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Original poster

My mother died

24 replies

LostMemories · 20/09/2019 06:44

My mother died yesterday, where do I start with picking up the pieces?

I still don't think it has sunk in. I have a 2 year old DD to explain to that grandma (who she is forever asking to visit and talk to) isn't there anymore. How do I do that? I'm heartbroken she will never remember their fond memories together, she's been robbed of a grandma that loved her and made sure she had everything she needed and wanted.

I don't even know what to do when someone dies? A funeral? What else do I need to think of? I've lost, the one person I'd have asked about what to do is her and I just can't believe it's real.

OP posts:

KnifeAngel · 20/09/2019 06:47

So sorry for your loss. The funeral directors will advise you what to do. Keep your mum's memory alive for your daughter. Keep a photo on display and talk about her.

BiBiBirdie · 20/09/2019 06:50

I'm so sorry for your loss

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2019 06:51

I'm so so sorry
Do you have brothers and sisters?

HermioneN · 20/09/2019 06:52

I'm so sorry for your loss, the Funeral Directors will guide you through the practicalities.

Your daughter will remember through all the stories you share.

Take care x

gubbsywubbsy · 20/09/2019 06:55

Before you go to the funeral director you willl need to collect the death certificate and register the death . Unfortunately dealing with death is very involved and tedious especially when you are grieving. Is there anyone who can help you? Sorry for your loss .

The2Ateam · 20/09/2019 06:58

So sorry. My mum died in July and in was like you. The person I asked everything wasn’t there to ask. The funeral directors were really helpful as were the register office when I went to get her death certificate.

MadisonAvenue · 20/09/2019 07:01

I’m so sorry for your loss

Original poster

LostMemories · 20/09/2019 07:02

I just keep thinking I'm too young to have lost her, we all are.

OP posts:

MrsMozartMkII · 20/09/2019 07:05

I am so sorry lass

Sending you a handhold to help you through this.

sandgrown · 20/09/2019 07:09

So sorry for your loss . I found my aunties ( mum's sisters ) a big help with sorting things out. When we had to empty her house they helped me and we laughed and cried at the memories there. My son never met his grandma but he "knows" her as I have told him all about her and how proud of him she would have been. Thinking of you.

Landlubber2019 · 20/09/2019 07:09

I am sorry for your loss

intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 07:25

I'm so sorry for your loss

First you should collect the death certificate and register her death.

Next check if she had a funeral plan set up with anyone. Did she mention it to you?

If there anything mentioned in her will about a funeral?

Next contact the funeral directors and they will assist you with the rest.

Have a think about whether you want to put a notice in the paper. Was your mum a church goer, do you need to inform the minister/priest?

Next make a list of people you will have to inform, did your mum keep an address book?

Is there someone to help you?

itsme · 20/09/2019 07:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost mine 14 years ago when I was 20, she met all but 2 of her grandchildren. I tell my little girl who is 7 all about nanny and grandad (who died whilst I was pregnant). Sending love. X

latedecember1963 · 20/09/2019 07:30

Sending you my condolences. 🏵
The funeral directors should be able to advise you which documents you can take to the Register Office to have cancelled when you register your mum's death. Eg. her passport and driving licence. This will save you having to cancel them individually over the coming weeks.

stucknoue · 20/09/2019 07:35

First of all hugs

Take time to let it sink in, it's overwhelming. Your little one will be fine, you need to be truthful with her do not use euphemisms like gone to sleep because it scares them more, if you are religious then obviously you can include your beliefs but every expert says use the word dead however blunt it sounds with children.

Yes there's the matter of a funeral, I organise them as part of my job so feel free to pm me if you want specific advice. You can include anything you want, perhaps a passage from a book that your dd liked to share with her grandmother? Have a photoboard of fun times, you can have hymns, you can have pop songs - my dd is a semi pro singer and did a sound of music themed funeral once for a lady called Maria, it is really your choice. You can have a vicar, a humanist, an independent celebrant, a family member/friend can take it.

There's lots of paperwork like probate but that can wait, look after yourself and your dd xxx

Livebythecoast · 20/09/2019 07:41

I'm so very sorry for your loss .
Everything will feel overwhelming for a while.
You need to register her death and get a few copies of the certificate (I got 8).
Go to the gov.uk website and there's a form called 'tell us once'. You put in Mum's details and they inform anything like tax, driving licence (If applicable) and many other authorities.
Chose a funeral director and they will sort everything and have a chat about what sort of funeral, songs, eulogies etc.
My Mum died aged 59 when my DD was 2 as well. It's a very difficult age as they're too young to understand but old enough to know that person isn't around anymore. I used the word heaven and said Nanny had gone there and wasn't coming back. It's obviously up to you what language you use but I avoided words like sleeping or poorly as I didn't want her associating these words that we would still use iyswim.
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time x

DMCWelshcakes · 20/09/2019 07:43

www.gov.uk/after-a-death

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Here's the link to the booklet that tells you all the stuff you need to do step by step. We've had lots of deaths in our family over the last few years and have found it to be a very useful resource.

Practically over the next few days and weeks, try to keep eating and drinking. Everything else will come in its own time. And if you need more help, please see your GP.

Ohbuggerlugs · 20/09/2019 07:53

I’m so sorry OP I truly am x

Sickoffamilydrama · 20/09/2019 07:57

Sorry for loss I'm an ex funeral director, still work in the funeral industry pm if you want.

Towerofjoyless · 20/09/2019 08:59

So sorry for your loss OP, my DF died suddenly earlier in the year. I get what you mean about it not feeling 'real', so to speak, initially so will take a bit of time to sink in. Do you have a partner? I relied heavily on my DH as we have young children and he really had to pick up the slack while my sibling and I organised the funeral.

Damntheman · 20/09/2019 10:12

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, how horrific. Do you have any siblings who can help? The funeral director will be able to tell you exactly what you need to get done. But make sure you leave enough time for yourself to grieve. This process is so overwhelming and all consuming, you need to take care of yourself as well.

My dad died two years ago when my youngest was 3 months old, it was horrendous but at least I had siblings to help.

spiderlight · 20/09/2019 11:19

I am so very sorry. It's awful, it really is, but funeral directors are wonderful people and will guide you through it. The Tell Us Once service is very useful if it's available in your area - the registrar will be able to advise you on that.

Original poster

LostMemories · 20/09/2019 19:35

There's lots of people offering but I'm not sure I want them to help with the funeral and the probate but don't know where to start either. I've rung funeral homes today and have appointments next week. It all seems extortionate and my DM would have been moaning endlessly about how she'd take the cheap option. She was the kind of person who would want to help everyone and take very little.

I haven't really eaten but DH heated up a batch cooked meal she'd made this week. She was so excited for my DD to try it as it was my favourite growing up. DD has loved it this evening and I so desperately want to tell her about the wonderful review from DD as a recently fussy toddler who wolfed it down. I'm fighting the urge to call her.

I'm trying to be strong for everyone as they're all falling apart.

OP posts:

Quirrelsotherface · 21/09/2019 08:13

Just focus on getting to the end of each day, don't think too far ahead as it becomes overwhelming. Be kind to yourself, try and have some time alone during each day to try and process. Eat.

Try and keep things normal for your DD, as much for you as for her. It will keep you busy.

This happened to me when my DC were babies and one hadn't even arrived. For what it's worth, they are older now and they all know her. Know who she is, what she looked like and most importantly how much she loved them. I hope that they'll carry that with them. You can keep her memory alive for your DD.

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