semi-ok with her meeting him but something about her meeting both of them was very unsettling. I was also worried she’d disclose information about a possible relocation that I’d shared with her, not knowing she was friendly with him again.

We argued about it and it didn’t really get resolved. I’m due a big birthday next year and was just this afternoon considering who to invite... as things currently stand I wouldn’t really want her there as it would feel tense, however things like this (not inviting her) will really put the nail in the coffin of our dieing relationship...

I’ve just got to face the loss, right? Try as I might I can’t be cool with her befriending that lady and she apparently won’t let up on that course... does anyone know how this stuff pans out typically?

Well I'm sure people will tell you that she can be friends with whoever she likes, and while that's perfectly true, I don't think she's behaved like a good friend to you.

My closest friends DH also had an affair and is now with the OW. It's complicated as he is DHs best friend. But I just cannot go out for meals and round each others houses like we used to - I can't just replace my friend with this woman and I'm not prepared to. They broke up a family between them and although DH sees him on his own, I've no intention of pretending I'm ok with it.

You probably need to meet your friend and have a calm chat about how you both feel. Then you may have an idea if you really want the friendship to continue. Loyalty and trust are very important to me in friendships.

Thanks @BenWillbondsPants. Meeting is tricky as she lives far away which has somewhat exacerbated things. The friendship hasn’t brought me much joy for at least a year now so I’m wondering whether it’s better just to let it slide a bit or to email/call and draw more of a line.

I too would feel hurt particularly if the person was originally my friend as oppose to my exdh's friend. Your friend's loyalty clearly lays with your exdh when it should be with you. You would expect they would bump into one another at mutual friend's events; weddings, birthdays etc but arranging to meet should not be on the cards.

In your position I would not invite friend to my party or keep in contact with her. You need to let her go.

Goldenevil I agree that the ow can be easily slotted in. Something I have realised is not everyone values friendships and are happy enough being in any group of four for dinner/drinks and other socials. Many 'friendships' are for convenience and generally surface level. All it takes is for one couple to move away, no longer able to afford socials and the contact fizzles out.

@Faith50 she feels having known us so long she’s both our friend equally which I do see. ExH didn’t speak to anyone at all for years and years and in the past year she’s reached out to meet up with him.

It’s a pretty nightmarish situation in many ways (obv day to day its mundane!) but it is frustrating it feels the only people not being stung by it are ex and girlf who are the architects of the whole thing.

I think just leaving it and declining invites is probably best. There’s a date pencilled on for December that I was going to struggle to sort childcare for anyway.

Your exdh met your friend via you. She may well have got to know him during your married years but you were the link. I am unsure why she feels she must meet with him. Surely they were not that close. I am not suggesting she ignore him if they were to bump into each other but there is no need for them to make arrangements. I cannot understand why your friend is unable to grasp this.