Self esteem in tatters

[DustMyselfOff]

Going through painful divorce with a man I've loved for 15 years. Not here to discuss his behaviour, which has been poor, but it's relevant to say that his reasons are because he feels he does not, not has ever, loved me.

Well naturally I'm reeling and feeling pretty shit about myself. I'm, you know, average looking, but I'm a nice, kind person with a good sense of fun and a wicked sense of humour. I do believe that about myself. I have an incredible circle of friends so people do like me but I just can't make myself believe that I'm ever going to find someone to love me if the man who knows me better than anyone can't.

Fuck i sound so pathetic. I'm trying so hard to be strong but to go from being secure in what you thought was a loving marriage to suddenly single is making me feel very vulnerable and rejected. And i jist don't have any confidence that I'll actually find love.

I am sure others will come along who have been in a similar situation as you and can give better advice.
I think you need to give yourself some more time. Be kind to yourself. You are not unlovable - no body is.
Please remember your ex might not be telling you the truth. Why would he have stayed with you so long if he really didn’t love you? He is probably saying that now to justify his own shitty behaviour.
If you have a great circle of friends, you are doing just fine. Go out, enjoy yourself with friends. You do not need a man to prove that you are a great person.

Rewriting history is a trick which men use when they leave.

It's sometimes something that comes along with infidelity. Was he unfaithful?

They do it to convince themselves their behaviour is/was justified. I watched a male 'friend' do it to his wife of 20 years. He'd been utterly in love with her for many years then he had a sort of mid-life crisis/mental breakdown and suddenly upped and left.

He said "I've never been in love with you, you pushed me into marriage"

it was utter bollocks. He'd been completely in love with her and wanted marriage and kids as much as she did.

Don't measure yourself against HIM and his perception of you any more.

Remember who you were before you were with him...think of how you were and when you were at your happiest before him...you can be that again.

some men use it when they leave.

He's fallen out of love with you but rather than saying that he's being a shit and saying he never loved you.

If he had never loved you he would have gone within 5 years

HennyPenny I was nobbut a lass when we met. I've spent my whole adult life with him. I have no fucking idea how to be single. I can't sleep at night because I hate the bed being empty. I'm pitiful and ashamed of myself.

And some of you are near the truth with your suppositions so I'm inclined to trust what you say.

I'm also dreading my libido returning when this hideous stress has passed. It's pretty high and it's going to make me miserable in the physical sense and as a constant reminder that I am single.

I looked at Tinder the other day just to see what it's about (OLD has changed a bit 'since my day') - it was sooooo depressing. How the fuck are you supposed to find anything but a hookup on apps like that?

I keep staring at myself in the mirror trying to analyse my attractiveness level. I honestly can't tell. I've probably gained points by dropping about two dress sizes since I've barely been able to eat since this kicked off. I'm under 40, nice hair, nice eyes, decent skin. I feel like I look OK in the mirror but then I just feel this overwhelming rejection and feel all wrong about myself.

I'm making an effort for my own sake and to try and fool the kids that I'm still ... me, I guess, but I suddenly feel terribly terrible vulnerable and exposed. I'm walking around feeling like my protective armour has been removed and then, when I'm home, I can't stand to be naked (never an issue before) because again I feel like some kind of protective shield has been stripped away from me and I'm vulnerable.

I can't concentrate on TV programmes or books, music is dangerous because so much of it is an immense trigger. Staying busy with housework, being with friends and writing are the only things that help. I dread bedtimes, they're hell. Waking up in the morning is sickening. Literally. Every morning I'm retching over the loo (and I have an upset tummy, too. Just to complete the trifecta of stomach issues). I'm charging at the divorce in the hope that somehow getting through it will be the key to getting over it. I just want this bit to be over. I don't know if I forgot, or just never truly realised, how painful and destructive heartbreak could be.

Oh I am so sorry - your pain just screams off the page. You are going through an abandonment and it is an incredibly painful process, physically and mentally. You will come through it, although that's hard to believe at the moment, but for now be kind to yourself. I get the feeling you are powering ahead with things in an attempt to outrun the pain, but sometimes that's just putting extra pressure on yourself. Although it hurts, if you can just be in the situation for a bit, you may be able to let yourself heal. I also strongly recommend counselling if you can, if only to gain some perspective. And one last thing - avoid talking to your husband about the situation if you can. As PPs have said he has his own agenda now and will hurt you to save his own pysche and self esteem.
Best wishes - you will get through this.

I don't know what else to do except power ahead with the situation. I need him OUT of the house because having him here is too painful. I need to do something in the daytime because time to think ends with me howling on the floor. This family has been my whole world for years and I have no life outside it. Yet.