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Original poster

Help - teens and sleepovers

22 replies

lullapalooza · 13/09/2019 15:28

Just after a sense check please - if your teen asks for a sleepover and you don't know the parents, how do you get comfortable with it? Do you insist on meeting/calling the parents or do you trust your child? DS is not always trustworthy!

OP posts:

maloofhoof · 13/09/2019 15:31

I always speak to the parents first.

Fairylea · 13/09/2019 15:34

I think you just have to let them go for it. At 13 plus if there’s a group of them you just have to hope for the best I think. It’s social suicide to ring parents first!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/09/2019 15:35

I always require the parents' phone number beforehand so we can touch base and I can find out what their plans are, .i.e is the sleepover actually arranged (or have the teens just chatted about it and don't have parental permission!); what time i should pick them up in the morning.

I also ask my DC about the household set-up (siblings, adults living there) and prefer to drop them off so I can meet the parents.

mcmen05 · 13/09/2019 15:36

Depends on age. I never let mine to 16 and she not actually that keen now that she is allow.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/09/2019 15:36

I don't care about "social suicide", if I can't speak with the parents, it ain't happening!

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/09/2019 15:39

I didn't speak with parents once Dd started secondary school

maloofhoof · 13/09/2019 15:41

Social suicide! Couldn't care less about social suicide. I care about my kids, and where they are and who they're with is more important than social suicide.

TrainspottingWelsh · 13/09/2019 15:50

Mine were trustworthy so I just wanted to know the address and a contact number incase of emergency. And they always took their own phones with a pre arranged phrase they could use if they wanted me to pick them up under false pretences without having to admit they’d asked me too.

Tbh that situation has only occurred since they got to the age it’s been an out of control party they’ve wanted to escape, and only once or twice.

Original poster

lullapalooza · 13/09/2019 15:53

It's hard. I don't want to embarrass him but neither do I want him rampaging around London at night. I always lied to my parents about where I was and what I was doing, hence the caution!

OP posts:

maloofhoof · 13/09/2019 15:56

OP I always lied too. I know most of the parents, it only takes a quick text. If it's a parent I don't know, just a quick call.

Fairylea · 13/09/2019 15:57

I guess it depends on your child and the situation. If you feel you can’t trust him then that’s different isn’t it. My dd has never given me a reason not to trust her and generally hangs out with nice / responsible teens etc, hence my social suicide comment that is now being laughed at...! I think you have to strike a balance between allowing them freedom and ensuring their safety.

stucknoue · 13/09/2019 16:09

At some point you do have to trust them. I didn't call after 14 or so

southofmanc · 13/09/2019 16:12

I always text / speak to the parents. There's a contact sheet with phone numbers on the year group fb page or I can usually get a number from friends of friends...

DD is 13 nearly 14.

I've only once refused to let her go to a sleepover. After a year of hearing a wide eyed DD describing all the terrible things a certain girl got up to (vodka, vaping, shoplifting, getting suspended from school etc) she was then surprised when I said no to a sleepover. I did try to speak to the mum but she didn't call me back. I was glad I did - it was 6 girls- carnage, no parental supervision, they drank loads of monster energy drink and then didn't go to sleep until 5 am, half of them cried and someone posted an inappropriate photo of them all in underwear/ sleep shorts etc on Instagram!

maloofhoof · 13/09/2019 16:15

For me it's not just about trusting them. It's just knowing where they are and who with for their safety. Bad things do happen to trustworthy and sensible teens too.

Beamur · 13/09/2019 16:21

With older kids we insisted on an address and phone number for the place they were staying. Didn't ring ahead though.
Kids had phones and were pretty sensible.

namechangedforthis1980 · 13/09/2019 16:33

Are we talking young teen or older teen?

Original poster

lullapalooza · 13/09/2019 16:40

He's 15 but socially very naive and has form for getting into tricky situations. I'm torn - on the one hand I need to let him grow up and on the other I just feel the need to protect him. I think I will say he can go but I need to drop him off and collect.

OP posts:

spiderlight · 13/09/2019 16:45

I always make sure I have an address and phone number for the other parents and text them beforehand just to make sure it's OK by them, and drop him off so I can at least say hello to someone there and know where the house is.

Original poster

lullapalooza · 13/09/2019 17:01

Thanks all. I will heed your advice and let him go but make sure I know where he is and get the parents contact details (otherwise I won't sleep!).

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/09/2019 22:58

It's not really a trust issue for me either, more making sure that all the adults are on the same page. Neither of mine have done anything untrustworthy (yet) but I've had occasions when DD (14) and her friends talk about sleepovers at school but the host then forgets to ask her parents! I text and they're surprised to hear about the so-called plans!

The worst was a "birthday party" that one girl invited loads of people to...I mentioned it to her Mum (who I knew) and she had no idea that it was supposedly taking place that weekend. I don't know when she was planning to ask her parents!

Rachelover60 · 13/09/2019 23:07

This thread is funny, brings back memories. My son and his friends used to go around with a group of girls, 14/15. One of the girls' parents told me three of them decided to spend the night in a hotel in central London (they all lived on the edge of London); obviously they'd seen hotels like the Savoy and the Dorchester on TV so they looked in yellow pages and found one that could accommodate three of them in one room. It turned out to be a grotty place (what they could afford I suppose, very noisy, people coming and going all the time. They were terrified and phoned one of their dads to come and pick them up. They'd each told parents they were staying with one another.

I had loads of boys staying here overnight with my son, I'd get up in the morning and not know whose bodies I might walk on downstairs. Those were the days. They are all pushing 40 now, still good friends.

namechangedforthis1980 · 14/09/2019 09:39

I think it's very dependant on the teen. Are they sensible, if they were in a situation they weren't comfortable with would they know what to do. All that sort of thing.

I don't get overly involved with DS1, who's 15. I have contact numbers ( or Facebook) for most parents, but not all. He goes to a secondary school a long way from his primary so I've never really known the families as such. He "hangs out" with the same huge group, all taking it in turns to host the party/sleep over, so there's rarely ever any new people. DS is sensible, and his friends are all pretty much out of the same mould. None of his friends parents have ever contacted me when we've hosted a sleep over, so I'd feel odd contacting them. I know, having spoken to DS, that we all have very similar opinions - so there's always an adult somewhere in the house, we expect respect etc

We hosted the end of summer party. I went to pick DS2 up from his friends in the morning and came back to a clean up team with black bags, brooms and the hoover. Very impressed. They can come again!!

That's DS1 though, it might be a different story when DS2 gets to that age....

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