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Original poster

I feel awful. Dd has a horrible new friend.

42 replies

Darksideofthemoon19 · 20/09/2019 21:14

Dd has started secondary and has made a few new friends. One of them came round today and we met her officially.
She’s so mean.

She called my daughter ugly, my youngest ugly, pointed out my double chin, said my Dd used to be ugly, and went on and on about sex. She’s 11. She picked up my youngest Dd balloon sword and said it reminds her of a boys bits..

I don’t know what to do. My Dd really likes her but has zero confidence as it is.

She also called Dd fat and said she has a fat tummy now after eating their dinner.

They are in the same class so I’m not sure what to do?!

Help!

OP posts:

bookwormsforever · 20/09/2019 22:14

@Phaf, would the school do anything?

vanillaicedtea · 20/09/2019 22:15

Definitely encourage your DD to remain at arm's length with this girl and nothing more. Continue talking to her about the positives of being friends with kind girls, and explain to her that this child's behaviour isn't acceptable and her words will hurt people, and your daughter shouldn't want to be associated with her. Also remind her that if this girl ever says anything nasty about her, to let you know. Just make sure your daughter is reminded of all the good parenting you've done so far, and she knows you'll be there to support and guide her.

Because this girl is so young, I'd be inclined to also consider letting the school know. It sounds like something is going on at home that they may need to look into. I'd make it clear to the school, however, that you don't want anything being brought back to your child and it needs to be handled as an anonymous concern.

But yes, definitely encourage your DD to not become close friends with this girl. I hate to assume, but I feel like it's very likely that her nastiness will increase due to jealousy of what your daughter has, and she perhaps doesn't. That aside, it isn't your problem to fix and only the school can help fix that. Your concern is solely for your child and making sure that this isn't the beginning on a long standing faux friendship where DD is lovely to her, kind and generous, and this girl takes advantage and ultimately ends up bullying and belittling her to make herself feel better.

I'd love to sit here and say you should give the other girl a chance, and of course, she may grow out of it and grow up to be a lovely, well adjusted teenager, but from personal experience, nasty girls tend to only get nastier. It's easier to just avoid them from the offset.

PrettyPurse · 20/09/2019 22:16

@DoctorAllcome - if so, then even more reason to let the parents and school know so she can get some social skills input

Daphnesmate · 20/09/2019 22:22

Secondary school teacher here. Call the school Monday and inform them all of this. Ask for her to be away from this girl in classes etc. Encourage your daughter to stay clear of her and make other friends, explain the importance of this why it's better for her self esteem to avoid people like this.
This
I'm a parent not a teacher but my dd formed an unhealthy friendship like this where the other child was constantly undermining my dd's confidence. Believe me it is better to have no friends than a friend like this. I contacted the school and discussed because this child was also distracting my dd in class and encouraging her not to revise for tests etc. It took my dd a while but eventually she broke away from this child and now has a lovely group of friends.

vanillaicedtea · 20/09/2019 22:25

Also, to those saying she may have just been nervous or have diagnosed/undiagnosed SEN, that's fine, but why should OP's child have to accept being called ugly and fat (and god know's what else in the future) because of that? The child very well may not understand the extent of what she's saying, but those comments can really affect a young girl.

Your own child should be your priority, and there's not a chance in hell I'd be inviting that girl around until she can communicate without insulting and hurting my child. One too many 'fat' or 'ugly' comments can easily spark off an eating disorder or body dysmorphia. It can lead to years, or a lifetime, of feeling inadequate at the least, or end up being a factor toward's a child developing depression or anxiety. How many times now do we read about young children attempting to, or committing suicide over comments like these?

Not my responsibility. The school, however, can help ensure the child has extra support in school/at home, and can work through these struggles with them. It's not OPs responsibility to let her child essentially be a doormat so another child has a friend.

messolini9 · 20/09/2019 22:27

I’m not sure what to think or do! Her mum has invited my Dd to sleep next week and now I’m really worried!

FFS, you say no thanks.
And explain to your daughter why this unfortunate child is not going to be encouraged to be around her.

nancy75 · 20/09/2019 22:29

Completely disagree with anyone saying talk to the mother, don’t. The mum will take her daughter’s side, the child will go into school & tell everyone that your Dd tells tales & your daughter will be the one left out. The kid will spin it to make your daughter the one in the wrong.
Teach your Dd that she has to stand up for herself & help her do it.

SparklyMagpie · 20/09/2019 22:30

Yeah I can't believe an 11 year old did this either 🙄

BWOB · 20/09/2019 23:09

You need to support your DD in building her self esteem that she realises that people like this are not friends.

If you feel you cannot do this yourself (no judgement - I have severe self-esteem issues so difficult to teach what you struggle with yourself) then get her some books,

American Girl "best friend guid to friendships" Not quite that - but along those lines - is good. Basically - if they are shit and bitchy, ditch them, you are worth more than that.

All the MN stuff - her "friend" has told her who she is - listen. Dump. Your DD is worth more than that.

BTW my DD is yr 9. She would not listen until at least beginning of year 8 - so you may be in for a long year. Be consistent (but non-judgemental) and supportive if she sticks with this friendship for now. It will fall apart. Just buld up her self esteem between now and then so her hurt is less.

DishingOutDone · 20/09/2019 23:36

here's a good chance she was just was just v nervous and just has a long way to go with social and personal skills. don't write her off just yet

Write her off now. Show your daughter how to protect herself from people like this.

MadCattery · 21/09/2019 00:15

Young children who talk a lot about sex often have had something happen to them, or have been exposed to things they shouldn't. I would not send my child to that home to actually get undressed and sleep! Even if there aren't any adults there that would pose a danger, a little girl who speaks about boys bits might be a risk to your daughter, too. Certainly she was rude, but there should be alarms going off about potential dangers, too. Encourage other friendships, and when invited to visit, make sure your daughter is always to
o busy.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2019 00:29

At least it's a perfect opportunity to teach your daughter about fake friends. And how to stick up for herself with phrases like 'don't speak to me like that' ect..

To be fair I'd worry about this girls home environment though. Maybe her mum is some codependent or there's abuse ect... the willy comment isn't a big deal, 11 year olds are not as innocent as we like to think. But calling herself n your kid ugly..yeah, not good.

Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany · 21/09/2019 07:36

Definitely call the school. 11 yr old don’t speak like that. At my school the headteacher would be logging that on MyConcern. There is something uneasy about it. I would tell the school that they are to be kept separate in classes and I’d be keeping my kid away from her outside school too.

Phaf · 21/09/2019 11:50

@bookwormsforever A good school will listen and apply the request.

I've lost count of the number of times I've had an email from pastoral saying X can't be anywhere near Y etc....it's very common.

@OP due to the sexualised comments please report to the school to safeguard that child.

NotGreenNotKeen · 21/09/2019 11:52

@Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany separate classes is a bit of a moon on a stick request. You have no idea how much work goes into arranging timetables and setting ability etc.

It is possible to ask every teacher however to monitor the girls and keep them away from eachother

youarenotkiddingme · 21/09/2019 12:00

My friends dd was and is like this.

She doesn't really have a filter or off switch. The issue was/is that mum a,ways defended her saying she didn't mean it etc. It's anxiety, it's poor social communication. It was these things alongside poor parenting and zero boundaries. (Can't say if she'd have stopped with boundaries tbf).

But the major issue was once she'd been through every person in the year group who'd ever given her a chance it escalated. She was left with no one.

If she had been taught some social skills and helped to develop appropriate language (however difficult) I don't think she'd have ended up so isolated.

Definitely talk to your dd about what a good friend says and does. Definitely speak to the school.

But I agree with others about being wary about speaking to the mum. She may not be willing to accept it until if (or even when) she's completely isolated. And maybe not even then.

Sittinonthefloor · 21/09/2019 12:41

Another teacher here - as the others have said please report to school, sexualised behaviour in an 11 yo is definitely a safeguarding concern. Do not engage with or speak to the girls mother. It would almost certainly make things worse and isn’t really your place to do so.

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