I'm so down - husband won't sleep with me.

[bogginmacaroni]

Hi I've not posted a thread before but been a lurker for a few months. I'm really down and sad as I feel my marriage is coming apart. Married for almost ten years. I have two DC one late teens, one early teens. (Late teens moved to be with gf back to where we lived before).DH enjoyed sex during relationship and first couple years of marriage Was a slow starter tbh and had erection issues but it became wonderful between us. Now we don't have sex ever. He has been over the years to docs for Viagra, therapy(he went once) testerone, but didn't go for ages as he didn't even try and I gave up. We have had sex once since living here for over a year. DD was away seeing my ex, her DF before schools went back and DH didn't even go near me once. He sleeps on the couch every night because he snores the house down. That is his move.
Anyway I grabbed him the other day When DD was at school, as both off on flexi to decorate house. I felt like I was molesting him but he couldn't get an erection anyway and came immediately. I was crying which usually happens when we get intimate and I'm unfulfilled. He said he would get help. Asked him today if he had been to doctor or phoned them and he hadn't. He then said maybe next week.
I don't think he knows how sad I am, not to mention frustrated,even though I've told him many times. Additionally, we moved 500miles away, a year or so and I have no friends. Tried the usual to no avail and not really got the opportunity in work. I just feel worthless and so sad. I also really miss my other DC who makes me laugh but I don't want to muck up my youngest dc life as she is very close to her dsd

"I love you but you are neglecting me. Not only sexually but emotionally. You don't even seem prepared to try and bridge this gap between us and that's what hurts the most. I'm not prepared to live my life out in a sex less marriage. Either we take genuine steps together to tackle this issue or I want to seperate"

You know denial of sex is considered unreasonable behaviour in divorce court? It's not a small thing and the fact he doesn't even want to address it doesn't bode well. What do you get out of this relationship? Companionship? Affection? Love? Because i have to say thaty I'm not hearing any of that so i must ask why you're staying

He honestly is a lovely man in other ways. He brings me a cuppa every morning before work, is great with my children, is funny and kind. I love him very much and I do think he loves me. I just don't think he fancies me or is that bothered about sex. He was very inexperienced before we got together. However, I feel that side of my life is over and I'm only in my early 40s.And I'm so lonely.

Does he have a porn addiction? I have heard of men who are unable to have sex with their wives because of this. I would check any phones or computers he uses just to make sure.

Second porn addiction, it's becoming a huge issue.

I was crying which usually happens when we get intimate and I'm unfulfilled

Nothing kills a man’s sex drive like a history of erection issues. Also I know it’s upsetting but this type of reaction from you when things go wrong is likely to make him not only feel even more inadequate than he already does but make him extremely reluctant to get into a situation where you can be intimate again.

Hi, OP.

I just wanted to offer a mumsnet hug to you. It sounds like you have had so much change in a short space of time. A year really is not that long.

Wanting some intimacy from you husband, who is not giving any out, is going to be upsetting. You have tried a lot of things from the sound of it, he's now just ignoring it.

Can I ask have you tried to move away from penetration, seen as this is the root of the problem for him from the sound of it. Maybe talk about other ways you two can still share intimacy. Him sleeping downstairs is not going to do any good, although I understand about the snoring.

Going right back to the basics, cuddling? Kissing? Feeling? Stroking eachother? Does he seem interested at all? Does he know what you like? Does he know how to use his hands? You two can even use toys. Sex is not so black and white, you know this but does he?

Does he think "oh because I can't keep my dick hard that's it, game over?"

You two really need to talk and try to move past this, if he is not going to try and get any help now for his erectile dysfunction, you need to talk about other ways. Keeping the intimacy alive is so important, for both of you.

However if he really is just not into you at all, don't waste time with him. You two can stay friends but divorce. Your sex life is not dead just because you are in your 40s, bin him off if there is nothing there. He loves you but is he in love with you? Does he want to make you happy or just make you tea an toast in the morning?

Thanks everyone. DrinkTaboo ; I don't know if he actually finds me attractive at all. I think he doesn't have any sex drive and this suited him for years and years before me. I think he would die of shame if I produced sex toys now. He uses every excuse in the book - sore back, dd might wake up, tired and I think if I left him alone, he wouldn't bother at all with it. Now to think what to do. I really don't want to upset my kids. And I would miss him but it hurts not being desired too.