11year old son and pornhub

[ScalingTheCliffsOfInsanity]

My ds is 11, nearly 12. He's only had his phone for a short while and I only check it occasionally to make sure nothing untoward is going on. He's a nice kid, friendly, kind hearted and a bit of a softie a lot of the time. I happened to check his phone tonight after he'd gone to bed and his search history shows a good 15 or so pornhub pages. Obviously I need to talk to him about it but I don't want to jump in to the deep end and have a massive go. He's growing up and is obviously curious. What's the best way to approach this? I want him to know that porn is not what normal sex is, but not totally sure what else I need to be saying to him (other than don't bloody do it again!). Help. I'm not ready for this level of him growing up yet!!

You can restrict sites and what he searches via your router. I'm not talking about parental controls per se but you can block specific sites.
11 seems very young to look at porn doesn't it?

And i definitely would be blocking them.

Any idea how I would do that?

have parental controls added to his phone
if you speak to him he will know you looked at his phone so be prepared for him to be upset by this
delete the sites
no-one "happens" to check someone elses phone, I would ask him how he is getting on with the new phone, explain to him that you would like to check it occasionally to make sure he's not getting any illegal posts, give him a bit of responsibility and ownership.

How on Earth has he accessed these? Did you not set up any parental controls before handing him a smart phone? Why did you give him a phone with data? How does he even know these sites exist?

Did you seriously hand him a phone without any controls set up?

@HappyHammy he knows I occasionally check it so that's not an issue. He knows it's only occasionally as well as we have had conversations about trusting each other now he's growing up a bit.

If you don't feel confident blocking the sites you can get in touch with the phone company you bought it from or the maker of the phone. there's quite a lot on google.

There is masses of advice online about parental controls and content blocking apps and phone safety for kids. You need to do the research based on what kind of phone it is.

You need to talk to him about porn and the horrendous impact upon women. About consent. And exploitation. And talk to him about healthy sex. And healthy attitudes towards women. And about resisting following the crowd. (But all the other boys do it, Mum)

But for Pete's sake, don't return his phone until you've installed parental controls and learned how to use them so that he is blocked from inappropriate sites, and from downloading inappropriate apps. Which is what should happen BEFORE any parent gives a smartphone to an eleven year old.

Here is what I use

families.google.com/intl/en_uk/familylink/

11 is too young to be using a phone unsupervised and especially without parental controls.

He’s a child. Your an adult, his parent. You need to act like one, instead of like his big sister.

Probably worth trying to find out why he was looking at the sites and how he knew about them. It’s likely that his friends are all doing it so it’s a good way to start talking about being your own person and not having to follow the crowd. Peer pressure is only going to increase for him as he goes through the teenage tunnel (!) so it’s good that you’ve found this early as you can make your boundaries really clear for him.

And the thing about parental controls is that they seem like a great idea but most children will easily find a way to get past them. Google "get past parental controls" and you'll see a million guides.

Would you be so blasé about his internet use if you discovered that he was being groomed? Or had sent naked pictures of himself to some randomer? He is is a child. You need to lock down his access and be 100% aware of what he is doing all the time - not just occasionally.

I agree, at 11 nearly 12 he is presumably just going into year 7? That is too young to be looking at porn - he's not ready to process what he's seeing and he is young enough that he will find it hard to work out what is fantasy and what is reality.

If you don't do something about this he is potentially going to struggle with relationships and self esteem in his teens at best.

So find a way to block the sites.

I would talk to him about it too - maybe compare it to other films he's seen or video games. Sometimes they are fantasy versions of real life and actors/characters in them behave in a different way or do things that are dangerous to do in real life. Explain that many porn stars have had plastic surgery etc, and people also don't really look like that in real life and porn isn't a realistic representation of that.

He may well have seen things that have upset him or he has questions about - I'd try to answer them if he seems worried.

11 is way too young to be using a phone unsupervised without any parental controls..

This is awful. How could you let a child have a phone without parental controls. Exposing children to porn is very concerning in more ways than one. Not just for what the effect on him is and the damage this can do but it reflects very badly on you as a parent.

I don't think you can avoid it in secondary school, loads of kids have it on their phones and show each other at breaktimes.

I first saw it age 9 when I was staying at my grandparents in their living room, couldn't sleep so put the TV on, and there it was.

Put parental controls on and talk to him about it. But you can't stop secondary schoolers talking about it/him being exposed to it unless you live in a cave.

I'm not going to get on your case about parental controls etc OP as that wasn't your question.
I found myself in your situation with my son when he was around your son's age, except he had accessed it on the home computer. ( mobile's were still in their infancy then )
I had a calm conversation with him on the difference between porn and reality. I didn't go into the exploitation side of it, because that would have been too much information to process in the course of that conversation.
We did chat about respect, no means no and not to expect women in reality to be able or want to do the things that he see's in porn films. I tried to keep it at a level of comprehension of his age.
He's now a grown man in his 30's and has a good deal of respect and admiration for women, particularly his own wife and daughters.
Your son is at the age where he is naturally curious. Don't go into it with an accusatory tone or ask questions, this will only serve to embarrass him or make him feel like he has done wrong. Make it a conversation where you both give input and opinion.

Getoffmybongos is making perfect sense!

As he matures Hannah Witten’s YouTube videos about healthy sexual relationships are an excellent resource.

Parental controls are easily bypassed. Take the phone away and give him one that does calls and texts. If he needs to use the internet he can do so on a device in a public area of your house.

FWIW, I've posted on these threads before - I'm a techy person, I worked in that industry for years. I don't know a single one of my colleagues who would give a child of this age unfettered access to the internet because we know how easy it is to bypass controls. It's massively irresponsible.

Scaling: I want him to know that porn is not what normal sex is
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That is exactly what you need to tell him.

He's just curious but you don't want him to get into a habit.

Years ago a friend's much younger brother, same age as your son, ran up an enormous phone bill on their mum's landline, phoning sex chat lines.
He was just being curious, not unusual at that age. It was before kids had mobiles and unrestricted access to the internet. As you can imagine his mum was livid and he was well told off! It passed though.

Please don't worry too much, it's a phase.

Dogs are so much easier: As he matures Hannah Witten’s YouTube videos about healthy sexual relationships are an excellent resource.
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Excellent idea.

Is it possible that it wasn’t him at all and that his father or another adult/older boy borrowed or used his phone?

Parental controls are a bit of a waste of time really, theres more porn on Twitter than pornhub :(