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Original poster

DD FREAKS if she's in the wrong. Something deeper going on?

18 replies

fiveleftfeet · 07/09/2019 23:05

DD's 6.5. If she's in the wrong she totally freaks out.

So for example, if she banged into me while playing around and I said "ow, that hurt!" she'd get very upset, very quickly. I've seen her doing properly hyperventilating, hysterical crying because she's done something she needs to apologise for. This isn't just if she needs to apologise to me, this is every time.

When it's to another child, I do make her apologise. She used to totally refuse, but now if I hold her hand, she'll say sorry if I go with her.

Otherwise, she's a friendly, big hearted child with lots of friends. She gets glowing school reports, which always mention how kind she is to others. She plays really nicely with other kids and is happy to approach other kids and asking if they want to play. She's a bit clingy to me, always has been since she was a baby, in a way her brother just wasn't. (He has high functioning ASD, not sure how much is the ASD or just different personalities).

But if something goes wrong, she FREAKS out! Accepting anything might be her fault - even an accident that she didn't mean at all, seems to be absolutely terrifying to her.

She's been like this as long as she's been able to express it and I hoped she'd grow out of it but she doesn't seem to be doing that.

We have both ASD and ADHD in the family, so I've wondered if there might be something deeper going on, but she doesn't seem to tick the boxes for either, as far as I can see.

Has anyone else known a child like this? How can I help her with this?

OP posts:

ToLiveInPeace · 07/09/2019 23:10

It may be worth reading about rejection sensitivity disorder, which can be a featured of ADHD. It can make it very difficult to cope with criticism and disappointment, to a sometimes extreme degree. The inattentive variation of ADHD is a can be harder to spot.

Original poster

fiveleftfeet · 07/09/2019 23:39

I've never heard of rejection sensitivity disorder. Thanks, I'll look it up.

OP posts:

Cockleshellsandsilverbells · 08/09/2019 09:30

Mine is the same!! She's 7 and if she does something wrong, always by accident, and say her little sister falls over, but is totally fine she will be wailing and screaming sorry and totally inconsolable! Her reaction is always a much bigger issue to what actually happens, she's a really good girl & doesn't really do anything naughty or that needs telling off for she's just so hyper sensitive - also struggling with what approach to take as she doesn't seem to be growing out of it either!

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lljkk · 08/09/2019 09:47

There is a phase they all go thru like this. I can't tell is she's extreme or not, but I would look for safe ways to 'fail' (really small stuff) to see if she could build up resilience to it.

So taking lots of small risks. Can you jump over that ditch. Let's have fun in this playground obstacle course (where someone else may be faster or fall off less often). Let's go swimming (others will be better swimmers). Little races, little games and challenges. Can you help me with cooking where I get to correct small things she did, pick blackberries, wash your hand -- oops you missed a bit, etc.

The highest confidence comes with knowing failure is not end of world.

BlackeyedGruesome · 08/09/2019 09:50

DD was like this a bit. ASD.

BigmouseLittlehouse · 08/09/2019 09:54

My DS is completely like this. He has just been diagnosed with ADHD

pottedshrimps · 08/09/2019 10:30

I'm autistic and I can't cope with doing something wrong and I get internally very upset and feel horrible. It can be anything, even really minor things. I can't even admit to myself that I've made a mistake. Ds2, who is also autistic, is the same, but more extreme than me and will get very upset and angry.

Original poster

fiveleftfeet · 08/09/2019 11:02

lljkk I haven't known any other DC to do this. DD has an older brother, and I used to nanny and be a TA, many years back. I've not come across another kids how freaks like this.

I like your approach of building up resilience - we've done similar with spiders (she's much less scared of them now), but it's not exactly failing she's scared of. She can quite happily brush off making a mistake and she's not bothered by others being better than her at things.

The issue is specifically about being in the wrong. A situation where she's upset or hurt someone else (even by total accident).

She'll also deny it's happened at all. In school, I strongly suspect she's made up lies about other children (e.g. they hit her, when they didn't) when she's been in trouble, to deflect from her being the one in the wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

fiveleftfeet · 08/09/2019 11:04

Her reaction is always a much bigger issue to what actually happens

Yes, this. Her reaction makes it all a much bigger deal than it would have been otherwise.

OP posts:

Gilead · 08/09/2019 11:08

I'm Autistic and was like this when younger. I still am but internalise it now.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/09/2019 11:12

Recent studies have recently shown that those on the autistic spectrum can over empathise.

But when you say you believe she's lied or denied she's done anything doesn't seem she upset because she's hurt or thinks shes hurt someone - but rather doesn't want to admit she may have made a mistake. (Also can be a symptom!)

My son (who has asd) seems to be unable to just tell what happened when he's unsure of consequences. Fear of unknown and not
Being able to read if someone's upset, cross or fine is a big red flag for asd.

Yet he'd never outright lie. It when he tries to second guess what and why you're asking him.

SunshineAngel · 08/09/2019 11:19

I was like that, but that was because my mum had terrible mood swings and I never knew exactly how she would react, so I was automatically terrified in case of the worst case scenario.

It doesn't sound like you're like that at all, but is there any chance that another family member is, or maybe a teacher?

lljkk · 08/09/2019 16:55

Have you gently told her that her reaction makes an annoying event much worse than it needs to be?
We all get disappointments in life. Problems have solutions, though, so put energy into making solutions not getting unhappy that it went wrong.

This message might have to go on broken record mode.

Point out to her that other people make mistakes all the time & just shrug, fix it, and move on. Or even laugh together about their mistakes. That it's okay to make errors.

Didyoujustbreak · 08/09/2019 18:19

Oh poor baby!!

My friends son is like this. He gets hysterical if he thinks he's going to get into trouble.
He ran off recently (genuinely thinking he was allowed to go, his friend was going in the same direction) and when his mum panicked and shouted for him to come back, it took 20 minutes to console him him afterwards because he had done something wrong.

With my son (exactly the same age - 7, and second born) is the exact opposite.
I ask him to stop doing something and he will deliberately do it again. Louder or harder.

Original poster

fiveleftfeet · 08/09/2019 18:46

my mum had terrible mood swings and I never knew exactly how she would react, so I was automatically terrified in case of the worst case scenario

DP does shout, and I disagree with him about this. It's a bone of contention between us tbh. It's not good for anyone and besides anything else, it's just not effective.

He's generally kind hearted and doesn't make her feel bad for doing things wrong though. He wouldn't shout, for example, if she did something naughty or bashed into him. He shouts out of frustration when the kids repeatedly don't listen to him.

I'm not sure how to articulate it, but I don't think it's related directly as she just blocks him out when he shouts, she doesn't seem to be scared of it. Or, plays up to it eg when it's bedtime and she'd rather he be shouting than she actually have to go to bed.

But perhaps that's my adult logic, perhaps in her child world she is scared of it even though she doesn't show it. Hmm.

OP posts:

Madfrogs · 08/09/2019 18:51

My youngest a toddler completely loses it if I say ow/ouch you’ve hurt me. Full on crying sobbing reaction about it. Sometimes if she get confused or angry she actually slaps herself on the forehead. I have no advice just following. My others where never like this.

PotteringAlong · 08/09/2019 18:54

Is she not just looking for attention? Someone’s hurt, they get attention so she actually just wants to make it all about her? What happens if you ignore it?

Asta19 · 08/09/2019 18:59

My DD was exactly like this. I can’t remember one time I’ve ever shouted at her or even spoken to her harshly (precisely because she was so sensitive). But she felt wretched if she’d done something “wrong”. She used to write me sorry notes! There were also a few other issues and when she was around 8 we saw a child psychologist who said she was “too good” and I needed to encourage her to be more naughty! It wasn’t hugely helpful! I suppose what they were trying to get at was for her to see that she could behave “normally” and the world wouldn’t cave in. But they didn’t really offer any practical suggestions.

My DS also has ASD and it is woefully under diagnosed in girls. We never did get my DD diagnosed but I would stake money on it that she has it.

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