I don't know what to expect from this post or how this is going to help me but I'll give it a go, maybe someone has been in a similar predicament and can give a word of advice. I have been married for 14 years with a man who I loved very much but has deeply rooted issues that I can no longer handle. We have 2 DC and since after the birth of our first one 11 1/2 years ago he has started to have moments when he just would lash out verbally and rubbish our relationship, life, future...the lot. It had happened a few times before the DC were born (we dated for a few years) but they were not a regular occurrence. Two children later (aged 11 and 9) and this behaviour is something that I expect to happen at some point especially during stressful and busy times and it has deeply affected our marriage. He has let me down with his pent- up anger during very hard times in my life and I have grown a huge amount of resentment towards him. It's as if something switched in his brain and he turned into an unreasonable, cruel and abusive man. After a few used to be hours now days, he usually turns back again into the man I know and married. In the past this used to be followed by profuse apologies and promises but now we just move on and pretend it never happened which I believe is a bad sign. I spent so much energy and time trying to get to the bottom of this. I talked to him, I read self help books, I even got counselling but ultimately even the counsellor confirmed that it takes two to make things happen and he's the one who should seek help (btw he won't). On the outside he's a meek, patient man who sides a chatty, confident woman. In reality this chatty, confident woman is lonely and unloved despite all her efforts and doesn't tell anyone about the awful stuff she has to go through. I hide it to friends and family, I make excuses for his absence or silence, I won't of course tell the kids although they have witnessed first hand his outbursts in many cases caused by them. I feel like I live in a big lie which I am feeding and facilitating by not taking drastic action. But what should I do? Break my children's hearts? Live on the streets? Abandon my family? After a few days of him being an absent husband and father because of excessive work commitments (which he mostly brings upon himself and doesn't get paid for) I asked for a simple phone call if he can't be back for dinner and this triggered his rage. He has now moved to the spare room and said he'll move out as soon as he can. He doesn't care if I can't manage alone. His mother did and I should do the same, those were his words. He did not want to engage in any adult conversation and physically pushed me out of the room and shut the door. My poor 9 year old son later asked him why he was shouting at mummy to get out like that.
It's wrong and I know I don't deserve it. I also know it's not him being an arsehole but his total refusal to face his responsibilities as a husband and father put him in the wrong. This sounds very dramatic but sometimes I wish I could just disappear, go to sleep and never wake up ....but I have my kids to take care of and I have to be there for them. In the perfect world he would listen to my pleas and get some counselling but this will never happen and then what?