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Original poster

DD getting nasty comments at new high school, when to say something?

25 replies

MayorMumbum · 16/09/2019 21:33

DD has an anxiety disorder and has just started high school. We home schooled her for six months due to horrible bullying in primary and moved out of area to give her a completely clean start in September.

She has been at her new high school for two weeks and has done really well and if anyone remembers my prior hysterical threads, she's even getting the bus there and back independently, something I never thought she would manage to do!

However, there is a girl she has most of her classes with who keeps making barbed comments to her and its starting to escalate (she has called her a science freak and today called her lame in front of a whole group of kids as DD doesn't have social media).

I know these seem like small things but DD hasn't made a friend yet (this girl has made comments about this also) and the bullying from primary is still very fresh in her mind so I'm trying to decide what to do.

DD says she's pretty horrible to everyone so isn't singling her out but is quite intimidated by her. She doesn't want me to tell her teachers yet as doesn't feel like it's a "big enough deal" despite being hugely anxious about it herself iyswim.

I know high school is a whole new world and want her to get a thicker skin but I also just cannot cope with the idea of her getting bullied again. It has taken six months to get her confidence back, stop self harming etc.

Any advice would be appreciated, she's my eldest so have never dealt with having a child in high school before. I know I should probably just take a wait and see approach but after what she went through I want to nip it in the bud as quickly as possible.

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 16/09/2019 21:33

I’d arrange a meeting/call with head of gear to discuss it.

Haggisfish · 16/09/2019 21:34

Head of year!

Landlubber2019 · 16/09/2019 21:37

I wouldn't wait and would be contacting the head of year.

WilkosWanderer · 16/09/2019 21:39

Teach her to insult back

BenWillbondsPants · 16/09/2019 21:41

HOY. Don't wait.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 16/09/2019 21:42

Phew. Thought I'd get flamed for over reacting to be honest!

Wilkos, I honestly wish she would but she would find it impossible to do. Confrontation terrifies her.

OP posts:

FeelBetterForIt · 16/09/2019 21:47

I know it's old fashioned now but my dad gave me invaluable advice when I suffered similar. There were a group of girls who decided I was "posh" and a "boffin" which definitely wasn't approved of by the in crowd at my school.

Anyway, my dad just told me to ignore them and they'd get bored. And it worked, like magic. After less than one day of appearing not to care, they never bothered me again.

I'd try that before getting school involved. If it escalates, then of course the school need to act but ime (now work in school) early parental/school involvement can be counter productive.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 16/09/2019 21:54

That's my concern, Feel Better. That it will make things worse if I jump in too early.

OP posts:

Jaffacakebeast · 16/09/2019 22:04

Nip it in the bud now, never to early in my opinion, the hoy probs won’t do anything right away, but it’ll be on record if it escalates

MollyButton · 16/09/2019 22:10

Talk to the HOY ASAP! Do they know the background about the bullying before? If not you need a meeting to discuss it.
Things school can do is intervene swiftly to stop unpleasant comments. They can also sort out a buddy system and maybe an older "mentor". Added to this the SENCO may be able to provide social skills sessions and safe places for your DD, and your DD might even be able to join a lunch time social skills club.
Another thing that can help is if there are clubs your DD can join.
the form tutor also needs to be informed and to watch out for trouble.

steppemum · 16/09/2019 22:11

most schools are really good at helping year 7s to settle, and the year 7 tutors are very open to hearing from parents if there is a problem.

I would speak to her tutor, stress that you don't wnat anything said publically, and she is worried about making it worse, but with the history of bullying, you don't want her to get a bad start.
They may have observed this girl and already have her on their radar, and then your comment my be the bump for them to take some action with her in general terms (ie not directly rlavant to your dd)

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 16/09/2019 22:16

The school are aware of DDs issues yes, but as she internalises a great deal it's not always easy to spot when she is struggling.
She's yet to make any friends at all as of yet and has been spending lunch times reading by herself. Ive not heard of any social skills class but I will definitely ask.

I think I will speak to her head of year in the morning just to make her aware.

OP posts:

steppemum · 16/09/2019 22:25

just to reassure you, dd1 is fairly quiet, and spent loads of lunchhours reading in the first few weeks. She told me recently she didn't make a friend until about November. (she got on with people but just not a specific friend)
2 things helped. She went to the library instead of reading on her own. There she found a group of other girls doing the same, and they linked up.
The other thing was she tried out some lunchtime clubs. One was archery, and there she met her best friend.

Greeni · 16/09/2019 22:31

In my experience telling teachers makes it so much worse. I’d tell her to just ignore it and talk to other people in the class.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 24/09/2019 09:03

Just updating to say it seems to have escalated in to full on bullying now . The girl started on DD as soon as she walked in to the school this morning. The head of year seems really supportive and has promised me she is going to deal with it but I am terrified that it will now get worse.

I'm so gutted for DD, she has only just recovered from self harming/trichotillomania brought about by being bullied in primary school (I home-schooled her for the last six months as a result) and now it seems to be happening again. She hasn't made a single friend in the three weeks she has been there and spends every break and lunch time in the library.

I just don't understand it. She is so clever, funny, beautiful and thoughtful but seems to have a "bully me" sticker on her. She isn't a typical girly girl and prefers programming/video games but I'm sure there are lots of girls at her school like that so I don't understand why she has been targeted already .

Sorry for the rant, I'm just so upset. She was settling in so well. We spent thousands on a house move to give her a completely fresh start only for it to happen to her again.

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/09/2019 09:06

Is this an all girls school

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 24/09/2019 09:19

No it's a mixed school and she everything else about it is great.

OP posts:

scrunchSE18 · 24/09/2019 10:55

My DD has been struggling since starting secondary where no one from her primary went. She is autistic and finds making and keeping friends very difficult. She has managed to find clubs for every lunchtime (from Choir to computing) which has really helped as well as being given a pass to the learning support room for if she’s feeling overwhelmed. She has already had some low level bullying but Intervention from her form tutor and then the hoy seems to have stamped on it. She hasn’t made a friend yet but seems happier this week than before so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. My DS spent his time in the library and found friends there rather than in clubs. It’s really hard in the beginning and I think filling unstructured time is key to finding their tribe. Hope you daughter and mine find theirs soon!

SweetPetrichor · 24/09/2019 11:43

I was that kid...I went to a new school for secondary with nobody from my primary, I was quiet, I was the wee gamer nerd/goth, and just to cap it all, my dad was a teacher in the school so I was the dreaded teachers child too!

Bullies want a reaction. Tell her not to give them the privilege of a reaction. They are just idiots who are probably more insecure than she is and just goes about dealing with it differently. My parents told me to pity the bully and to not react. Honestly, they get fed up. It's no fun if their jibes don't result in anything.

I personally think that when the parents get involved in secondary school it's just going to make it worse. That's like the prime reaction and just feeds the bully.

PotteringAlong · 24/09/2019 11:47

She hasn't made a single friend in the three weeks she has been there and spends every break and lunch time in the library.

But is this not a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy? In lessons she’s silently getting on with her work, so if she spends all her free time shut away by herself she’s not going to make friends.

Does the school have extra curricular groups she could join and make friends that way?

aintnothinbutagstring · 24/09/2019 12:13

I have a y7 dd too, started her school without a single primary friend (different catchment). I was apprehensive about social media but then allowed WhatsApp, nothing else. It's been useful as there's a couple of group chats, one for her form group, another for her set group (she is in one set for all subjects). So she uses it to share info on homework, who's going to what club, in between the usual silly jokes and whatnot. I don't think she would have joined some of the clubs she has done if not for these group chats and knowing others are going. And lots of helping each other with homework queries, what kit for PE etc. She knows I check her phone and I've told her other parents will check so be careful what she says.

spiderlight · 24/09/2019 12:20

Oh, bless her :( I really hope she finds a friend soon. Clubs should be starting to get underway in the next week or so. Encourage her to join some - STEM club tends to be a good one. My little bully-magnet, now in Y8, made some friends in the year above at Japanese club and hasn't had any trouble from his bully since. Would the Head of Year be able to pair her up with an older buddy for a few weeks?

Out of school, would she be interested in learning a self defence or martial art just to boost her confidence?

Damntheman · 24/09/2019 14:10

Oh man OP I'm sorry, I'm afraid of this happening to my son as he ages too.

Keep on the school, don't let up. Don't teach your daughter to insult back! Giving the bully attention will give her what she wants. Ignore ignore ignore, don't even register that she's even heard her.

Agree with getting your daughter into clubs and activities to make new friends. Once she has at least one good friend she'll have a much better time of things.

billy1966 · 24/09/2019 14:29

OP, so sorry for you. So upsetting after all you've been through.

Is it the same girl?

You can't pussy foot around this. Have you named the girl? Have you asked what are they going to do to this girl? What action are they going to take.

Make them dread hearing from you in the nicest way possible.

They have an obligation to protect your DD.

Follow up today with a letter detailing what's going on plus the contact you have had with the YH.

Escalate it to the vice Principal and Principal.

They need to create a buddy system for her to help her settle in. Ask for a nice girl in her year to be assigned to her.

💐

fantasmasgoria1 · 24/09/2019 18:32

I totally get how stressful this is for both of you. From personal experience the effects of bullying sticks with you all of your life. Your dd already has anxiety which compounds the issue. My mum made a half-hearted attempt to contact head of year but it carried on for 5 years. I hope you manage to get this sorted out as soon as possible.

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