Can I just rant about my father?

[Drpeppered]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve never been a daddies girl, me and my father were never close growing up. We but heads a lot, and I think he never knew how to parent me.

Over time, and with reflection, I’ve realised he was abusive. My parents would smack me and my brother when naughty, but my dad would was rough with us was past the toddler stage. He would get angry and lash out, one time he threw me backwards into a mirror when I was about 12. This was the 90s/00s so physical punishments were definitely becoming less common. He would often ‘jokingly’ call me fat, though I was never a fat child, and I think most of my issues with food and my appearance come from that.

He would lie about so many things, blame things on me and my brother, such as who drank the last of the pop, or who are the chocolate. Once my mothers wedding and engagement ring went missing, and he said it was me. Turns out he had taken it all along.

Despite all of this, and never really having a relationship, when my mum finally left him when I was 18 I felt really bad for him. I actually felt guilty, and I think for a while our relationship got better. Looking back, I think I just made more allowances for his bullshit and so didn’t instigate things with him anymore.

Now, at 26, I don’t know how to navigate a relationship with him. He still lies a lot, everything is about apearences with him. He’s selfish, self absorbed, doesn’t think about us at all. Tomorrow he’s getting married, and I just don’t know how to sit there and be fucking ‘happy’ over this bullshit. Tonight we went out for a meal with his oldest friends, and they were asking about the proposal, and it turns out he asked her to marry him before we’d even met her. Which he’s never told us. This would have been four years before he told us they were actually engaged. I don’t know why it’s upset me so much, but I just think it’s another example of his bullshit. His future wife has no fucking clue what she’s marrying. This is a man who forged my mothers signature to take an extra £40000 out on their mortgage (£40000 which just disappeared by the way. We still have no idea where that money went).

I think I hate him. Yet I don’t want to hurt him, which cutting him out completely would 100% do, as well as hurt me, so I honestly don’t know what to do. There’s so much more bullshit, so much I’ve blocked out or try not to forget.

Sorry this post was pointless, I just needed to yell into space or something.

You’re attached to a very, very horrible man.

He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.

If it was me I wouldn't go.

You deserve to be happy and he clearly makes you unhappy.
Blood doesn't make you family.

Hope your ok

Just wanted to send you hugs op. I cut mine out of my life finally after putting up with the bullshit and lies for too long. He didn’t actually bother telling me about his wedding until after he was married. I never met the wife and think that was the end for us and she was now his priority. I feel a lot of relief now he isn’t in my life. He brought me mostly pain but I did mourn the loss of him. It felt almost like my father dying only without much sympathy or being allowed any grieving time.

Yours is a different situation so if you want to go the wedding it’s fine but don’t feel bad about cutting out after that if it’s better for you and your family.

I have some slight similarities with my childhood and issues with my Dad. The lying isn't part of it, but he was a cheat before my mother left him - and he is quite secretive particularly surrounding his current relationship.
He did the same things to me regarding appearance, bullied me for being too skinny, tried to force feed me vegetables etc which made me vomit and has given me lifelong issues with food. Then (still as a child) I started secret eating and put on some weight leading to the grief for being fat. I wasn't then, but have been my entire adult life.
He lives a long way from me now, and I only see him in person once a year.
He somehow still makes me feel like I need / want his praise or approval but I have managed to stand up for myself more with the current arrangement.
If you can't face the wedding blame a sick bug to give yourself time; given his propensity for lying this one is a minor one and won't cause resentment while you make decisions for your future relationship with him

Read your post again OP. If a friend was telling you all this about their dad what would you think? What would you say to them?

To me your post reads as if you are gradually coming to terms with the fact that the father life gave you isn’t the loving father you wanted and deserved. You are almost mourning the loss of the dad you wanted.

I don’t think many people would blame you if you decided not to attend this wedding. He has done nothing to deserve your love and loyalty.

I recommend you read the book ‘Toxic parents’ by Susan Forward. It sounds like you’re stuck in a pattern of FOG - Fear, Guilt, Obligation. He’s not a nice person. He treats you so badly! You need to find a way to distance yourself from him, maybe reduce contact to start with so you can cut contact altogether eventually.

I know I should cut him out, and it would be better for me in the long run, but right now it just feels so hard.

I don’t feel like I have any choice to go to the wedding. I’ve travelled across the country to be here, and I think if I don’t go I would just feel so guilty I’d spend five years trying to make it up to him.

For those who’ve cut a parent out their life, did you tell them? Or just ignore their calls?

I am NC with my father. Final straw was when he refused to attend my wedding. I'll never be good enough, and no way was I putting my DCs through that.

I ignored his last email. Decided to tell him I was pregnant when he next bothered to call. He didn’t bother. DH ended up speaking to him a few weeks before baby was due and told him not to bother coming round again.