Back to work and feeling guilty

[thatguiltyfeeling]

So my baby is two months old and when I return back to work will be five months old. I know a lot of people return earlier, and my partner will be caring for her so I feel better about that.
But I'm not going back because I have to, it's because I absolutely cannot stand being at home or at baby groups 24/7. I need to do more, I need a break from the young baby I have. What doesn't help my guilt I suppose is I work in a nursery so I'll be leaving her to look after other people's children and that just feels slightly wrong.
Did anyone else feel this way about needing to get back to work for a break and then feeling guilty for doing it? Did anybody go back to work, realise they'd made a mistake, and then go back to being a stay at home parent? My partner is so supportive and is happy for me to do whatever I want to, but I also know he's feeling the pressure of being the only one providing for us and he feels guilty for not being at home and missing things like her first smile.

I didn’t go back till 10/11 months but got to say I found the first 3/4 months the worst and enjoyed it much more after . If you don’t need to I would try not to make any decisions yet .

I agree with @wendz86 . You may well change your mind. Don't make any firm decisions yet. Would your dp be taking shared parental leave or quitting his job to be sahd? Don't feel guilty for how you feel.

I went back when both of my DC were around 7 months. Circumstances with both were different. With DS1 I was back full time and I hated it. Went on to have DS2 18 months later though. With DS2 I was in a new part time role so was able to be home most of the day with the DC. I had to do 6 weeks training full time which I enjoyed for the break but then was glad to be moving into part time.

To be fair, you're right in the thick of it now with a two month old. When my eldest was that age I really was in the depths of PND and really not in a good place. I was ready to leave my baby and just drive off into the sunset! By the time he was 5 months I was actually enjoying being a mum. So it was really hard leaving him. And it was just horrible at work as well which didn't help. I was much happier after having DS2.

I felt very similar to you.

I found maternity leave very difficult. Being at home by myself with a baby is not for me. I take my hat off to long-term SAHPs!

I went back when mine were 5.5 months both times. They went to an incredible childminder and we were all much happier!

But yes, though I was happy to be back to routine, the guilt was crushing. And it is logistically hard too. But infinitely better for all our wellbeing to be back to routine.

Now they're a little older, they're well-adjusted. Going to childminder & nursery and preschool doesn't appear to have affected them negatively at all.

The guilt comes from the social expectation of women to put their children above all else, and that mothers should want to spend every second with their offspring and pine for them when separated. This social expectation isn't necessarily based on any kind of biological reality. Men/fathers are not expected to experience this.

Give yourself a break.

Guilt is something you learn to live with as a mum, you will always feel a bit of guilt no matter what you do. There is so much pressure to get it right. Every choice you make can be filled with guilt if you allow it. You need to have a thick skin and, to some extent just ignore other people's comments about your life because they're not the one living it. However, I understand of course that you need to very carefully consider your options.

I've never worked in a nursery but I imagine it's very different from being at home alone looking after your own baby which can be so very isolating. Being in the nursery, with other adults for support, adults to talk to, a group of babies/children to interact with, is something that sounds better for your sanity, plus of course it brings in the money.

On the other hand if you don't need the money and would love to stay at home then do it.

I think my PND is definitely playing a part to it, I've always had mental health issues and it's definitely been magnified having a baby. My partner only has a seasonal job so as of December 1st he may not have any work until March. He's been applying but nothings come back so far. Sleep is slowly getting better so maybe if it's sorted by the end of the month (or near enough) I'll feel differently?

Are you getting help for your pnd? I think you're right, when the baby's sleep improves you will probably enjoy it more.

No treatment - gp says to talk to health visitor and health visitor says to keep an eye on it without offering anything else. I've been on citalopram before but stopped taking it when I got pregnant and it seems the gp has forgotten how bad I got to get onto medication 🤷‍♀️