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Original poster

High conflict ex

13 replies

AliBee1 · 15/09/2019 15:51

I have been separated from my ex for 2 years and have a court order setting out contact.

He is very demanding and since having the court order is now refusing to stick to the court order and threatening me with court action when I don’t do as he says.

History of domestic abuse and now he wants a chat when I pick up my 3yr old.

Track history may be repeating with me sticking to the court order and him trying to manipulate me into changing my mind.

It’s wearing me down and having time off work due to stress. Any tips on how to manage? I don’t want to head back to court but can see it heading that way in the future!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 15:52

What does he want to change about the court order?

Original poster
AliBee1 · 15/09/2019 15:53

Child contact that should read- no way i’d be in contact otherwise!

OP posts:
Original poster
AliBee1 · 15/09/2019 15:55

I’m not sure this time but has previously been holidays when the court order has just changed to day visits.

I feel sick to think what he will change ultimately into a chance to start an argument

OP posts:

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Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 16:23

So long as you're not offering less than he is entitled to under the order he presumably agreed to then I would do your best to ignore his threats.

Original poster
AliBee1 · 15/09/2019 16:30

I am but it’s a long grind and there is always a consequence. He uses my daughter in the threat...if I don’t pick up where he wants (not what is in the order) he will take my daughter for the night. If I don’t do X he’s taking it back to court. I’ve told him to do it ....so far an empty threat, or turns up late.

It’s like he says jump and I have no choice but to. There is history to the relationship that I’m well rid of but his behaviour towards has not changed. I’ll see what is said tonight and i’ll be Saying “I’m sticking to the court order”.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 17:13

Yes you need to stick to the order. He is trying to control you by pulling this shit. If he keeps changing the goalposts then you would be entitled to take it back to court. If he keeps her a night that he is not entitled to then that is a breach.

something2say · 15/09/2019 20:35

Be careful. He is establishing a new pattern.

I'd start by keeping a diary of events and comments. Get evidence.
Try and have all comms in written format.
Try and handover with someone else there when possible.
Do go back to court.
What you want are set times which he is clear on, a bollocking issued to him, and a plan around safe hangovers, which clarity on why. (Because he can't be trusted.)
Going back to court is a good thing.

Original poster
AliBee1 · 16/09/2019 13:52

Well I think you must have had a crystal ball as we are heading back to court after not getting my LO back until this morning. New something was brewing!

It’s a very prescriptive court order with dates and time. It’s a hard one to mess up...unless it’s not been read.

I have got a diary and am slowly putting evidence together. Staying strong and getting stuff done. My wits have had it though! Thank you ladies for your input x

OP posts:
Grambler · 16/09/2019 21:36

So she's back with you now?

Original poster
AliBee1 · 16/09/2019 21:51

She is Smile

OP posts:
saveallyourkisses · 17/09/2019 14:41

I too separated from an ex partner with a history of domestic abuse around five years ago. We have one DC together.
I'm my experience, my ex would get hostile, angry and try to change things set out in our court order when he wanted more control. It has always been intimidating but I've had to be strong willed and say no. I recommend the following that may help-

  • Use a written form of communication, and keep spoken conversation very brief, very neutral and always the same things. Say things like 'Hi' in a light way but immediately say to DC 'ok sweetie, have a lovely time and I'll see you at ....' then handover, get back into car and wave DC off from there. Make it clear that anything he needs to know will be in that written contact form. I initially used a contact book that would be passed between us, and in the front wrote emergency contact details.
  • Write out the date, time beginning and time ending each contact session for each entry in the contact book so that he can't claim he wasn't aware of the arrangement for that day.
  • Make it clear that any contact with you directly (such as via text) is for emergencies involving the DC only. Anything else can be put into the contact book/your chosen format.
  • It's imperative that you set boundaries for yourself and your DC. If he behaves badly during contact handover, simply remove yourself and DC from the situation and leave. He cannot take a child into his care whilst being irate and abusive and if you remove his audience, it takes away his power over things.
  • Be 'grey rock' with him. Essentially, just show no emotion, be civil and brief in anything you say and shut down when he tries to get a reaction by leaving as said above.
  • Always do handover in a public place with cameras, and always on neutral ground. Avoid him coming to your home for any contact handovers.
  • Simply say that you will stick to the court order and won't deviate from this. He can threaten to take you back. This will cost him money, he will look an abusive idiot for dragging a perfectly reasonable coparent back into the court system who has only ever stuck to the stipulated order and this will reflect badly on him. He will be advised this by any solicitor.
  • It is really important you always write facts, remain calm and civil and refuse to engage with rudeness or pettiness. If you need to use the written communication as evidence, you will want to look as calm and reasonable as possible.

I have been threatened with going back to court many times when he's trying to scrape some control back. As I have always just said 'I will be sticking to the order' he has never actually gone through with the threat. Abusers thrive on upset and disruption to gain control. If you are consistently stable, unemotional, unaffected by his behaviour and civil, there is nothing he can do. Written communication is great because it may make him think twice about what he says and, if it doesn't, you have written evidence.

I know it's hard, believe me I do, but my life has improved hugely by ensuring I give him as little as possible in return whether he is being 'super nice' or aggressive and mean. Things have calmed down because he's having to accept he can't control me. He hates it, but there's nothing he can do. Be strong, if you want any more advice on anything specific let me knowSmile

Original poster
AliBee1 · 17/09/2019 15:42

Wow- thank you! Think I got comfortable in the situation so he’s decided to change tactics.

Def going to use your ideas. Time to get my resilience back!

OP posts:
saveallyourkisses · 17/09/2019 21:38

You are very welcome. I know that this situation is really difficult but IME the best thing you can do for yourself and DC is to be the stable, loving parent and to remind yourself whenever things feel very fraught that anything he does is an attempt at manipulation and control because that is all they want to gain.
Good luck

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