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Original poster

Getting so fed up being criticised on my parenting

20 replies

Firsttimemummy19 · 03/09/2019 14:07

It's mainly my family and I feel mainly because they want to babysit but they keep making a big deal about the fact I've not left my 7 month old with anyone yet.
I've tried to explain that A- I don't feel the need to leave him yet, B- I don't want to leave him yet and C- I'm still breastfeeding every 2 hours so can't leave him yet.

I'm sick of explaining this. Why should I have to, it's starting to get me down.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 03/09/2019 14:34

Welcome to motherhood.

From now on someone will have an opinion on feeding, sleeping, bedtime, playing, toys, screen use, manners, presents, clothes and any other thing you do.

Stay firm, trust your own instincts.

Firsttimemummy19 · 03/09/2019 14:43

Oh god! I never imagined having to explain myself to people, even my sleeping is now open debate for practical strangers. What the hell?!

Witsendagain · 03/09/2019 16:02

Join the club! What is it about babies (and bumps) that cause usually perfectly polite and respectful people to criticise and judge everything?
From the minute my pregnancy became obvious I've had all kinds of people dive head first into my business- and very rarely do they have anything nice to say.
I've noticed some distinct types:

  1. the I've had children so know best.
  2. the I've not had children but still know best.
  3. the smug 'you think this stage is bad wait until....'
  4. the scaremongeres.
  5. the 'my word is law' family members.

I've learnt that for most advice givers, the friends, colleagues, complete strangers it's best to smile and nod then carry on with your life regardless.
With the family members that are overstepping I pick my battles but have a few stock phrases in my arsenal:

  1. Thanks we will take that into consideration. (ignore and carry on).
  2. Current medical advice is...
  3. It is our choice to/not to parent in xxxxx way.
  4. We are the parents and we have decided to do xxxx so thank you for your input but it really isn't necessary.
  5. We know you mean well but we have chosen xxxx please don't keep bringing it up as we feel this is undermining us.
  6. I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude as to challenge our decisions as parents.
  7. Oh just take your judgy sticky beak and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! (only to be used in the most extreme of circumstances) 😂

Good luck! 🍀

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Witsendagain · 03/09/2019 16:04

Ps. If it helps my ds is 20months and I still haven't left him with anyone!

MonkeyLife · 03/09/2019 19:22

Trust your instincts and who are they to say what you should do... My DS is 17 months and he's never been left with anyone other than DP and only then when I have to work weekends/bholidays.
My parents are actually quite good and leave us alone until asked to visit (they live 4hrs away). OH's parents have visited every month Confused and they're 6hrs away. Always commenting on what/how we do things.... And they always insist on eating out - even if DS is having a tough day. I find they always then rush to try to feed /sooth/take him away from the table if he's having a, 'moment' and they always say 'you never eat, eat and I'll see to him...'. I know I should probably be grateful, but tbh, if I didn't want to care for my son, I wouldn't have had him. I love looking after him and if I wanted help, I'd ask. I wish they'd give us a chance to be a family of 3, not a 3+2....

Firsttimemummy19 · 03/09/2019 19:40

@KellyHall The way I'm feeling I'll be using number 7 99% of the time!!

I can't see me leaving DS with anyone for a long long time. It's crazy they think it's a bad thing, although go back 10 years ago when my cousin had her baby and used to palm him off all the time- they did nothing but criticise her too!!

YellowSkyBlue · 03/09/2019 19:52

You do not have to explain yourself of course or leave you baby with anyone you do not want to. I was only happy to when my children could communicate. Having said that why does a 6 month old need to be fed every 2 hours? Just during the day? I only had to do that for newborns.

Firsttimemummy19 · 03/09/2019 19:58

@YellowSkyBlue He still feeds every 2 hours due to tongue tie or just comfort

Chandler913 · 03/09/2019 23:05

I envy your stamina.. How do you rest if you're feeding that often?

managedmis · 04/09/2019 02:01

Yeah it never ends... Do this, dont do that, etc etc ad nauseum

Just ignore

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/09/2019 02:12

“Having said that why does a 6 month old need to be fed every 2 hours? Just during the day? I only had to do that for newborns.”

You’re doing the same thing! Babies are all different. The OP wasn’t asking for ways to stop or whether it was normal. My son easily breastfed that much and more at that age, he fed even more frequently as a newborn

cantfindname · 04/09/2019 03:15

When you have had your own family and watched them grow and fly the nest it is extraordinarily hard when you become a G'parent Grin

Your daughter (your baby ffs) is responsible for a baby of her own?? How is that possible? It was only yesterday she was my precious baby herself... oh yeah, and everyone was giving me unwanted advice Grin Grin

G'parents really really need to learn to keep their noses out of it! I know I had to bite my tongue many times and not make helpful 'suggestions' The result of all the tongue mutilation is now that if she has a problem my daughter feels confident to ask me what I would have done rather than trying to conceal all the problems.

I never left any of mine as babies, I can't understand this odd compulsion for relatives and even friends to feel they have to take the baby for a night. It would have been sheer torture for me!

Jesse70 · 04/09/2019 07:31

@cantfindname
I think it's the way people go about giving advice
My parents/in laws probably have great advice as they raised 3 each but when they gives advice it makes me feel like they are criticising me as a mum
If they had said ohh I used to have that problem and this is how we dealt with it! I would be much more inclined to listen to her but they doesn't so I don't lol
Their kids all just were magically perfect which obviously is untrue

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/09/2019 08:55

The difficulty I found with parents / PIL’s generation is that their children’s childhood years compressed and they misremembered what happened at different ages. So MIL was giving me advice about what she had done that was appropriate for an 18mo when my son was about 18 days

Firsttimemummy19 · 04/09/2019 10:28

@HerSymphonyAndSong Ha I was going to same exactly the same thing!! People just can't help it can they. I sometime feel like shouting NOT ALL BABIES ARE THE SAME!!!!!!

@cantfindname You sounds like a fab grandma. That's the thing, if relatives buttoned it a bit then I'd be far more willing and wanting to visit more and share experiences etc but they way they act with me only makes me push them away more.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 04/09/2019 10:40

This is where you learn the smile and nod technique, swiftly followed by a change of topic.

If that fails looking a bit vacant and walking off helps Grin

Firsttimemummy19 · 04/09/2019 10:45

@OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole I can nail the 'looking vacant' thing no problem!

IWouldPreferNotTo · 04/09/2019 10:50

I love this.

OP: "Why does everyone feel the need to have an opinion on my parenting"

MN: "Why are you feeding every two hours?"

Firsttimemummy19 · 04/09/2019 10:51

@IWouldPreferNotTo I know, I felt my whole body tense up when I read it 🙄

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