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Original poster

What to advise a friend *trigger warning*

26 replies

Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 15:25

NC as unsure if friend knows my username.

She's a friend and work colleague. We get on brilliantly and she has confided in me over a few things and I have to her.

She went out with some friends this weekend and was in a very quiet down mood today.

She then has told me that whilst she remembers drinking with her friends and getting home, she doesn't tenner a lot after it. And woke up next to a long term male friend who said she and he had intercourse.

I really don't know what to advise. She said if she had been sober it wouldn't have happened and he is upset she has said she regrets the whole weekend.

I've said to her to speak to someone professional as I don't know what to say.

She said her female friend has confirmed she (Y) left my friend (G) after calling a taxi because G said she was tired and wanted to go to bed. And that the male friend was there when Y left.

As G has said, male friend had no reason to go upstairs but is saying to friend that she instigated it.

I am well out of my depth here

OP posts:
Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 15:28

She says that she was in no fit state and can't understand why someone wouldn't see and know that.

And that he said she was "tipsy" hiccuping and unsteady

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2019 15:28

I think her talking to someone professional is the right thing to do. I’d just listen and generally offer support.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/09/2019 15:28

I think I'd just be there for her, listen but not say anything leading if that makes sense. Like you say it may be she is better off talking to someone professional and impartial

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2019 15:30

Make sure she knows you believe her though. She won’t expect you to have answers.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/09/2019 15:33

Your poor friend has been raped. That pos knew that she was drunk or worse and had sex with her while she couldn’t make an informed decision. I think your friend might benefit from speaking to the rape crisis centre or similar. I wouldn’t tell her she has been raped, but I would encourage her to understand that she is absolutely not at fault and that he is 100% to blame. She will come to the realisation that is was a rape in her own time. Unfortunately I doubt the police would be much help, as it’s very difficult to prove rape under these circumstances.

Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 15:35

I have asked her if she has the messages from him still. She hasn't. She deleted them.

I have urged her to talk to someone. She says it's no different than talking to me and telling me.

I don't know what more to do or say and risk it looking like I am shutting down.

Her friends have basically said to her " It happens. People get drunk and do things they regret. get over it."

I've told her that that opinion is wrong. She's entitled to go for a drink. Do what she likes. Enjoy herself. That doesn't mean things can happen that are just "get over it"

She said if she had slept with someone and regretted it, she would deal with it but that this is different. Because she cannot remember anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 15:37

She also is saying that the male is a long term friend she has known for years and isn't that kind of person and wouldn't do that.

I kindly disputed that and said anything is possible.

I feel like I'm useless because I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 09/09/2019 15:40

I think you need to be honest and tell her you are out of your depth with this.

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2019 15:41

She can’t remember what happened-I would be very wary of pushing on her that she has been raped. I’d suggest taking to rape crisis as experts who can help women in her situation, ie who are unsure of what happened during a sexual encounter, and let her reach her own conclusions. It sounds dodgy as anything, but I’m not sure it would be right for you to be the one defining what happened.

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/09/2019 15:44

How does she feel about it? I ask because people's reaction to this sort of thing can vary wildly.

Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 15:44

@PurpleDaisies Agreed. That's precisely why I have said to speak to someone about it because I don't know what's what and they can help her.

I don't want her to think I don't believe or support her. It just feels proper awkward now

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 09/09/2019 15:47

I think your suggestion to talk to a professional is a good one OP. It will help her work through what happened and how she feels

AmIThough · 09/09/2019 15:50

@MrGsFancyNewVagina if she instigated it, I can't imagine she asked him if he wanted to have sex. Why would he have asked her?

It's different if he was saying 'well you didn't say no.'

Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 15:57

I'm not posting this to have it decided if she was in the wrong or right or whatever. Just what to advise her.

Anyway... I'm glad to hear that my advise is the best course of action.

Thanks all

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 09/09/2019 15:58

This reply has been deleted

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Grammar · 09/09/2019 16:04

Her drink might have been spiked.

meow1989 · 09/09/2019 16:04

@gladallover I think that between getting a bit drunk and raping or robbing someone theres a very clear difference, your statement is victim blaming nonsense.

Op, you've done the right thing. If you can gently encourage her to speak to a professional or the police do so but she may not be ready and she may change her mind several times over the next few days or weeks. she needs support and a non judgemental ear. Is she going to get hold of the map and maybe an sti test?

Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 16:38

@GladAllOver Arent you a fucking ray of sunshine? So, she ought to have not gone pout i the first place either, unchaperoned, or without a chastity belt? Fuck off with your victim blaming bullshit. Your advice is not wanted here.

I have asked her about protection. She is unsure as she has no recollection until the next morning when she woke in her vest and underwear and he was nude next to her.

I have told her that I believe her. And that no matter what, I will be by her side in whatever she chooses.

I have again said she needs to seek out some professional advice as I am out of my depth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beefnoodlesaremyfave · 09/09/2019 16:39

@Grammar She said that whilst she had a few drinks, she suddenly doesnt remember anything after her friends left and that for her, alcohol does not usually have that blackout type effect on her. I suggested had her drink been spiked because she also said she has been feeling ill since yesterday morning whereas usually, after something to eat she said she would feel OK after drinking the night before.

OP posts:
MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/09/2019 16:46

I’m not going to flame you GladAllOver. I’m just going to report you for your disgusting victim blaming.

DejaVoodoo · 09/09/2019 17:06

Glad that terrible, misogynist victim blaming post was deleted. A woman should be able to drink whenever and whatever she likes without some pos man raping her.

OP, You should advise your friend to refer herself to her local SARC. They are wonderful, and can advise on all aspects of this - health, legal, emotional support etc. including whether or not to report.

AmIThough · 10/09/2019 08:14

OP did she get the MAP just in case?
Hope she's ok

GladAllOver · 10/09/2019 16:18

This reply has been deleted

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Barbarara · 10/09/2019 16:48

encourage her to take MAP, get checked for STDs and maybe a blood test to check if she was drugged. I don’t know if the last one is possible.

NearLifeExperience · 10/09/2019 20:39

I should give up if I were you, GladAllOver