Family board games end in disaster

[Motherofajuggernaut]

Oh wise mumsnetters. Any tips on a child that makes it impossible to play family board games because they strop if they don't win? He's 7.
To the point where we don't want to play games with him at all. He ends up in angry tears and often damages the board or peices too.
We're at a loss. He loves playing games with us and asks repeatedly for games but we have ended up avoiding it. We have tried teaming up, preparing him for potential loss, tried taking to him about it. He's still explosive about them as soon as he realises he won't win or even if he thinks he won't.

It's difficult but I think you have to persist as it's important for him to learn about losing and about controlling emotions.

But if games are getting ruined they go away until he's proven he can play properly. If you play and he plays up simply and quietly pack the game away without a word being said and ignore the tantrum.

A co-operative board game may be better so its you all working together

• Pandemic is very good and was a family favourite. 7 is probably do-able but if he's a young 7 you may want to look at The Island... or if you go on Shut Up and Sit Down (board game website) and look up co-opearative games there will be some in his age group - Space Cadets is one but I've not seen any reviews of it...

When we hit this stage I got a couple of games which were non competitive, where everyone has to work as a team to achieve something and you win or lose together. I think it helped them to be losing alongside us and gave us a chance to demonstrate how to lose nicely at the crucial moment. Forbidden Island was a good one, can't remember the age range tho.
It doesn't last long!

Co-operative board games.

You all win or all lose together, and losing is normally fun making you all want to try again. You can help each other on turns, take/give advice on strategy etc.

I would suggest Castle Panic if he’s 7.

DS1 was/is like this. He has ASD.
DS4 is also like this. He just can't stand not winning. So we've turned it into a joke - there are only two rules in a game - 1. He is going to win and 2. All rules will be changed by him until he is winning. He's very blatant with it and the game becomes about spotting how he's cheating, checking the real rulebook to see whether whatever he's said is actually in there. He now loves learning new card games so he can thrash his grandparents But for a few long, long years it was torture - from about 4-7 was particularly awful. He played a lot of solo card games on his tablet which helped - we wouldn't play with him.

It say something 10+ on the box, but with adults, 7 should be fine.There is a “my first castle panic” available as we’ll, which is a simpler version.

The good thing about the co-op, is there’s no player elimination or direct conflict. and you can all share and model how to lose well.

My ds is 8 and we have the same problem with board games. As suggested above we have had success with forbidden island and castle panic. Forbidden island is easier to get started with.

I'm 44 , I still can't play monopoly with my 40 year old brother without an argument

It's a phase a lot of dc go through I think. It will pass! We just avoided board games for a couple of years and came back to them when DCs maturity had developed a bit.

He sounds horrible! (at the moment!). I don't think you should stop playing games completely as he really needs your help in learning how to play nicely, otherwise he will struggle to hold down friendships if he behaves like this with them.

I am sure I will only be saying things you've already tried.... But I guess I would wait for him to ask to play a game. Then talk to him very sensibly about the fact that you would like to play with him, BUT his attitude in previous games has made you unsure about doing so again. Ask him if he can promise to enjoy the game even if he loses... Point out that in any game only 1 person can win, 1 person will come last etc. Ask him how he feels when he's losing... And then point out that when he's winning, that means someone else must be losing, and they must therefore feel just the same as him... And how would he feel if they stopped the game because they got cross, angry etc. He'd miss out on his win and no-one would end up happy.

Explain that most games are down to luck - roll of a dice etc. So wining or losing really doesn't mean the person is a hero/fool etc.

Is he insecure? Why does he get so upset about losing? Do family members tease each other if they get things wrong/fail? Or massively praise a winner?

My SD was terrible with games, sounds like your son! She is an only child and hadn't had much experience of playing with kids her own age. Just adults, who are either naturally better at things than her (eg basketball when she'd throw a hissy fit if she didn't get as many baskets as her dad ) or who 'let her win'. Now she's 12 she is so much better, but it's taken a long time to reason with her and get her to understand other people's points of view. I'd still avoid playing snakes and ladders as the number of highs and lows are just too much to bear

I think empathy has a real impact on how children are with competition. A friends child is so sensitive and empathetic she would lose on purpose to avoid someone else losing . Think that's too far the other way!

Keep going at it. If he starts being difficult, stop the game and say you'll carry on tomorrow when he's in a better mood. Be kind if you can see he is really trying to keep his emotions under control. Praise people for trying. My DH always says 'good game' or thanks for playing or something similar after every game, with a handshake etc (v American, but I can see it seems to work) whether or not he wins or loses.

Oh yes, forbidden island is good too as Pp mentioned.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3381000-to-ask-you-to-tell-me-how-to-tear-a-family-apart

Avoid most of these games in future as well.

I banned board games. It was horrendous.
Then discovered son has ASD. I hate board games and people being competitive so quite happy to never play them!

What about putting the results up somewhere ( we have a whiteboard for reminders) and over time he will see he doesn't always win but did in the past - this worked for one a side 'football' with DCs

My son was like this. He has ASD. He’s better now his mid teenage years.

*he’s

I’m autistic and so is my elder DD. Younger DD is NT.
I started them on board games as very young toddlers - simple pair matching picture lotto, or ludo type things. They were playing Monopoly by age 3.
Autistic DD, when aged 4, did once grab the cash rather rudely from younger DD who had landed on her hotel on Mayfair, gloating loudly “Mine, all mine!”.
I told her off and DD (aged 3) added sanctimoniously: “Yes, greedy bastard!”.
I think you need to start very young with concepts of taking turns, not being a bad loser, not being a gloaty winner, etc. If a child throws a strop over a game, the game is removed and the child sent to do something boring, like tidy their room.
This needs to be absolutely consistent, but you need to model the desired behaviour yourself too.
If you play a game and beat DH, for example, he should congratulate you on winning and you should tell him it was a good game or he was a good opponent - so the kids can see this as normal.
You really don’t want an entitled, stroppy child throwing tantrums at school every time his side loses at football or doesn’t win a quiz. You can’t afford to indulge such behaviour at home or it will become engrained and harder to eradicate later.

Good to see he's got a competitor mindset but not a brat one . Tel him he will be a winner one day if he keeps working on it x

Have you tried very short games where not much time is invested and to 'lose' is still fun such as Pop Up Pirate?

We didn't go 10 pin bowling for years because one of the DDs couldn't cope that they didn't score as well as DH and I did (even when they had barriers and we didn't).

We’ve had that too. You just tell them that you’re not going to play with them if they either start cheating or stropping if they aren’t winning. I walk off if it starts.
However, I do slightly cheat myself to make the game more competitive if i’m Winning or if I see one of the other children winning by a long way and they’ve won at something else recently.

Fir example, playing bears abs babies yesterday DS2 won the time before, fine as i’m winning this this. I do something daft and now DS is winning. I re-count by me at the end means DD and DS2 draw!

I definitely agree cooperative board games are a good choice. Obviously we all need to learn to lose graciously at some point, but if your son I struggling it would be good to try cooperative ones and enjoy games together.

Pandemic is amazing. Forbidden island and desert are great too and maybe a bit better for younger ones (my five year old managed to play these with us and enjoys them, so 7 year old should be fine). Flashpoint is another good one too.

I've not played it but Out foxed is a cooperative kids game that's been recommended to me as well

Does he behave badly when he wins ? (i.e crowing over the losers, boasting, jumping about shouting 'I've won' type of stuff) because winning gracefully and losing gracefully go togther really - if he does go over board when he wins you could also talk to him about how to win and be kind to the losers and generally try to calm down the whole end of game winning/losing scenario. It sounds as if he gets very emotionally wound up and it's about him controlling his emotions. If he is someone who crows over winning then losing will seem that much worse to him because he has invested the idea of losing with being a 'loser' and inviting mockery.

I would talk to him about being grown up enough to play a game in the knowledge that someone wins and someone loses and in the end it generally evens out.

I find with children this age short games that are over quickly so you can have another 'round' are quite good. Because that makes it more likely that people have turns at winning and losing. You can even keep a tally of 'matches' and it will vary who is ahead at any one time.

Are the games you are playing ones of luck or skill ? Because if they are skill he may feel at a bit of a disadvantage if he always plays with adults or older children - he may not yet have developed the ability to think strategically ahead, so he will find it frustrating if he is not actually able to have the same chance of winning as others.

But I would also be very firm - if he starts showing signs of bad losing before the end of the game warn him that the game will go away immediately, and that throwing pieces around or damaging the game won't be tolerated. The consequence should be the natural one that until he demonstrates the ability to lose, the game doesn't get played (obviously keep giving him chances and praise him for his good sportsmanship if he does lose gracefully).
I'd also go for games where there are several players and therefore more than one person is the loser.

He doesn't sound horrible and brattish, he sounds like a fairly normal 7yr old. Competitive adults find it hard to lose and many aren't very good at it. It is a learned skill, or at least disguising your disappointment, or acknowledging it in a sensible way are learned. As is congratulating the winner.

Competitiveness can take people far in life, over competitiveness can make them and those who deal with them unhappy, It is finding the right balance.

One game that noboby ever mentions is "Molerats in space". It is a perfect co-op for younger kids, has the simplest rules you can imagine, quick setup and maybe 20 min play time. A little luck and a little strategy with what you draw. I would thoroughly recommend it for anyone who wants to start their kids with board games.

As for the behaviour during games I would definitely agree that quietly packing the game away, calmly explain why you are doing so and ignore any reaction would be the best method.

I also teach my kids that everyone deserves respect, (including themselves) in all circumstances. It's not just about the games.

Show them respect but expect respect in return.

I would recommend Outfoxed. It’s the only board game I’ve managed to get my three (all boys under 10) to play without bringing on the apocalypse. They manage to argue about bits of it still, but that’s usually DS3 on the hunt for a fight because it’s raining (which he hates and is usually when we play board games).

DS1 is not at all a gracious loser and will try to cheat in order to win. Instant packing up of game at the first sign of strop or cheating has eventually worked (more or less).

When he asks to play a game I think you need to ask him to think through how it will be if he wins, and how it will be if he looses, and how he can manage if he feels upset. Stick with phrases like "everyone wins sometimes, everyone looses sometimes".

We have a family tradition where the winner of a game has to do a stupid dance which gets the giggles going and distracts from hard feelings.