How do you forget things that happened a long time ago?

[stereomike]

I was bullied badly at school ... I was looking at old school photos a few days ago which has set off some difficult memories , and I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve actually felt much worse about it all . If I think too much I start crying . I left school ten years ago at 18 so I can’t understand why it still plays on my mind now .

For example at lunchtime I was always alone, so I had to hide behind buildings so no one found me . I used to pretend I liked that but I hated it and I remember crying a lot at the time . If they did find me I had food thrown at me, and there was a hell of a lot of sexualised stuff as well that I think was assault .

It was never entirely sorted because if one person/group stopped another started, and was that way until I was 17 or so . I had ‘friends’ from age 16 but I knew they were laughing at me behind my back, sometimes more blatantly than others .

I find myself questioning why, what I did that I could have done differently, if I was skinny , if I’d done my hair or make up or wore different clothes or was more ‘normal’ they’d not have laughed . I hardly look at photos of myself from that time period .

I’m much older now and I don’t have friends now because I’m scared they will feel the same way , I never let my guard down with my peers or older children/teenagers . Even my own cousins (17-30ish) I find I worry that they’re laughing at me .

I don’t understand why something that doesn’t happen now except in my own head (iyswim) should continue to upset me . Surely I should be ‘over’ it ?!

OP, you poor pet. That's hard to read, not to mind to have lived through. I wish I could give you a hug.

I'm certainly no therapist but you sound as if you have symptoms of something like PTSD. It sounds like you went through the most awful of times.

I think you are being very hard on yourself, thinking you can move on from this on your own.

I would suggest it could be very helpful to look for counseling and emotional support to help you deal with the huge hurt you feel.

To put your hugely justified hurt in perspective, my eldest didn't settle in his first year in secondary. He was quiet and hadn't any friends that he clicked with and spent lunch on his own. Now nobody was being unkind in anyway but he was lonely and sad. His father and I were heartbroken for him while trying to jolly him along. It all worked out very well for him the following year but we will never forget our upset and worry for him.
This is absolutely nothing compared with what you have gone through but 6 years later, I still feel myself filling up when I think of that time for my darling boy.

What you have experienced is hugely painful. You need to acknowledge this before you can move forward. No wonder you cry when you see those painful photos. No doubt you'd like to hug that younger you. Why wouldn't you.

Sending you best wishes and 💐