I just wanted to write this all down

[ijustwanto]

I'm 45, married with 3 kids, nice house, part time job, nice car, good friends & family.

I am lazy, demotivated, angry, sad and anxious.

I am on antidepressants for anxiety and have been for 8 years.

I have regular migraines.

My job stresses me out, but is very hard to leave as I would be really letting friends down - pays very little but we've come to rely on the money as the kids get older.

One of my kids has mental health issues which takes up a lot of my time and head space.

Husband is not happy with me, not enough intimacy, he tries but his lack of understanding has made a lot of the issues worse and I resent him for all the things he has done/not done.

I know what needs to happen to make changes, we need counselling.

I need to make changes in my job to make me less stressed.

I can't change my child's health issues but I'm trying my hardest to manage them. We have lots of support from Camhs and other agencies.

I have free time, I'm not burnt out from constant work and home stuff but I am inefficient and get stressed about all I have to do (and then just sit on my phone as an avoidance tactic).

We have money issues at the moment - nothing that can't be sorted and it's not really bad, just no cash to do anything other than live for the next few months.

My only interest is shopping for clothes and home stuff - so that's not even a distraction or 'cheer up' option.

I can't be bothered to get dressed and put on any of the lovely clothes I have in my wardrobe or clean and tidy my lovely house.

I hate myself and want to change - I am in therapy.

I don't know what I want from this post - maybe a kick up the arse or some small pieces of advice that I will actually listen to and not just say 'I can't be bothered'?

Currently hiding in my bathroom, waiting for migraine tablets to work and trying not to cry.

Nobody on the outside would have any idea this is going on - I have a smiley, happy, calm and humorous exterior.

Won’t want to read and run - how long have you been at therapy? Do you feel it’s helping at all?

When do you have time for yourself - and I mean just for you to do whatever you want?

What triggers migraines? Mine used to be almost daily when a teenager but now are rare and always stress triggered.

You can move jobs - maybe they are taking advantage a bit there? Maybe give yourself a career break - get yourself in order as it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I don't think you're lazy or demotivated. You sound stressed and overwhelmed. Sometimes the default reaction to so much stress is to not be able to focus enough to move forward with anything. You must be exhausted by trying to keep up a smiley front.

Looking at what you've written above, I would start with the job. If they really are friends, they will want to help you be less stressed. If they don't, we'll, you don't owe them anything and can leave.

Would your dh agree to counselling?

How old are the children? Could they help tidy the house?

Do you have friends or family that you can confide in about how you're feeling who might be able to offer some practical help? I know it's a well used line but it really is okay to not be okay and need to reach out for support.

Speaking as a lazy person - you aren’t lazy!

You sound overwhelmed & in need of a ((hug)).

My job stresses me out, but is very hard to leave as I would be really letting friends down

You should never feel guilt-tripped into staying in a job because you feel you'd be letting people down. Has anyone ever actually said this to you, or is it something you've decided for yourself?

Loyalty means nothing in today's workplace.

If your job is high stress for low pay, find something mindless instead. Don't think of it as letting anyone down, your saving yourself and that is far more important for your family.

Sorry to read that you are feeling so low. I’ve had low periods myself.

Can you tell us anymore about your work situation? It sounds like that might be at the root of you feeling so down.

Thank you for the replies.

Re work, it's hard to explain without outing, I could leave - but I don't want to do that, I create my own stress.

The job is stressful but it's stressful for us all and my bosses are very supportive and understanding of my personal needs - they give me time off, without any question when I need it for all the appts with my child, they would cut my hours if I needed it / it's just a very busy job with little money (think charity).

I don't know what I need, I suppose this mornings' upset is the migraine.

I know all of the steps I should take to make my life easier/better but I'm almost a self-sabotager and just talk myself out of it all.

My head is a mess and I want to close it down for a while.

I don't think I'm cut out for the life I have and yet, I'm not cut out for anything really - I love my kids with my every fibre and others would say I am a great mum. But I just feel like I'm scraping by.

I think you need to talk to your doctor as it sounds like your ADs are no longer working right for you.
A full blood test may also flag up anything from anaemia to thyroid issues or may reassure you there are no issues on that front. I would ask for a copy of results to make sure that you aren't close to deficiency as many people are helped with supplements when they are within parameters and a linked cause/effect of feeling as you are is disinterest in healthy nutrition for yourself.
You need some help to get started though as when you feel like this even making a doctor's appt. taking a supplement or making a list are insurmountable tasks.
One thing that has helped me at times - although not every time - is, every night before bed, making myself think of 3 things that made me smile. It might be a smile or a kind word from a colleague, seeing a butterfly, hearing your child laugh. It can be hard to think of 3 things to start with but if you can keep it up, you start looking each day for these things. It does help a bit as it makes you focus on little positive things each day.