How you parent your teenagers v. How you planned on parenting your teenagers?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Its a fact that the best parents are the one who haven't had children yet . Best laid plans and all that. And there's loads about babies and what I planned v. What I actually do.

Dc1 is racing towards teenager-dom and I am bloody terrified. I have all these thoughts on how I will handle it and know it will all go to shit when it actually happens.

So....

Tell me!! Prepare me.

Interested bump. I have a 13 year old DS and am constantly fire fighting. Apparently treating them like toddlers is supposed to help....

My five are all grown up now and I think I may have expunged the worst of the memories from my brain, but I do remember that keeping calm was essential. Also treating them a little bit like grown ups who just happen to have had a bit of a 'moment'.

Although most of it was like trying to muster cats on meth.

Pick your fights. Don’t have a million rules.
Be specific if there’s a problem rather than ranting.
Give them a cooling off/down period before trying to talk about stuff.
Be fair, if you want them to be polite, respectful etc, then you model it.
Know that sometimes, you need to apologise. That sometimes you can’t fix what’s wrong.
Tell them you love them every day, backed up by a hug if possible.
Mine are way past teens now, but it really wasn’t a bad time.

Buy lots of mugs and plates. They will all disappear for weeks only to magically reappear in the kitchen 5 minutes before guests turn up and you thought the house looked quite nice.

Mine are both at the end of the teens now and it really hasn't been bad at all. My tips would be:

Listen to them - really, really listen and try not to judge quickly.

If you're not sure whether or not you want them to do something / go somewhere / see someone etc - don't let them rush you into a decision. Think about it and then stick with whatever you decide.

Be prepared to compromise and meet in the middle, which is where taking your time to decide really helps.

Try not to be hurt when they don't do all the things that younger kids do. I remember dying a bit inside when DD asked me not to wave at her anymore when I dropped her off at school because it was apparently embarrassing!

Remember everything is embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally breathing in and out, existing and so on. DD was worse for this than DS, so maybe it is a girl thing - I'm not sure. Fortunately, she's grown out of it now.

Let them be the expert sometimes even if they are clearly not!

Remember everything is embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS!

I am the MOST embarrassing mum as I am friendly and talk to their friends about their families, weather, cats the moon etc. The older one is 16 now and is starting to appreciate it and brings lots of people home. The 13 year would rather die!

Love them both so much so sometimes rejection hurts but they have to gain independence. Trying to stay calm but approachable!

I loved the teenage years, mine are early 20's now. My tips would be get to know their friends. Make your house the go to house, keep snacks, pizza, cereal in at all times so there is always something to eat.

Give them freedom to explore the world and get to know themselves but make sure they know they can call you at any time. My DD rang us a few times in the middle of the night to come and get her she knew we would be there like a shot.
Never assume they wont want family time, my 3 all still loved going out with DH and I and we still all go on holiday together.

Teens are brilliant.

T

Mine are 20 and 13.

I parented them exactly the way I intended to.

I can't look back at a single thing and think, "I cannot believe I thought I would ever X, Y, Z..!" I might not have had the specifics down but I had the approach.

Oh and I would agree with all the advice you're being given here. There seems to be a common theme with those of us who didn't experience traumatic teen years with our children.

Of course, I might live to eat my words yet with my youngest but that's cool too

Mine are 23, 21 and 19 now and I honestly don't remember any really awful phases during their teens. I was lucky that none of them ever had a huge circle of friends that they just hung out with on street corners. They were always doing some sport or other. None of them have tried smoking or drugs but all tried alcohol with mixed results!

I do remember someone saying that coping with the teenage years is very similar to them being 2 and 3 again in that they are struggling to communicate as their brains haven't grown up yet.

I advise lots of hugs and cuddles, even the boys who will NOT want hugging - just keep at it! They may pretend to hate it but they love it really .

Talk to them like adults but explain why when you set rules in place - eg let me know roughly where you are going when you are out so I know where to start looking if you aren't home when you said you would be.

Understand that you can't protect them from the shit life throws at them and that they need to learn how to handle this shit in their own way. Be there to listen, not judge, to listen and not offer suggestions (which will NEVER be the right ones coz you is old!) to just hold them whilst they cry, and let them know it is OK to cry, especially the boys.

Don't be afraid to let them see you break too - they need to understand and learn that mums are human too (and dads!) and can hurt. They will lash out at you as they know you will always love them but they will need to push this boundary just to check it out. I remember using the phrase "I love you very much but don't really like you right now because you are behaving in a very horrible way towards the rest of the household" to mine - it seemed to help them associate the way they were behaving with how it affected me.

Remember being a teen yourself and arm yourself with bags of empathy. Music is a teen’s god. Let them worship it.
You don’t have to be involved in anything (you do, just don’t let them know)... you are unwanted but soooo needed and loved. You’re the last person they want to be seen with but they’d take a bullet for you without a second thought. They see your horrendous feet of clay and at 13 they hate you for it. At 17 they love you for it. I have loved raising a teen more than any other time in my journey as a parent. We’ve had the door-slamming I-HATE-YOUS. And still, I’ve loved it (apart from between ages 12-14... that’s trench warfare that is).
Have you ever watched Seinfeld? Look up Seinfeld Serenity Now on YouTube. You’re gonna need it!

I've parented exactly as I thought I would. It was the preceding years that didn't go quite as planned (I've since discovered that I'm not a natural parent to young children)

DH OTOH finds the teenage years far more of a trial and finds DS to be irritating on occasions (he may have a point!) We should actually have co-parented, him for the first few years and then passed the child on to me when he reached around 9 or 10

I should make it clear though, DS is a delightfully calm, independent, motivated and levelheaded child, quite how I came to produce such a child is clear proof that miracles can and do happen

Some really good advice on this thread. I've done exactly as I planned to with my dd who's 15, I saw my sister bring my niece up and she was chilled and relaxed and just always there for her and my niece is amazing so I have done the same thing with my dd and it seems to work, we definitely don't have much of the teenage drama and have a really good close relationship, I'm a single parent so sometimes it's like living with a housemate, we get on so well.

That's not to say there's not the odd moment of teenage hormone tension but I just try to stay calm (or in another room) and it's soon over with apologies all round.

I love having a teenager, much more interesting than younger children

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201212/parental-resentment-toward-self-centered-adolescent%3famp

I came across this article about a year ago and it helped me hugely

This resonates...

I was going to be a cool mum to my teenager and give her freedom and love her no matter what and I do all of that (but I'm not cool obviously) but also I was expecting some bumps in the road.

What I was not expecting was for my daughter to become a completely different person almost overnight and two years on it still shocks me and kind of horrifies me. I expected things to be different for my daughter because she is far more clever, confident, talented and successful at whatever she turned her hand to than I ever was but all of that disappeared too. She suffers from depression and hates her lovely self. She is having counselling and we do treat her with respect as she is basically a grounded kid but she is not the person I knew for 15 years before this change happened.

I hate hormones or whatever has caused this lack of confidence and happiness in my wonderful girl.

Same @SunnivaGunne

I've read the replies and advice and you know what, I think I do most of it.

DD has issues that are beyond anything I could have planned or prepared for though. She's a good kid too, academically OK, funny, gorgeous I'm obvs biased but school really isn't doing her any favours socially and I can't wait for her to be away from that micro-society of awfulness. Hopefully she can then find herself and be happier.

MargoLoveButter has it spot on. I absolutely loved teenage years But you HAVE to listen to them. ! .. and pick your battles.