Is being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) a thing?

[AtmosClock]

I have come across a few friends (mainly on social media) who identify as Highly Sensitive. Of those friends, their children are naturally also HSPs, and I've seen a few articles about how they tend to be smarter, kinder, more aware of social injustice, etc. However, most of their experiences sound very normal to me (needing me time, feeling sad watching a film, etc).

My natural inclination is to think this is a bit of a fad to make some people feel a bit better about themselves, but I do have an open-mind.

Is being HSP a real thing, is it diagnosable professionally, and what is it like? Or is it a fad?

My therapist said that I was empathetic to the point of it being self harming. I suspect I could be a HSP, but to be clear it would be the result of deep trauma, not the desire to be a snowflake. There is also something called the "adult children of alcoholics" which I think has some crossover features, if I remember correctly. Anyway, yes I do think it's a thing, but not necessarily a good thing or something anyone would want.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll 😂😂

Great username too. Got an earworm now...

Is that the same as being an empath? The only person I knew who said she was an empath was highly sensitive all right - to herself and her own needs. Never met a more self-absorbed person.

Not saying that’s the case for all empaths, but...

And most people are sensitive to sad things and to others. But perhaps more quietly.

The news is often desperately sad. And that’s why programmes like the one with Pudsey - can’t remember its name -do so well - they play on people’s sympathy and make a fortune.

fucksandflowers I think I have found my twin! I was so fascinated as you said things I’ve ignored about myself for years and i am the same on every thing you said.

As a child I had trouble coping and great anxiety (elective mutism at school)

Having unpredictable parents can be part of it. The child is extremely alert (hypervigilant) to the parent's mood, to protect themselves. It's not easy to turn it off, so it's wearing.

If you haven't experienced it, you'll probably not 'get' it- and no, it's not usually the people who shout about it.

I think it's a thing. Well, I think I am one, and so is my dc. Would never, ever discuss that with anyone outside a counsellor's office however! It has affected my life quite negatively at times ....but over the years, with plenty therapy and plenty reading and researching, I have learnt how to manage it better.

I don't think it makes me better/more caring than anyone, and I'm definitely no snowflake! I also would never discuss it with people in my life, as I know I would sound mad.

I believe pickle me popcorn has identified a key part of it (and hence the crossover with ACOA symptoms).

pickle Although the parenting bit resonates, it’s had a different outcome for me. I generally am more likely to think people need to grow a backbone, and either get over their none issue or deal with it in a less emotive manner.

Unless of course it’s something I see as suffering, whether that be the situation or because at that time they appear to be the victim I was and thus need someone to defend them.

I was more likely to be telling the over sensitive kid at school to shut the fuck up blubbering, punch the kid bullying the vulnerable one, start a fight with someone teasing an animal and then cry on my pets when I got home because I met someone searching for a lost cat and I was worried about it and sad for the owners too

That's ok, Welsh. I've spent most of my life telling myself to grow a backbone and get over it. Sadly, it hasn't worked. I'm now quite ill with a stress related illness and it's shit, frankly.

I was a great foster carer- really good at the therapeutic side, could feel what was going on and intervene to sort it out, supported other carers going through difficulties. But I burnt out.

pickle I really do apologise, that really wasn’t intended to come across as aimed at you, but reading back I can see why you might have thought it was.

Quite apart from the fact I imagine even my brutal teenage self would have empathised with you as I always did with anyone with less than reliable parents, my thoughts on growing a backbone have always been about those whom are only highly sensitive when it comes to their own feelings and needs and demanding public sympathy/ pandering to. And that really isn’t how you’re coming across at all.

Again I’m sorry it probably came across as a barbed comment about you.

Surely I haven't been over sensitive again!?! Sorry Welsh, should have read your post more carefully!

I have a self absorbed mum who's convinced my fibromyalgia would get better if I just worked harder and got fitter, so I'd be able to help her more with her myriad problems! And a little bit of me agrees. She texted last night about a situation she is finding difficult, and I felt queasy just reading it because I can feel her rage.

Were your parents relentlessly difficult? I think that breeds a different kind of reaction in children- a toughness, perhaps to a damaging extent. The unpredictability leads to the vigilance, reading mum's mood, keeping her sweet, making sure nothing happened to set her off. Turned me into a room reading, people pleaser! People find me very restful to be around, because I diffuse their negative feelings without them noticing.

I think it’s just a label people put on being extremely introverted and extremely emotional. I do sympathise, being extremely introverted and needing space isn’t like a normal person needing space. When you don’t get that time alone you feel yourself going mad and it’s quite frankly excruciating. It can start to have an impact on your life (you start hiding from your children in the bathroom, you hide from you colleagues at lunch time so you don’t have to make small chat etc). If you can’t get that space after a while you start to feel really overwhelmed and panicky. Not fun. I would imagine that’s much worse for a really emotional person.

@picklemepopcorn I think that’s very true. I had a similar childhood and while the outcome was slightly different for me (have become emotionally very resilient) I do get the hyper vigilance aspect. I often find myself unconsciously ‘managing’ people instead of having honest interactions with them. I have to make a conscious effort to stop.

It seems to be yet another label that covers "people have different personalities". It's cool to have a label that means you can talk about how different you are.

Some people are more emotionally in tune but that's normal personality differences.

In my experience the people who self label with all this highly sensitive stuff seem to be good old fashioned drama llamas who want everyone to jump to their tune.

I went to a talk on this at a uni some years ago and concluded it was just another "I'm special and you mere mortals don't understand me" exercise in nonsense and aspiring to acquire a label/ taking normal experiences shared by a lot of people and making them "different"

I actually tick a lot of the listed boxes for HSP but then so do A LOT of people because these are shared human experiences/emotions as a poster above states, there's no way I'd run round telling people "well, it's because I'm highly sensitive you know"

I may as well say "it's because my feelings are more important than yours I'm THAT kind of twat"

I think it is a thing, but it is being turned into a fad by attention seekers who will use anything they can to justify themselves.

Just like OCD is a very real thing that affects people greatly, but those who are struggling with actual OCD aren't shouting about it and boasting about how clean their house is.

I am one. I tick all the boxes. But I have never discussed it with anyone, not even my DH, and I expend an enormous amount of energy trying to not let it affect me. Finding coping mechanisms on my own was hard, but knowing others felt the same, by reading articles etc, helped a lot.

It highly sensitive person is not a new thing - it was about when I was at uni in the mid 1990s! Quite a few of my friends shared these traits, as did I. All very intelligent, but not emotionally resilient unfortunately - as a result of being brought up by parents who were abusive/ narcissistic/ alcoholics...they had grown up in a state of constantly being on high alert to danger and it's hard to switch that off..

Webuilt

A friend of dds seems to have developed this (10). She sobs loudly if she might not like a meal I provide or if a ball is thrown near her. It’s getting abit wearing tbh.

I have a cousin who is highly sensitive. We were always told to be careful around her because she was offended easily....it was a nightmare.
She is now estranged from her immediate and wider family except for her mother who acomommodates her behaviour.

Nah, if I thought you were being over sensitive I’d would have said so and definitely wouldn’t have apologised . When I read my post back it’s easy to see why anyone might have thought it was directed at you.

Similar mother, self absorbed, and me,me,me & weak and abusive, father enabled it for an easy life. The vigilance, mood reading and general walking on eggshells resonates. But in a weird kind of way it was bad enough that I figured out early on that I would always be in the wrong so I could only minimise or avoid her, rather than change it. And again weird in that it was extreme enough the only way to survive was to stop letting the behaviour of others bother me.

In one way if eg you are constantly told you should have been aborted at an age you still know very little about what abortion is, a petty fall out with your school friends isn’t worth a second thought. Not pretence of being tough, but genuinely not giving a fuck.

I’m far less brutal now, but certainly when younger my attitude was that I could deal with far worse, so anyone struggling with a lesser problem was deserving of contempt, not support or sympathy.

Definitely the self proclaimed delicacy and emotional dependence of my mother makes me very unforgiving of anyone exhibiting those traits or seeking sympathy for issues I don’t see. Maturity hasn’t changed that, I’m just more aware of the fact it doesn’t need to compare to my experience/ definition of upsetting to be genuinely worthy of sympathy.

I’m not particularly restful to be around, but that’s also adhd. But most people say I’m calming to be around in stressful situations because I’m unflappable, practical and able to focus on what needs doing regardless of whatever chaos or emotions are going on.

Not a people pleaser at all. I’m considerate and polite, but if anything I’ve always found people seem to like or respect me because I’m not one for going with the flow or bowing to pressure. Especially if it means I also get them out of a situation where they don’t feel they can speak up. It’s not really a positive though because being liked or respected isn’t something that concerns me beyond practicality or close relationships.

Without wishing to sound hyper insensitive the people I noticed using such phrases were Mums talking about their DC. Sometimes it seemed to be an excuse not to be strict about bad behaviour or they allowed their kids to over dramatise issues without seeming to try to distract, calm or allay their fears.

Sometimes that might seem like you are minimising a child's worries - but acknowledging a child's upset and then chivvying them to cope or move on from something is an important part of parenting. I sometimes felt the Mums of their hyper-sensitive children didn't really attempt to do it. Maybe that's unfair. One of the these children so labelled has become a really crazily risk taking teenager - she just didn't seem to ever have face strong boundaries from her parents and cannot self regulate or look after herself.

Tell you what else we have in common, Welsh- we're both navel gazers to some extent!

I think there is. Sensitivity or empathy is on a spectrum. Not necessarily the same spectrum. Some people will have none, some people too much.

There is evidence I believe that people who are too empathetic read micro facial expressions too well. That's on a spectrum as well. Some people can't read other people, some can read all too well but the people who function best are those that can read most cues but don't notice the more subtle ones that should be ignored for the easiest social interactions.

Too much empathy is the inhibiting. Empaths often suffer from anxiety as they often keep their distress in, in order not to upset other people.

In evolutionary terms I think having highly empathetic or sensitive people around was a plus.

I think understanding you're quite high on the empathy spectrum is a very liberating thing- it explained a lot for me, I actively work on it. My son who also seems to be like me and gets exceptionally anxious, I am able to give him coping mechanisms to try and make his life easier. We wouldn''t go round telling people we were special. We're just need to find coping mechanisms.

I would agree that those publicly spouting being a HSP or being an empath tend to be exceptionally self regarding.

pickle yep!

Foslady

In my experience, people who are genuinely highly sensitive don't go around boasting about it - they do their utmost to disguise it.

This - exactly

Yes.