Deliberately using a wrong “married” surname - why do you do it?

[mumdom]

Perhaps this ought to be in AIBU but I’m not interested in the usual MN bunfights, I actually want to understand the thought process involved.

I gave a lunch party for a family member’s birthday. The thank you letters have rolled in - not expected as family guests only, but obviously I was delighted to receive them. As usual, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law have used the married surname I have never used on the envelopes. I’ve been married since 2005, so it’s not news. I’ve told them, politely and on numerous occasions, that I didn’t change my surname on marriage. They still insist on using it.

The usual MN explanation about this behaviour tends to be of the insecure cunt/ generational misunderstanding/ jealousy about professional qualifications or career kind. I’m as certain as I can be that these don’t apply to my MIL or SIL so I’m asking now: if you deliberately change the surname of a married woman, why do you do it? Is it an etiquette thing, or a contempt thing? What are your thought processes? Because choosing to use a different surname to the one a person has been known by for nigh on five decades clearly requires some thought, no?

Some people think that keeping your name on marriage is legitimately wrong & that a legal name change happens automatically when signing the register. Although I imagine for your MIL & SIL this might have been raised before on previous occasions. In this situation it sounds like a jibe. Have they made any comments in the past when you’ve called them on it?

Either phone them or ask them face-to-face why they do it.

I suppose in one way they may think that they are being nice in acknowledging that you are considered family and 'share the family surname' so I don't think it is a contempt thing and is probably etiquette, but on the other hand - they shouldn't just ride roughshod over your wishes.

I don't do it myself (not on purpose anyway, but may have slipped up once or twice by accident).

But I suspect it's a combination of laziness and general lack of respect. If a couple have different surnames it takes slightly more effort to write "Mr John Robinson & Mrs Jane Morrison" than "Mr & Mrs Robinson," for example. I can see how, even if they know about the different surnames, a lazy envelope-writer might just tell him/herself "Oh Jane won't mind..."

And in the case of in-laws, maybe there's an element of resentment over a perceived rejection of their family name...?

I don’t think it’s a jibe, no. I get on very well with both of them. I’ve explained to them it’s a family thing - my sister and I are the last of our line - but still they insist on doing it.

I’d like to try and see the situation from their point of view before I get a bit more blunt with them. It never fails to annoy me - friends and colleagues find it easy to call you by the name you’ve opted to be called by, so why can’t your family?

Well you could be petty & start using a different surname when you write to them, or just rise above it. In the grand scheme of things how much does it really matter? If your friends, colleagues, husband and presumably your only family use your correct surname then just accept that they are being old fashioned and sexist, the more you mention it the more they will probably carry on doing it.

I had the same in my first marriage, my MIL at the time always addressed me by my husband's surname, I ignored it.

I think sometimes people don’t think,
I never changed my name at work when I got married, but happened to work in the same building as my husband. A new member of staff in designed us email signature logos and put me as Fuzzy husbandsname and put that as my email. I was confused why she did it and asked to change it (the email address she put didn’t even exist) it was a genuine mistake she just assumed as we were married. All paper work she was given to get the information from was correct

I'd be returning the letter with 'not known at this address' in big letters by now.

Laziness, assumption,??

Maybe they see it as a corporate rebranding - welcome to your new name and logo!

I was given a tartan sash when I got married - it totally felt like a corporate rebranding exercise - it's never been used. I've never seen anybody wear one ever.

Could it be that they think of you as their family and so automatically give you their surname without thinking about it?

My step sisters and in laws do this, so at Christmas I get cards with three different surnames on.

People do it to me and I give no fucks

They even spell my supposed married name incorrectly

The fact that I still get any kind of card in the post is still lovely as the words in the card are addressed to me and/or my husband

Oh and all my lot and my husband's are dead, so its just friends that do it

Some people seem to persist in the belief that even if you don't call yourself by your husband's surname it is still your official name once you are married. Then there is the "too long" thing on envelopes - my DM tried to get round this by addressing us as MyFirstname and Hisfirstname Hissurname (no titles) which isn't technically incorrect but I said why does he get his surname on the envelope and i don't to put a stop to that. She just puts our first names now. It is irritating.

After I was married my DM changed her will to specify me (with my husbands surname) was her executor and beneficiary.i asked her to tell her solicitor I had not changed my surname and she said he told her it was not needed. So when she dies I will have the additional stress of dealing with the fact non of my ID will match the name she has shown for me.

I think the reason they do it is because they think otherwise your husband (their son / brother) will feel emasculated.

I didn't change my surname when I got married but when I am sending cards to friends and can't remember if they changed theirs on marriage or not, I default to the partner's surname because a tiny little bit of me thinks "he might be offended otherwise".

I know you've told them that you haven't changed your name but have you asked them why they do it?

My mil addresses me by my name after the first time she sent me a card using my dh's name. She's not stupid.

I do get Mrs a lot at work despite being Ms. Some people can't get their head around not calling me Mrs when they know I'm married. I see it as stupidity rather than slights.

I've no idea why they do it, OP. I wish I knew - it's really annoying.

I've been happily not married to DP for over thirty years, and some members of his family INSIST on believing that we're married, and write to us as "Mr and Mrs His Name".

My MIL and SIL do this. They’re really offended that I didn’t take DH’s surname. I tried to brush it off by saying it just didn’t really suit me, and SIL said angrily “What’s wrong with being called DHSurname? I was called DHSurname for 25 years!” I also think they’re offended because they both took their DH surnames and I didn’t, so they feel it reflects on their choices. They both address things to Mrs DHSurname and I just ignore it.

My own DM does it too, but in her case she thinks I’m wrong not to have taken DH’s surname and insists that’s my name whether I like it or not. I’ve told her that’s not how it works - I can call myself whatever I want.

My Grandma does this quite hilariously- she addresses post to me only correctly, but when it's going to both DH and me she puts Mr & Mrs [husband name]. I think it's just so ingrained to address letters that way she can't see another option.

My MIL did this the first couple of times we got mail from her after we got married. She's stopped now because DH had a go at her, and then I got drunk and told her quite bluntly I hadn't taken DH's surname (she already knew this) and didn't like it.

She did it because she and FIL are conservative voting Daily Mail readers who think I'm too liberal and strident (I'm both those thing but I don't think the 'too' is necessary!), and I've corrupted their son - tbf he has become much more politically educated and left-leaning since we met but that's only partly down to my influence!

@CherrySocks I think PIL feel emasculated on DH's behalf; DH couldn't give a shiny shit what surname I use!

My MIL does this. I would hope that she just forgets I haven’t changed my name. However, I suspect it’s actually because she doesn’t know what my surname is and has never cared enough to ask. I know she has no idea when my birthday is and couldn’t tell you much about me or my family. She is not a fan!

Why do you have the energy to care? If it's not a jibe and you get on well with them why not just let it slide?

I honestly cannot imagine having enough spare energy to care about something as small as someone using my married surname.

I honestly cannot imagine having enough spare energy to care about something as small as someone using my married surname

I think the point the OP is making is that it’s not, and never has been, her married surname.

My SIL kept her own surname, but i wasn,t aware of this for years. It didn't come up until she had children. The first one has double barrelled surname and the second just has her surname. It gets really confusing when send birthday cards. She's always been fine if we get it wrong and make a mistake.

I default to the partner's surname because a tiny little bit of me thinks "he might be offended otherwise".

Why is it that you think it's better to risk offending the woman than risk offending the man? That's the patriarchy & male privilege right there.