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I need consoling words for heartbroken teen. If they exist!

4 replies

SunnivaGunne · 10/09/2019 21:57

My DD is 17 and at a mixed school. She is a middle of the road teen: a hard worker but not top of the class, member of clubs outside school, has friends but not in the popular crowd. She's a die hard people pleaser though and hates falling out with people. Unfortunate when you're a teenaged girl it would seem.

She has struggled with the social side of school but seemed okay at the start of this year, then today it transpired that a supposed friend has been spreading nasty rumours about her. She called the friend out and the friend shrugged and said well, so what. I don't like you.

DD is crushed and has been crying all evening. She has counselling for depression and does tend to take things very hard but I'm at a loss of what to do or say here. She's anticipating being shunned by this group now as other members had backed up the lies knowing what they were. What can I say?

OP posts:
milliefiori · 10/09/2019 22:27

How horrible. I'd start by acknowledging that it is healthy and normal to be very upset by this sort of malicious behaviour, and that in her position you'd feel this bad, any one would. But once she's been made to feel like she has the right to be sad, gently ask her a few questions: does she think any half decent person would behave that way? Get her to focus on her revised opinion of that girl, not that girl's opinion of her. And the same goes for the entire group. What is her assessment of them now? How would she expect them to behave towards her before she'd consider rating any of them highly enough to be trusted as a friend?

Get her to draw up a list of criteria in her mind for what a good friend is and if any of those girls try to isolate her or bully her again, get her to give them a mental score from zero (or minus) to ten on how worthy they are of her attention and reaction, judging by their behaviour. Like a mental bingo card of 'How likeable are you, bitch girl?' It puts the power back with her.

She needs a strategy for when she sees them next. The best one is to treat them as though they are invisible. If they force a reaction, get her to think of the score card in her mind and just to say, 'For someone who doesn't like me you seem very keen on spending time in my face.' Or 'We don't like each other, remember? So why are you desperate for my attention right now?' Or, 'Why on earth do you think your opinion of me matters to me? I only value the opinion of friends I like and respect.'

She needs to really steel herself to show their opinion means nothing to her. Less than nothing. If their lies are really malicious, then you may need to involve a teacher. And if their bullying techniques escalate, she needs to keep track. Save any horrible texts or online evidence etc.

Ask her about some people at school who she either likes and gets on with, or doesn't really know that well, but who also seem quite quiet or on the fringes. Those people might welcome a new friend. Suggest she gets in touch with some of them. It would be great to be able to walk into school with them tomorrow, sit with them or have lunch with them. If you know any nice girls who would do that to give her some moral support, you could suggest it.

When DS was having a hard time with friendships I asked him about a boy he'd hung out with lower down the school but they'd been put in different sets for everything and stopped socialising. I suggested they got in touch. It turned out that boy had been really struggling with friendships. They met up a few times and now they are both part of a new and very nice friendships group.

SunnivaGunne · 10/09/2019 22:32

Thank you milliefiori, that's great solid advice.

OP posts:
MrsAmaretto · 10/09/2019 23:29

Wow, brilliant advice milliefiori I’ll be printing that out and keeping it for when my kids need it. Hope it helps Sunniva

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Sn0tnose · 10/09/2019 23:38

I think Millie’s advice is really good. I’d also talk to her about how few people stay in contact with school friends and it won’t be long before she’s off in the world making friends with people because she likes them and not just because they happen to be the same age and from the same school catchment area.

Maybe also point out that the rest of the group are so weak willed that they’re going along with the lies just so they don't get picked on. It’s a reflection on them, not your DD.

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