My son has just started high school and was asked in an r.e. lesson what is most important to him. He’s just told me that he said “my dad’s side of the family”. I tried not to react but I think he could sense it anyway. His dad has been shit but my son seems to idolise him. I know to some extent it’s normal, but people have been telling me for years that he’ll eventually realise and he just... doesn’t. So much back story, but his dad is just so selfish, more like a flaky mate than a dad. Never been to a parents evening or taken him on holiday or any hospital appointments or anything of the sort. Never lived together. I even used to have to offer to have him at my house and cook his tea just to get him to see his son when he was little. He’s not particularly close to the rest of his family on his dads side. His grandad has basically stopped seeing him altogether now that he’s split up with his wife, I guess she was actually putting in the effort. He sees his nan a bit more but I’m the one who kept that going as his dad isn’t bothered. His dad has never been reliable, though is going through a phase of being better lately, which I’m hoping means he’s finally growing up. He buys him things and tells him how much they cost, which my son will repeat back to me because he’s impressed. I don’t tell him that I spend far more on him because I don’t think you should tell kids the monetary value of gifts. That’s not the important thing, and it’s not a competition. So his dad is a hero again cos I’m always the one doing the ‘right thing’ and I’m so fed up of it.
Me and my husband provide his daily life, as you would expect, since he lives with us and is my son! My extended family are extremely close to him and centre him in their lives. They book holidays around being able to take him on holiday or days out and we are very close. We lived with them for a while and they are amazing grandparents/auntie. They pay for him to do a hobby every week and drive him there and back. They would do absolutely anything for him and have been very involved in his life.
I am scared that I’ve messed it all up and by trying to protect him from his dads behaviour over the years, I’ve condoned and normalised it. Any time I try to explain that his dad’s behaviour isn’t ok, however gently I do it, he cries and feels sorry for him. His dad is very adept at painting himself as a victim and manipulating people. I’m very angry at some of the things he’s shared with my son to paint himself in this light. So now I’m worried that my son thinks it’s normal to be grateful for whatever crumbs someone throws your way and that is what to expect in a normal, loving relationship. He doesn’t seem to have yet understood that a persons actions are far more important than the things they say and I feel like he’s always going to be taken in by him.
He is quite an intense, emotional child and last week completely kicked off over a minor argument which started with him not eating his tea and me not allowing him anything else. It ended with him calling his dad and telling him that I am not allowing him to eat, and that I am often horrible to him and he always wants to call his dad but is too scared of me and my reaction! He seems to be morphing into a teenager already so I’m struggling with his behaviour at times and can see this being an ongoing problem. I am so annoyed that I was put in the position of having to explain myself to him. I raised him alone for years, his dad didn’t even start having him overnight or paying any money towards his upbringing until two years ago. He has consistently put his girlfriends and social life before his son. Having to explain myself to him is absolutely galling. His dad was fine about it and didn’t actually believe I was abusing him but I can still feel the indignation and humiliation at even being put in that position. He likes to act as though the past never happened or rewrite history to paint himself in a better light... while I’m thinking how the fuck do you even have the nerve to have this conversation with me knowing damn well that I have raised your son with almost nothing from you? And now you turn around and act as though everything’s great, we’re brilliant co-parents and doing a little laugh and reassuring me that you wouldn’t just call social services on me, you’d talk to me if you had an issue. How dare he?! Things are only fine between us because I learnt to expect absolutely nothing from him and put my efforts into shielding my son from the reality of the situation instead of trying to make him step up 
if I talked to him every time I had an issue I’d never bloody stop talking to him. I just can’t believe he even had the nerve to say that to me. He owes me thousands, just from the last two years. The only reason legal action hasn’t been taken against him by cms is because I haven’t given permission. I can’t bear for my son to see his dad as the victim yet again because horrible mom took all of his money, which is certainly how he would spin it. He’d make sure not to outright blame me, he’d be saying things like ‘oh it’s not your moms fault, I don’t want you blaming her’ whilst making damn sure he did blame me and knew how awful and mean I was and it’s not his fault he has no money and just can’t afford to pay... which would then put me in the position of having to explain to my son that he has tried to get out of paying for him for years whilst obviously spending on himself and going on holidays. And I don’t want my son to have to know that. Not sure he’d even believe me, tbh, I’m sure his dad would have an excuse at the ready and he’d believe him because he’s just a kid.
I feel like I have completely shot myself in the foot by trying to be the bigger person and not badmouth his dad. He’s getting older and he seems to be even more impressed by his dad, not at all seeing him for what he is. Honestly feel gutted by that comment, which I know is silly. Feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. No idea how I am supposed to deal with this stuff or what’s the right thing to do in all situations. Feels like I’m getting it all wrong!