Illness

[Cindyloo20]

So, I’ve just found out my mother in law has cancer. My husband is currently away with work for 4 weeks and my sister in law has told me not to tell him until he’s back. I feel like he has the right to know and now I’m in an awkward position, what would you do?

That’s too big a secret to keep. She’s out of order to ask.

How did you find out?

My sister in law told me the other day after visiting mother in law. She was kind of dropping hints that she had to go to hospital for more tests so was kind of like she wanted me to know anyways, so wouldn’t she want her son to know?

Why would she tell you if she didn’t want you to tell him? That puts you in an awful position.

Ask your mother in law. It is her news to tell. I didn’t tell anyone apart from my husband initially as I wanted to understand the exact nature of the tumour, treatment plan and prognosis. The children were mid exams so I needed to avoid them being affected.

If your MIL wants to keep it to herself, that should be respected.

It also depends on what is meant by cancer as not a single disease. A small basal cell carcinoma or low Gleason prostate are poles apart from an aggressive pancreatic cancer or brain tumour.

Speak to your MIL, it's not your place to tell him. Is your husband able to come home if he needs to? Do you know what her prognosis is and when she'll be starting treatment?

I'd wait. If she wants to keep it a secret it's not for you to tell. Many forms of cancer are easily treatable - she may not be in any danger at all. I've been through a cancer experience and didn't tell my family at first. Let your MIL make the decision.

I don’t know what stage it’s at she is getting tests done next week. I am in such an awkward position, we are moving away after he gets back pretty quickly due to his job, so I feel like I should tell him so he has the chance to come home and see her? All I can think is what if things progress with the illness and something happens while he’s away and I knew about it and could of told him all this time? And he could of been able to come home? The guilt is eating away at me.

Talk your mother in law. Most cancers are not imminent death sentences these days. Ask her if you can share with him.
I wouldn’t expect my family to travel home because I was having tests.

If she is still at the stage of having tests, it's not a dire situation where everyone has to be told immediately. I'd slow down and call MIL to find out what's happening.

OP - speak to your mil to find out what she wants

And a warning - because you are moving away one of them may be trying to guilt trip you, possibly the sil.

I would leave it until you have more definitive answers. If it’s serious and about to die then yes, if it’s jyst a night have cancer and doing tests then no.

Sorry but just thinking about this - most people who actually have a true cancer diagnosis would say " Look I've got liver / lung/ brain cancer". To just "hint" that she is getting tests, probably means she hasn't got a diagnosis and may not have anything wrong. The fact that you are moving soon, may be making her pull out this story to keep you living nearby.

My DH's ex did this a few weeks ago - one of her sons is about to leave for an overseas job. Suddenly she decided to tell the boys "I've got bowel cancer !" . I did a bit of digging and it turned out that she'd had some slight bleeding , got some bowel tests and it turned out that she had a few non-dangerous polyps. Meantime she had the whole family in tears, worrying themselves sick, son deciding not to leave the country, etc.

Get the facts before you panic.