What would you do about this friendship?

[BasinHaircut]

DH and I are friends with a couple, the husband and DH v old friends, I get on really well with the wife. We are all part of a wider friendship group of several couples.

They live a 20 min walk/5 min drive away in the same town.

Every time we make plans with them, they flake out. If they set a plan and invite us somewhere/round for dinner etc, then it’s more likely to take place, however if we try to make a plan with them I’d say at least 90% of the time they have an (extremely poor and not very believable) excuse for having to cancel.

Last night, we had another couple round for a takeaway and they were going to join us. They cancelled because the wife wasn’t feeling well, about 2 hours before they were due. However, I know it’s bullshit because they had been out all day and at the time they told us she was out having beauty treatments done.

If they had said ‘sorry but exhausted, hope you don’t mind but going to leave it’ then fine, but it’s the bullshit and lies that sting. Well enough to honour all other plans/commitments for that day apart from with us! Don’t think so. It’s this type of thing every time.

About a year ago DH and I decided not to make plans with them anymore, and only see them if they invited us, or in group gatherings etc. We do enjoy their company and so wanted to stay friends but im starting to think that they clearly don’t value our friendship at all so really can’t be bothered with them as it all feels a bit fake.

I don’t consider myself a high maintenance friend, don’t need constant contact and whistles and bells, but am I being over sensitive here or are they really shit mates?

I must add that if we really needed them or their help they are there for us. They babysit for us occasionally and help out on big things such as when we did MIL’s 60th the wife helped me do all the food. The husband will help DH with heavy DIY stuff, airport runs etc.

Just really bloody flaky!

They sound like backbone friends, the sort that you dont have to see all the time but are the first people to be by your side for life's important things. It's a shame they're flaky but not worth losing the friendship over.

My best 'backbone' friend and I dont speak to eachother from one month to the next, sometimes for many months at a time but if one of us really needs a real friend or support for something we're the first people each of us goes to. I have many other friends I see on a semi weekly basis but I wouldn't class as as close as my 'best' friend (ok I sound 5 years old now).

I'd slow down on the organised things with them and give it time. They'll probably realise they dont see you any more and make more of an effort.

Its sounds like even though they cancel plans a lot they are the kind of friends who would be there at times you really needed them? If so I'd cut them a bit of slack and perhaps only take them up on their invites and just enjoy the few times you do all manage to get together.
I do always wonder about situations like this whether perhaps people don't always have the money to go out a lot socially (hence why more likely to stick to plans if it's an evening in etc) but are too proud to say anything.
If you can rely on them to be there for the important stuff then I'd try not to get too worked about the general flakiness.

Could be social anxiety. They're OK on home turf but nervous meeting strangers or less familiar couples in public. If she was having beauty treatments it sounds as though she was getting ready to go to yours and then bottled it.
Or could be they are homebodies and after a day pottering around just can't be arsed to make an effort for friends because they'd rather watch TV. We all feel like that sometimes, maybe they feel that all the time.

Do they try and do too much and over commit coupled with the fact that they don't see cancelling last minute as particularly rude?

I would just carry on inviting them with others so when the cancel it doesn't spoil the event for you.

I was also wondering about social anxiety. It can strike the very confident.

FatandFurious- very apt description. I will steal that term
'backbone friends'.

I'd definitely cut them some slack, OP.

Thanks all.

Definitely no social anxiety or money worries.

Yes backbone friends is a good term and probably a fair description of them.

We do generally stick to only inviting them in groups so it doesn’t matter if they cancel, and wait for them to make plans with us rather than vice versa and that is fine.

I do have a bit of an issue with flakiness and lateness in general, so it’s probably mostly that, that gets my goat!

Backbone friends are hard to find.

So, relax. Accept their flaking. Know they will be there when you need them.

Isn’t it strange that I’m over here questioning whether these are decent friends worth having, and others are saying ‘these are the friends you want to keep’.

And you know what? I think you are all right.

YANBU that their flakiness and lateness gets your goat though