I feel like a failure all the time

[PurpleHibiscus3]

I am in my late twenties, married with a toddler and I feel like such a failure.

I have a humanities degree and it's not from a Redbrick. I work with lots of Oxbridge and privately educated graduates, most of whom have masters. I will never be able to afford a masters. I'm so jealous of these well spoken and confident women I work with. I feel like shit on their shoes.

We also live in a town that's regularly derided as it was all we could afford. We have a small house and it's hideous.

I have quite bad social anxiety and struggle to have conversations. We have a weekly team meeting and I've made a fool of myself, yet again. I get so panicked that I can't form sentences. I am better one on one but not with everyone.

I just feel so shit. I'm a poor example for my daughter and would be devastated if she ended up like me. I earn very little and am routinely spoken down to at work. I make awkward and unfunny jokes as I'm just so uncomfortable all the time. I spent the best part of a decade learning to drive, passed and then was too scared to drive. I feel like I'm always scared and unhappy.

What do I do?

Have you thought about asking your doctor for a referral for cbt? It might help with some methods for your anxiety?

I've has CBT in the past and it hasn't worked. I'm a bit worried that this can't be fixed.

You are not shit. You need to sort your self esteem and self confidence. It’s those things which are holding you back - not your perceived lesser status compared with those around you.

I live in an ex-council flat in a part of London which is only just becoming known as anything other than a dump. I went to a red brick university but dropped out before completing my final exams and never went back to finish. I have an automatic only driving license because I couldn’t get to grips with a manual however hard I tried. I have a failed long term relationship behind me which in paper should have been incredibly happy.

I am as good as anyone I come into contact with, simple as. And you are, too.

There were times I felt like you in my late twenties. At 30, a friend recommended I visit a life coach. I initially derided it as nebulous navel-gazing, but agreed to give it a try. And it revolutionised my life. I learned how to turn my thought processes around and how to focus on what I wanted to improve about myself and how to improve it; recognising what I do well and where my motivations and values lie. And an awful lot of it wasn’t tangible stuff like getting “better” qualifications or a “better” job or a “nicer” house. Those are not the things you should judge yourself by.

People respond to you in the way which you subconsciously “tell” them to: if you scuttle about like a shy little mouse, always comparing yourself to others, bowing to their perceived superiority and thinking you’ll never have what they do - that’s what people will treat you like. Respect yourself (and others, of course) and you get that respect back tenfold. Start telling people you’re great and they’ll believe it. I’ve never had anyone come to my little flat and say anything other than how cool it is and how “me” I’ve made it. People congratulate me on having built the successful career I have without, officially, a degree - and I’ve been asked to go to secondary schools to talk to young people about my trajectory. I joke about my two left feet and hands in the driving seat and people laugh affectionately along with me.

You are and can be every bit as good as the women you see around you. You just need to teach yourself how to show it to the world.