My daughter thinks she’s ugly what can I do to help her?

[TheStoreRoom]

Our beautiful little girl told me quite matter of fact my that she is ugly yesterday on way home from school. She is 6 years old. We tell her on a daily basis that she is beautiful as well as kind, clever funny etc. Etc
She is very confident and sociable. She started a new school at Xmas not sure if that’s knocked her confidence :( but overall she’s enjoying it and made some friends.
What can I do to help her see that she is so far from ugly I wish she could see herself with my eyes.

Bless her little heart. Have you asked her why she thinks that? See what she says?

Children tend to have really funny ideas about what is ugly. Maybe her hair is the wrong length? Maybe her sweater is the wrong colour? At any rate it will be something small and silly.

She says she’s been studying her face in the mirror and she doesn’t like the shape of her eyes? I’m not sure why they are lovely.
Asked her if anyone had said anything about her appearance to make her worried she said not

My friend did what you're not supposed to do when her DD went through similar and booked her DD a photo session with a lovely photographer who specialises in children's photos in natural environments.

They had a lovely half-day in the woods with DD in a variety of different outfits skipping through the woods like an elf or a fairy. The photos were beautiful and it did help her DD a lot.

She also enrolled her in ballet...I KNOW none of this is feminist...and I AM a feminist...but sometimes, I think we all need to feel a bit special.

As well as reassuring her that she's not, you could also reinforce the fact that it shouldn't matter anyway. That ugly has always been an insult directed more at girls than at boys. Hopefully she'll be so outraged at the idea that girls are treated as lesser than boys that it will make her see the perception of ugliness in a different light.

Can you imagine a 6 year old boy scrutinising their face and deciding they don't like the shape of their eyes?

Your poor DD.

I was definitely like your DD as a kid and of course it's completely irrational that she thinks she's ugly.

It's a tricky one because it's something she can't change.
Maybe give her a mini makeover to make her feel pretty. Go to the hairdressers and get it curled/straightened. Let her pick out new clothes with a budget of £20 for example. Pop into Claire's and get some accessories. And go to Build-a-Bear Workshop to top it off.

This isn't really a long term solution but hopefully she'll grow out of it.

I would make sure she had loads of opportunities to feel powerful and that she has achieved something.

‘I can do it’ is a very strong basis against all sorts of other pressures throughout life.

I wouldn’t constantly tell her she is beautiful either. Whether she is or isn’t. It keeps it in the agenda as something that matters. People don’t talk to small boys like this.

But “that’s a great picture if you, brilliant cartwheel!”, “wow look at this pic of you making cupcakes, you look like an expert, love that smile if pride on your face!”

She also enrolled her in ballet...I KNOW none of this is feminist

I use the book “Stick up for yourself” with children who struggle with their self-esteem. You can buy it on Amazon or eBay.

"Give her a mini makeover and get her hair curled". God how bloody depressing -please don't! She's 6! Don't start sending her the message that if she feels "ugly" all she has to do is try and change how she looks, make herself more pretty and feminine and everything will be ok. Maybe 6 is also too young to go full on into explaining that society has expectations that girls have to be pretty to be "acceptable" but you can certainly try to teach her to put emphasis on other qualities that are more important than how she looks. What she's good at or enjoys being the main thing.

Please don't give her a makeover. That just tells her she isn't good enough in day to day life.

Your face and body are just a vessel, ugliness is inside a person not shown on the outside.

Could you try giving her the message that no-one is ugly?
My DD2 went through a longish phase of feeling bad about her body because she is curvier than her very slim sister. They are very different body shapes.

We had some exploratory conversations together about how judging someone for how they look is unkind and generally sexist (in simple terms).

I also showed her pictures of different body types, skin colors, ages, etc of girls and women on the internet. We agreed that they all had their own beauty and that that was indeed what made them beautiful.

Basically it was about making her see that she wasn't judging anyone else on their physical appearance so why would she judge herself.

It took a little while of this sort of thing but the message I wanted her to take on is that we are all beautiful so she must be too and that she must be as kind towards herself as she is towards other people. Otherwise known as self-esteem.

Good luck. I feel for your DD.

Do you ever put yourself down or scrutinize your face in front of her? Could other female role models be doing this?

Even if you/they aren't so many adverts and television programmes encourage women to have low self esteem too - it's just so profitable!

I don't think six is too young. She's clearly unhappy with her appearance, what's wrong with making your daughter feel special? She could get it cut, get accessories, I don't see what's wrong with that. It distracts from her eyes and gives her something that she does actually like, it's exciting. Nothing wrong with wanting to feel pretty at any age, it's not like getting her a nose job it's just a change of hair/clothes.

If her mum already tells her she's amazing, telling her again isn't going to change anything.

Is ballet unfeminist ?
I think people who say this don’t really understand ballet. But anyway it’s not really relevant to the thread.
Op... just give your daughter lots of opportunities to feel exhilarated and loved. Ballet is good for this.. to feel strong and powerful. All exercise. Spending time in nature, swimming, making beautiful things.
It’s fine to feel ugly some days. That’s just part of the human experience. The best lesson is not to reach a verdict on whether she is or isn’t ugly, but to give her the tools to surf the wave of ugly feeling days. Because we all have them !

Can you imagine a 6 year old boy scrutinising their face and deciding they don't like the shape of their eyes?

Actually my seven year old son is being very critical of his appearance and calling himself ugly a lot at the moment, which I'm trying to get to the bottom of.

There's an argument for not telling little girls they're beautiful all the time as it draws attention to and puts emphasis on looks. I don't know. It's a tough one. I'd be inclined to shrug it off as opposed to make a big deal out of it as it's more likely she'll forget about it in a couple of days than be the start of a lifelong complex.
DS said he didn't like the shape of his eyes when he smiled once or twice but he never mentioned it again.

Are you sure there's not another girl in the class with a different eye shape who she wants to be friends with?
Or along those lines that someone won't play with her because of her eye shape...or glasses...or because they're 6?