Talking about death to a preschooler.

[NannaNoodleman]

DS (3years) has recently started saying that he doesn't want me to get old and he doesn't want his grandparents to die.

There's been no bereavements so I don't know why he's suddenly thinking about this - I have photos of my grandparents & heirloom-type-things and whenever he's asked about them I've said "they died" and never made a big deal of it.

He said this morning "you won't be my mummy anymore, I don't want you to stop being my mummy". I said that I'd always be his mummy: that granny's mummy is still her mummy even though she's dead, granny is my mummy even though she's old and I'll always be his mummy and will always love him.

I told him that I wanted to get old because that means I get to see him grow up and get a job and his own house and family, and I can't wait to see what he's like when he's a grown up.

I said his grandparents liked being old because it means they got to see me grow up and meet him and his sister, and they're so happy they get to watch them grow up too.

Please tell me I haven't screwed him up! Any advice?

Does he like the Mog books? Theres one called Goodbye Mog that my kids LOVE. I think its quite a normal phase to go through.

Theres a podcast from NPR called parenting life hacks and one episode is all about how to talk about death. Might be worth a listen.

We got a lovely book called Lifetimes. It goes through plants and animals and then people and how each has a lifetime and when they get too old or too sick, they die. It is lovely and sensitive. We ended with talking about how we live on in the hearts and memories of the people who love us.

We've never read the Mog books... would it make sense as an individual book or does he need to know who Mog is? IYSWIM

Is Lifetimes ok for a 3 year old? He's got a good level of understanding but it looks a bit dark?!

There's a book I saw called the invisible string, any thoughts on that?

I don't think there's much you can do other than keep up with the positive "you will cope" messages. Death is only something you get used to, very hard to get to finding it 'ok'.

Messages that had some traction with DC
"I'm not dying any time soon and neither are you."

A bit older, "By the time I die you will be more used to it and it won't upset you as much."

I second the Mog books, they are excellent.

I have thyroid cancer, which is life limiting (both lungs/chest cavity etc) as opposed to terminal, but I have recently had another operation. I avoid the word cancer as much as possible because in passing the twins once said everyone with cancer dies.

Does DS go to nursery or preschool? It could be something he has across or heard there?

Death is a hard thing to navigate, but you'll be amazed at their level of understanding. I recently lost my godfather who was a huge part of my life, and the kids were aware of all of it and actually really supportive. (DD &DS almost 10 and DD 7)

Give him an extra hug from me tonight,

H x

Mine will shortly be 5 and started asking a lot of questions around that age. I told him that sometimes when people get really sick or really old their bodies don't work anymore and they have to go away somewhere and they can't come back. That this is sad, but we always remember them and keep them in our minds and hearts. (I'm an atheist, so I wasn't about to introduce the idea of heaven.) I've told him that I won't die for a long long long time, until he's old enough to have babies himself, and that although it's sad, it's how nature works and we make way for the new people and babies, just like winter turns into spring.

He seems to be processing it pretty well so far, but it takes a lifetime to process so don't stress.

I think I'd just tell him that people only usually die when they're very VERY old and tired, and you're going to be his mummy for a very very very long time, long after he's grown into a big man like daddy (or other grown up male he knows.).
Yes, I know there are no guarantees, but at this age, you just want to allay such worries.

My Gdcs (3 and 4) have recently started asking me and dh a lot of ?s on the lines of, 'Did your mummy/daddy die?'

I think it may have been first triggered by a dead bird in the garden - killed by their cat and carefully buried

I just say e.g., 'Yes, but he/she was very very old and tired' (certainly true of my DM and FiL, but not of my DF or MiL) and that seems to satisfy them. TBH I've thought of showing them a pic of my DM in her last months, to back up the 'very old and tired' bit, but given that she was 97 with late stage dementia, and frankly looking dreadful, I think it'd be too scary for them!

And recently they've been asking me who the people are in some old family photos, inc. a couple of B&W ones of my folks during WW2.

If they ever ask where they've gone now, although I'm not remotely religious, I'll say in heaven. It's what I was told and believed as a young child, and it never stopped me forming my own ideas when I was somewhat older. I have no problem with it, if it's a comfort to young children, to whom the idea of someone just being wiped out and gone for ever must be terribly worrying and upsetting.

I don't think for a moment that dd or SiL will object. Although neither is at all religious, Gdcs are both attending a C of E school/pre-school where I dare say such things will crop up now and then.

I just got the Lifetimes book... it's so sad, I feel emotional!

I'm not sure if it's a bit brutal.

"It may be sad, but that's how it is for people"