One child or risk more loss?

[fredde]

I'm looking for advice/ experiences

I'm 42 with an only dc who is 7 and my world. We were one and done but I changed my mind and decided we would try for another. We didn't expect it to happen but I quickly became pregnant
I then miscarried which was very upsetting
I now don't know how I feel. I was happy I was pregnant and looked forward to the future but now I'm back to square 1 and my age and the type of miscarriage means it is likely that I will suffer more loss if I try again
Even if I manage to have a baby there will be a massive age gap
I worry that I was confusing sadness at the end of my fertility with a desire for another baby. Was it because the decision was being taken away from me that I so wanted another?
I wonder if i tried because I wanted to leave the decision to fate and fate has decided

I spent a long time deciding to try and now I feel like the miscarriage was a sign I shouldn't have

I wonder if I should just count my blessings and leave sleeping dogs lie. I will always have regret but the alternative route is very risky and difficult

I have to decide quickly as it's a decision that won't be available to make for much longer

I’m sorry for your loss.
No one can decide for you but I hope that you make the right decision for your family.

If it were me, then I’d stay with the ine child now that the gap is wuite big. But that’s just me.

Hugs 💐

I'm sorry for your loss, OP

I'm not in exactly the same situation as you and I've never experienced that kind of loss, but like you, I do sometimes question where my desire to have another baby is really coming from. I won't go into all that, as this is about you, but as you know, nobody but you can make this decision.

You have to weigh everything up. There is no right or wrong decision. If you decided to go ahead and it didn't work out, you didn't make the wrong decision. It's how life goes sometimes and unfortunately, there are no crystal balls.

Thanks for replying. Yes @Twospaniels I think I should quit whilst I'm ahead but I feel sad about it

@nobigotsallowed please do share your thoughts on your situation. It really helps me to hear other people have similar thoughts. Sometimes I think I am going mad! If only I had a crystal ball!

I think I'm going to try some counselling and see if that helps

I am very sorry for your loss but honestly, I think you should leave it now.

You said the nature of the miscarriage means that you're likely to have more, do you really want to put yourself through that?

You said about fate deciding and it has. I also have an only child so I can empathise with the nagging feeling of should/shouldn't have more but it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your child which is brilliant, perhaps try and focus on the great things that having an only child brings, because there are plenty imo.

Hi op
I'm in a sort of similar situation. 1 dc (7) conceived through ivf. Recently considered going down ivf route again. Had tests done and they weren't great- so we've decided that this is fate. I've only ever been pregnant once so never miscarried etc and ivf worked first time back then so we've decided not to try again as a) I think the chances are low and I don't want to suffer huge disappointment and b) I might miscarry and suffer loss and c) the age gap would be big and d) we have a really nice life and I'm fearful of disrupting that.
Good luck in any decision you make

I love having one and don't see it as "less than" a bigger family, there are loads of plus points - there are threads on here discussing that. But that's just my experience - we decided not to try for a second dc.

I am very happy with my only but the pregnancy made me start dreaming of a different future which I was happy with and obviously once I make this decision I can't change my mind

I do agree it's best to cut my losses

What I don't understand is if fate wanted to tell me no why it had to do it in such an awful way .. allowing us to conceive and then resulting in a very traumatic miscarriage and emergency surgery

Why couldn't it have just not let us conceive! It's almost as if it wants me to have the message loud and clear. I hear you fate!

Thanks for responses

Similar situation. DH wants another child but I’m miscarrying as we speak. Really early miscarriage (around 5 weeks). We had two missed miscarriages discovered at the 11/12 week scans before our DS was born so this is my third MC in total.

I don’t want to go through this again, I just don’t. I’m also concerned there is something ‘wrong’ with either DH or I to cause the miscarriages. Our DS is lovely and healthy so we’re obviously capable but miscarriages are so very emotionally draining and physically tough too.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think you simply need to weigh up whether the desire to have another child outweighs the risk of another MC or not .

Sorry to hear that @nonmerci I hope you are doing ok

for all

Sorry to hear of your loss @nonmerci

If it helps stay on this thread and chat

X

I had 4 Mc before being blessed with DS1 then attempted to have a second with 2mc decided to have a very definite final try as I just couldn’t do it anymore and was slowly coming to terms with an only but we were so lucky to have DS2 he’s completed our little unit for definite.
DH has now had the snip i just couldn’t go through the worry and pain again and decided to quit whilst we were ahead.
My age wasn’t an issue though so can’t help with that side.

As it is, you have a happy, healthy DC and family.
I miscarried a planned DC2 when I was 36. We decided not to try again as it made us realise how happy we were as things were.
39 was always my personal cut off age for getting pregnant due to health concerns. I'm now 40 and can't get pregnant due to medication. It's a relief to be honest. The little niggle of "what if?" has gone.

I guess I do believe in signs (like little coincidences) but not 'signs' to do with our bodies. And definitely I don't believe in fate.
Making babies is hard, that's all. Nobody's fault.

This is so upsetting to you; I wouldn't chance something so upsetting again if it were me.

Secondary infertility (with a very similar age gap) sent me into a very deep, dark place that took a long time to climb out of, so I know how you feel. For me my 41st birthday was the real pits.

We tried for a long time and had fertility treatment, but I never got another positive pregnancy test. Nothing.

What helped in the end was consciously not monitoring my cycles and turning away from all fertility related chat and products.
Time does soften things, but it still catches me unawares every now and again.

Thanks for your messages

@AndWhat that must have been tough going through it so many times but congrats on getting your little one

@lljkk your comments are comforting thanks

@MaybeDoctor sorry for your experience I hope it will get easier for me too...

Sorry forgot @MinnieMountain yes the constant. What ifs are driving me nuts. I want closure on this subject!

I'm feeling much more positive today about everything

Thanks for your responses

Glad you are feeling better fredde.

Unfortunately my own wise words have come back to bite me on the bum. Today my own sibling told me that they were pregnant with their third child at the age of 40. They told me this over the phone with no prior warning. They know full well that I desperately wanted a second child. The sheer tactlessness of it has sent me reeling.

I managed to steel myself while on the phone but was in pieces afterwards. I feel as if I am in a deep pit of shit and just want to pull the lid over my head.

The advice I would give you today is, whichever direction you go in, to leave no stone unturned until you get to a point where there are no more options. Only then can you get closure.

@MaybeDoctor sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. I found out my brother in law was expecting and whilst I'm delighted for them I'm gutted for me and it really hurts. They are due the same day I was due ( what's the chances of that !) and I feel like they've taken our baby

Is it too late for you to try again?

I'm sure I will lots of feelings of sadness and regret in the future but I have to try and focus on the amazing family I do have

Thanks for writing back. Yep, there's no 'right' thing that you can possibly say to express your feelings in that situation, as any possible words/actions are perceived as being mean or unsupportive to the expectant parents.

I am 44 so it probably is too late for me now.

I was in such a state this morning that I searched for and found this organisation online. fertilitynetworkuk.org/

They do have a helpline, so perhaps it might be helpful to you or someone else.

Hi @MaybeDoctor hope you are feeling better

I am trying to focus on all the amazing positives of having one and the difficulties we would have with a big age gap

It's hard when I look around and see all my friends with the perfect 2 year age gap and I see their future with their adult children in but it has been hard for them I'm sure and they are now coming out the other end

I wish I had tried earlier but I just wasn't ready

I have no desire to go back to the baby days but I would have liked more children

I just missed the boat that's all I suppose!