If you lost a parent as a teen or earlier

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How did you cope? DH has been ill a long time and I think we are coming to the end of the road. My concerns are for my children. I have known it’s coming and am as prepared as I can be and I’m confident that in time I’ll be ok.

Getting the children through this as well as I can is my priority.

We are financially secure and will not have to move house or make any noticeable changes to our day to day lives so there will be no practical changes for them to deal with.

They are pretty stable kids with no SEN. My eldest is already having counselling, middle refuses although knows it’s there the money they ask for it and youngest doesn’t need yet but I will arrange when the time is right.

I’ve always been primary caregiver and main person in their lives as DH worked a lot. I work too but only in the office 3 days a week and plan to continue this.

What tips do you have for helping them to navigate the time after it happens? I’ll join WAY when the time comes but at the moment I’m in limbo trying to keep life as Normal as possible for the kids and trying to put as many practical things in place for when we need them

DH died (suddenly) when DCs were 8 and 3. I found the online advice from Winston's Wish very useful. Both DCs were offered various forms of counselling at different stages but have always refused. I have made sure we stay in close contact with DH's family and friends, and it has never been a taboo subject to talk about

DC1 is now a young adult (graduated, with steady girlfriend and about to start a proper job) and shows no obvious signs of having been impacted, but you never know. DC2 is 16 and has had problems with anxiety, but there are other factors involved, so I don't think that can necessarily be blamed on her father's death.

For both of them, routine and familiarity were important in the early days - they both wanted to go back to school/preschool straight away - and they still don't like being singled out for overt displays of sympathy. They don't want the fact that they have lost their father to be the defining fact about them or the first thing people find out about them (I feel the same way about having been widowed young).

A lot of DD's school friends did not know about her father for years, as she doesn't talk about it with most people, though she does say she finds she often gets on better with friends her own age who have had some major loss or other traumatic issue in their lives.

My sister also died more recently, and my DN (early teens) has also refused counselling - I think it is quite common at that age. They need to be left to deal with it when they feel ready.

I'm sorry you're having to make these plans.

Have you accessed your local hospice services? Choosing where to die can be a comforting part of the palliative care process, a relative had their children playing in the garden when they passed. They were unconscious and comfortable but we all liked to think he could hear them playing.

It wasn't something we ever thought we'd want, but we were led by the hospice and community nurses and it felt so right on the day, stopped the home being too hospital like. We had adults on hand to manage the children if it became inappropriate.

Obviously not for everyone, but it worked in our situation.

I was 6 when my father died. There was no counselling available for me then, and when I asked my mother about it a few years ago she said no-one thought children needed it at the time.

At the risk of sounding harsh:

I remember the day after he died being at a church service where it was announced. Both my mother and (much older) sister were crying, naturally enough. I decided someone had to stay strong and that would have to be me. From that day on I kept my emotions very firmly sealed up, to the point where my mother believes it's never affected me, and that I'm not upset about other things either. Watch the quiestest of your children - they may be doing what I did and bottling it all up. It does not mean they're not hurting.

Don't let your children get away with stuff, 'because they've lost their father'. That's what my mother did with my sister, and she's turned into a bully who my mother (and me) is scared of.

Don't rely on your children as a substitute spouse. They are children. They are their own people, and will grow up and leave you. Please let them.

This will seem unthinkable now, but don't discount the idea of having another relationship at some point, especially not 'for the children'. You have to have a life, just as they do.

All the best, OP. x

I am sorry that you and your family are facing this, you seem to have some excellent plans in place

My df died whenni was 17 and my sister was 14 in early 1990s. We were expected to just get on with it and carry on as normal but my siblings and mum couldn't. I ended up leaving home and not going back because the sadness was so impressive but we all get on reasonably now. My mum was bereft without my dad, they were best friends and I'm not sure she ever really recovered, he was young- 45 - and it was very sudden.

Wishing you all the best

I lost my mum very suddenly when I was eight.

I wish I had been allowed to release my feelings a bit more. A lot of “you’ve got to be brave” “don’t make your dad sad, he doesn’t want you to be sad” .....all meant with kindness I know, however at the age I was I took it quite literally and maybe bottled up when I wanted to release. I don’t know if that really counts as advice but it was something I experienced.

There was no build up, it was very unexpected. I went to counselling and other activities for bereaved children. For me, this was good. Just comparing stories with children at my own level and knowing I wasn’t alone? I don’t know the name of the charity or group but something similar will be worth looking for.

The full reality though didn’t really hit me until I got older. Mother’s Day was initially something where I joked that I got to keep the cookies made at Brownies to myself as I had no mum anymore. Then it became one of the hardest days I have to get through, and still is.

I went looking for a motherly figure, and to an extent I still do. The unconditional love, the maternal care.....my dad is amazing and I understand now what he pulled us all through. But my mum was a SAHM and definitely the maternal one and the physically affectionate and maternal one and when that went it was a slightly seated sharp blow.

My heart goes out to you and your children. Life is so unfair. I think one of the biggest things is allowing your children to talk, to release, to just chat about their dad. Let them cry, scream, do what they need to do when they want to do it. Don’t rush the feelings out, go with them. And likewise for you. Move through it at your own pace. Life is precious and I think the biggest thing I can take from my experiences is how life can be cut so horribly short and that you have to focus on what’s important.

So sorry to hear this.

My dad died when I was 13 and he was 43. It was the mid 90s. Sadly we did have to leave our home as it was tied to his job and it was a pretty awful time. There were no child bereavement charities (or at least none we knew about) and I did just have to get on with it. He died on a Tuesday and I went back to school the following Monday after the funeral.

It took 3 years before I kind of had a mini meltdown and got counselling. With hindsight it would have been better to have had that from the off.

I would just reassure your kids that you'll be there for them and that you'll survive. What you say about their dad depends on your beliefs. I believe in heaven and believe Dad is there watching over us.

It's good he's done videos for the kids. That is one thing I really wish my dad had been able to do for me.

Sending lots of hugs

Thanks for all your advice. I already have weekly counselling so am working through things. I don’t lean on the children at all. I acknowledge with them that it a rubbish situation but that we are all in it together. I never share my worries with them ever but am age appropriately honest with them if they ask anything which is actually rarely!

Honestly OP, you sound like you’re doing all the right things and the fact you’ve posted here shows you’re a really good and caring parent. I promise you’re doing all the right things which I know is tough at a time like this. Your kids don’t need you to be perfect and to keep it together all the time- it’s ok to cry sometimes in front of them. They just need to know that they’re loved and that you will all cope together

Firstly I am so sorry that you, your husband and your children are going through this .

My DM is 71. She is the youngest of three (her older sisters are 7 and 10 years older).
She lost both her parents as a teenager.
Her mother died suddenly at a council meeting one night of a brain hemorrhage when she was 14. Her father was in hospital and died (I believe of cancer) when she was 19.

I'll ask her about it later and post it up.

You don’t say specifically how old your children are but I think most children fail to see their parents as ‘whole’ people i.e. they’re just a parent not an individual with other facets to their personality. I lost my mum at 11 and haven’t the faintest idea who she was besides my mum. We didn’t speak about her after she died so I can’t ever imagine what she would have done in certain situations, whether she would have approved of my life choices or whether anything about me mirrors her own life. I would recommend asking friends and family to write about their relationship with your husband; anecdotes, sentiment etc so that when your children begin to be really curious about the man he was, they have a reference. I think I would have found something like this really helpful. I wish you and your children all the very best.

You sound like you are doing all you can for your children - what a wonderful mum you are. As PP have said, don't forget about taking care of yourself. School might be able to offer bereavement services too so that's another support for you all. Sending love

Thank you all for your responses. I can’t tell you how reassuring they are. I’ve been very careful not to stop anything we do or to use him being ill as an excuse for things.

On a personal level I am looking after myself, thank you for asking. I have counselling, I have a job I enjoy and I have some truly wonderful friends along with those who I haven’t heard a peep from. On a day to day basis I’m not scared, I’m independent and as DH has got more ill he has done less and less and now i am totally functioning as a lone parent.

I’m going to miss him dreadfully, we have had a happy and straightforward marriage. He’s my best friend in the world and I know I’m going to miss his company so much and I’m dreading the loneliness but I have my little dog who is such a comfort.

OP I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My dad died recently, it was a very sudden and unexpected death so we were all in shock.

My sisters who are late teens have really struggled. I’ve suggested some counselling for them. We talk about my dad a lot and we will make sure we celebrate the milestones (birthdays etc.). I think talking really helps.

You sound like you’re already doing such a great job, just be there for them.

I’m going to miss him dreadfully, we have had a happy and straightforward marriage. He’s my best friend in the world and I know I’m going to miss his company so much

This made me teary. I’m so so so sorry OP all the best

op I'm very sorry you and your dc are going through this. In many areas you can self refer to bereavement counselling. It sounds like you are doing all the right things x

fivegomadindorset you won't remember me but you were very kind and reassuring to me on a thread many years ago....I'm so very sorry for your loss x

Op I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'd try and do memory boxes, and if he's strong enough birthday cards for them when they are older, 10th, 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st birthdays. I know of somebody who did manage to do that for their children.

My niece and nephew lots their Dad quite suddenly. They both had councilling however my niece talks about him on a fairly regular basis, nephew very seldom mentions him.

At the time a couple of friends warned different things one was the 3 of you will become very close with different dynamics. Hard to describe but very true.
The other was never to say "your Dad would think / say / feel ......" especially in a negative way how does anybody know what Dad would have thought?

I wish you all the strength in the world. And hope your family are able to support you.

DF was a great dad, a lovely man who worked hard. Mum was a SAHM who did most of the parenting although dad did read a great bedtime story.

When I was 11, dad was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. He died a year later. Nobody ever spoke to me about the possibility of his death when he was ill. Nobody said anything much to me, and Google etc wasn't available. I had to guess. I would urge you to speak openly and answer any questions your children have.

Having said that, mum was great. She kept everything feeling normal. My friends and school were supportive and I was fine. I don't think I suffered particularly, I just got on with life.

Again thank you all. fivegomadindorset I’ve followed your story and I’m pleased you are doing as well as can be expected. Holiday sounds like a good idea. I’ve a couple of trip idea up my sleeve for the future. We already did our summer holiday without DH this year so have kind of crossed that boundary.

I cannot put into words how much your stories mean to me. I know we will have really tough times but knowing that people have got through it makes the biggest difference.

Self care should be a priority. My DM was so unhappy, it was horrific watching her. My biggest phobia now is my mother crying 😥. Looking after yourself isn't selfish, a happy mum makes happy kids. Look after yourself 💐

My mother died suddenly when I was in my late teens. Terrible shock but I got over it very quickly. I don’t really have much advice beyond not assuming that your children have any specific feelings and communicating to them that grief manifests in different ways and they shouldn’t be ashamed of they don’t feel how they think they should. That was the biggest issue for me. And try not to worry about them, children are quite resilient.