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People who talk but don't listen

20 replies

Stressmess · 19/09/2019 12:06

Is it just me or does anyone else have the problem of people talking and not listening? Maybe I just have that type of face but recently I have been finding that people have been just talking at me rather than it being a two way conversation.
Recent situations in my work. My colleagues mil has been unwell and at the minute this is the only thing she seems to talk about. Last week I politely asked well "how is your mil?" just to take an interest and be polite. I wish I hadn't asked. For about 20 minutes she just talked at me, going in to far too much detail and all I did was nod and go yes, right, uh uh etc.
Second colleague hurt their foot. Again I politely asked "how are you, how's your foot?" again to be treated to a whole monolgue of how it happened and how it was and the ins and outs of everything. Again while I just listened, nodded, uh uh etc.
Third colleague is researching their family tree. Again talks incessantly but doesn't listen. All the details I have heard about their family going back generations and the ins and outs of everyone lives. Not particularly interesting to me but still I show an interest and listen.
Not to mention my mil who talks randomly about relatives and people I don't even know but does she listen? No.
Nobody ever asks me questions or takes an interest in my life? How are you? Actually pretty exhausted is the answer. I have two children with special needs, have a job, have a house to keep and constant appointments for my child. Because I don't make a big song and dance of things and just get on with things but I am tired and it is hard. Others just seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't notice. I take an interest in others but no one does it for me.

OP posts:
Stressmess · 19/09/2019 17:35

Am I the only one who has this problem?

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 19/09/2019 17:39

Nope, I have this too. I find that clients at work can be particularly adept at offloading all their woes onto me, totally unasked, and then swanning off without a backward glance. It's rude and invasive - I haven't asked them for the personal details that they give me. (I do not work in a field where it's required to give out personal information - I run a boutique, I'm not a counsellor or anything like that!).

In my personal life I've realised that I've drastically narrowed my circle of friends since I've been in my 40s, and the people I've kept in my life are the ones who are good at both talking about themselves and asking questions / listening to the answers.

Malibucyprus · 19/09/2019 18:14

My mom is one of those people. I often joke with my sister that we should just leave a cardboard cut out of ourselves with her, she doesn’t expect any participation from us in her conversations, she just wants to talk and talk and talk....

Flicketyflack · 19/09/2019 19:51

Yep my Dad does this as do many parents at my children's school Grin

If only people would sometimes listen to each other more Sad

Piglet208 · 19/09/2019 19:57

I have decided the majority of people lack emotional intelligence and are self absorbed without recognising the needs of others. They dominate conversations and rarely ask questions of others. Or maybe I'm just incredibly boring! As I get older my close circle of friends has reduced to the few people who show they genuinely care and hold proper conversations where they both talk and listen in equal measure.

simplekindoflife · 19/09/2019 20:08

I have a friend like this... she just talks at you and she's always moaning about something. It's quite exhausting. I honestly don't think she has any idea about anyone else's lives as she never asks!

Jupiters · 19/09/2019 20:10

I've decided I most just have the sorry of face they inspires people to offload all their problems on me. I have recently realised, as I've been going through a bit of a tough time, that pretty much all my friendships are one sided... I'm good for offloading their problems onto but no one really seems to care about me/mine!

pinkunicorn20 · 19/09/2019 20:20

All the time, my job is a counsellor so in my contracted hours I do my job. I'm trained for it and am looked after by the organisation for the emotional toll this takes.
Unfortunately this seems to have seeped into my 'real life' because pinks a counsellor she's used to it!

MellowBird85 · 19/09/2019 20:20

Well put @Piglet208 - I totally agree.

I work with a woman who talks over people and manages to turn the topic of conversation to something going off in her life. She’s also a Tommy Topper (her cats blacker than yours) and just generally a very off-putting person. I don’t know how people can be so aware of themselves. I know straight away when I’m droning on a bit or starting to bore someone?

Benefitofthedoubt · 19/09/2019 20:24

I know someone who talks over me when I haven’t even finished answering her question! A question about what she should do, not about me.

I tried about four times once to tell her something beneficial for her daughter and in the end gave up!

She has ring about ten times in the last few days and I haven’t bothered answering the phone. It gets old.

fedup21 · 19/09/2019 20:30

This happens to me all the time-I was beginning to take it personally.

I have had entire conversations with some ‘friends’ in the past where they haven’t asked one thing about me and haven’t given me the chance to say anything other than ooh and aah about their endless self-indulgent stories!

My MIL is the worst. She will actually ask me questions, but then interrupts me almost immediately, to turn the conversation back to herself.

I just give up and spend as little as possible with these people.

Ilikewinter · 19/09/2019 20:40

Yes, MIL does this all the time, i don't think she knows anything about our lives at all!

A particular person at work will ask how your weekend/day off was with the specific aim of telling you all about hers.

I no longer ask people "how are you" because I dont really want to hear the answer.

RandomMess · 19/09/2019 20:44

DH manager talks about his ill
Health including details of his bowel movements in response to barely know colleagues say "hi, how are you?" As in polite conversation in the kitchen

ConfusedShockEnvy

kulaexchange · 19/09/2019 20:51

I totally get this!! Previous poster that said it's rude an invasive is spot on. I use to think I had a gift that made me a good listener, nowadays I just think I'm a mug who needs to be more assertive about my boundaries!!

Obviouslynotallthere · 19/09/2019 20:51

I do this and wish I didn't. I try very hard to shut up sometimes. I do it with friends mostly. When I'm with my side of the family no one is interested in what I've got to say anyway. I can see their eyes glaze over so I end up just keeping quiet. So I get both sides I suppose.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 19/09/2019 21:18

I know someone who does this, but I think that's because she's not actually interested in what anyone is saying she's just waiting for her turn to talk again. She asked me the other day how my new role at work is going (it's a big deal, I'd been going for it for ages and finally got it, plus it's madly busy and I've upped my hours considerably) so I answered that it's busy but so great. I then went to say I'm really enjoying it, but she leapt back in with a monologue about her last weekend, plans for this weekend and then someone's birthday and what she'd bought them.

She also 'mmhmmmm's in all the wrong places while I'm talking which means she's not listening and is trying to hurry me up so she can speak. It's so hard - I lose track of what I'm saying because of the badly-timed noises she's making and if I pause to take even the smallest breath she's back in with 'me me meeeee!'

lovelilies · 19/09/2019 21:22

I talk too much. But I have Adhd so can't really help it. I can hear myself yammering on and wish I could STFU 😔

Girasole02 · 19/09/2019 21:32

I'm now NC with a former friend who was like this. Decision was made when I arranged an evening out and, on the 40 minute journey there, I could barely get a word in. Just a monologue about her. No interest in me at all. That's not what friendship is to me. It should be a 2 way thing with easy conversation and a mutual interest in each other. It's emotionally draining to listen to and makes you feel irrelevant. No thanks.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 19/09/2019 21:41

There’s a lady in our village like this. Except her monologue is generally a self centred spiel of her own arrogant opinions or a rant at you for some perceived misdemeanour. She’s spectacularly lacking in any self awareness, for all her pompousness and self proclaimed intelligence. I just avoid her now, I can’t be arsed with it.

Daphnesmate · 20/09/2019 11:06

And then there's those people who just blatantly don't listen - who look over your shoulder or around for someone else etc. when you are talking.
I am guilty of wanting to talk just about me sometimes but then again with my good friends, I always make an effort not to do this because they are important to me. Personally, I would benefit from some counselling but it is so expensive and I haven't got any major issues rumbling at the moment so can't justify.

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