My mum just apologised to my 13 yo son for raising such a difficult parent for him

[TheSummerGone]

sigh

in jest ?

nope.

he was crying.

she asked him what the matter was.

he didn't answer

she asked me what the matter was

i asked her to not get involved

she told me to apologise immediately

i asked her to not get involved

she apologised to him for raising such a cold and difficult parent. Side order of "you know" - you never do apologise for anything - do you?".

Yesterday he told her she had to give me a good spanking.

I had said that one portion of desert was enough.

The last time I'd said one portion was enough, she told the kids that "Mums are always right, but granny is Mum's Mum, so I call the shots".

kind of not really sure where to go with it - other than trying to avoid her until she goes home to stop the kids getting caught in the cross fire - which is kind of a pain with getting them ready back to school.

Is there a more gracious way through?

Spanking?!

Confused

What? Your son told your mother you needed to be spanked? Where would he get this idea? Is he spanked?

Is she staying with you? I'd be sending her home, to be honest.

Spanked as in S & M? Your child said that? WTH!?!?

Your 13 year old told your mum to spank you ?

When does she leave? (Assuming she's a guest at present)
Why was your son crying though?

Yeah - so was I .

She's had this trope last few months about how I'm her baby, so her word overules mine.

I said no more ice cream. My mum normally says yes to more ice cream. Hence he told her she needed to spank her kid (me) because they were being naughty not following what their mum says.

My face >>>

Giving that as context for why DS being told I'm a difficult person really isn't helpful (!)

He's never been spanked.

He actually originally said "hit" - then modified to 'spank' presumably because my face gave him a clue he was going in the wrong direction and he saw it as less violent. Speaking in my mum's native language - so the phrasing is awkward.

Tell her to behave in your home or she'll not be invited again, and if you're difficult the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

I would tell her to pack her bags.
Her onward travel would be her own concern.
✈👋

You do realise that she is attempting to alienate you from your child?

IMHO he was crying from anxiety about starting school tomorrow.

He's ASD - and can sometimes just 'go off on one'.

The trigger was that 3 weeks ago I called him an idiot. We were in a hotel buffet - he kept harassing & upsetting his brother calling him names. He was asked to stop the name calling 3 times - at which point he stopped technically namecalling & started face-pulling. I told him to stop behaving like an idiot.

We were walking home from town this morning after buying stationery, and at one point he randomly said "Mum, you called me an idiot in our holiday". I apologised for calling him an idiot - but did point out that his behaviour warranted the label. He got kind of fixed and going round in circles "but you called me an idiot". Made to run away at one point, I walked around the block, found him, brought him home. Had a bit more chat & then left him to relax in his room for a bit, because he was just repeating himself & clearly needed to calm down.

When my mum called him down for lunch, he came into my study and said "mum, you called me an idiot" - then cried. I gave him a hug & we sat together for half an hour. Then my mum came up to investigate why he hadn't arrived at the meal. She asked what was wrong - I said he was just a bit overwhelmed. She said "what does that even mean" & went for a hunt for someone to blame.

She sounds infuriating undermining you like that. I wouldn't put up with it

She's not being purposely malicious - she just wants it to be all sunshine - wants to give kids all the treats and stop the tears - it's like an anxiety thing IYSWIM.

It's a massive pain though - because it makes the day so much harder. I don't think its okay for the kids to have me trash talked in front of them (and I certainly don't think it will make them any less upset to have adult arguments over their heads!). Hence I've gone upstairs away from the family areas - when I should actually be setting up everything nice calm & organised for school tomorrow.

Asking her to leave won't happen - she has a bad health diagnosis - one that she isn't shy to try to manipulate me with - but genuinely a tough one. It's one of the other things that stresses DS - he wants to make every Nana visit 'perfect'. I have to wait out the rest of the visit - one more day.

I sympathise . She doesn't sound unlike my own mother who I have issues with.

Do you think your ds has picked up on the friction?

It sounds like he's realised that if he rats on you to your mum then he deflects from him and on to you.

Will your mum react badly if you sit her down and tell her to stop?

I spoke to him and said that "I think that our relationship is good enough that if there's an issue between us, it can be discussed between us. "

Is that unfair? I don't want to tell him to keep secrets.

I also said "I'd like you to have the emotional intelligence to recognise that what's actually upsetting you is more likely to be the start of school tomorrow than a cross word two weeks ago". He said "No - school is wonderful" burst into tears again & locked himself in the loo.

But you didn’t call him an idiot, you said his behaviour at the time was that of an idiot........how you behave and how you are are two different things - would be be able to process that.....?(clutching at straws...)

Hang in there. Just serve yourself an extra big portion of patient good humour. It's nearly over.

I got a long ranty email from my mum.

Normally I bite my tongue - but I sent a pretty stiff response back starting with "Can you please respect my parenting decisions when you are a guest in my home". Which means I might have got my point in, but that it's probably far from over...