Anyone ever realised both people in a marriage need to make more effort ?

[Lardlizard]

And if so did you manage to sort it out

Me n dh both agree we need to make more effort with each other
I do think you tend to save the best of yourself for others like when your out with friends etc
And after many many years it’s hard to maintain the same levels of just making an effort

Anyway we seem to have this chat they we are going to try more etc
And then nothing really changes

Somif youve beennin this situation how have you managed to sort it or did you realise it’s just run its course

Things get on my nerves about dh like he’s seems to be miserable a lot and it’s extremely wearing
He moans about so many things

I think you've got to be specific and honest with each other really and also understand what you can control and what you can't. So for example you said DH seems miserable, he can't just decide to feel happier, although you could perhaps look at long term changes which might make him happier - career move, house move, etc?

Counselling would probably help this process if you can't do it yourselves.

I had that for 20 years of marriage. It broke down.
With DP and his issues I promised myself I’ll never do that again. I say what the problem is and then leave the ball in his court. He needs to seek help etc, I’m there to support, but I’m not playing mum ever again.

Had a massive chat, seemed to get through to him
He says a lot of it is work stress,
Will see how goes

Been doing that for four years. We separated last week.

At least you managed to talk to him about it. My ex just announced she was going. No chance for counselling, didn't want it. Turned out later on she just wanted me to grovel and beg her to not go. No chance! I was leaping for joy inside!

I think it’s a tricky one. I constantly bring this up with DH. I feel he just trundles along, he isn’t particularly affectionate and is a massive workaholic. I think marriages take work and effort. He seems to think bumbling along is fine.
We have a chat (initiated by me) he agrees to make more effort, nothing changes so I get cross and hostile. And repeat.....

I’m sure marriage counselling would help...
Sorry no help but similar situation!

I think people under estimate how much you have to work at a marriage, it is very easy to become complacent.. this is something that we are working on at the moment and it is really making a difference.

I know it might be awkward to plan and cost money, but can you get away alone and together for a short while? Take no phones, no laptops, go to a place somewhere away from telly, buy no papers. Just be together. Walk and talk, cook and talk, eat and talk, drink and talk, make love and talk. Like a honeymoon in reverse. If you both care enough about each other, it might work. No goals, no agenda, no 5 year plans, just agree on what you like about each other, what maybe you could work on and what you can accept about each other. Marriage does take work, but work on it together if you can. If not bitterness and resentment creeps in. communication is everything.

Look up Daily Temperature Reading( DTR), it’s a really simple communication tool that’s saved a lot of relationships.

My H and I did this several times from our 8th wedding anniversary up to around our 14th. Had The Chat, agreed to spend time together, communicate more etc etc. Then I stopped trying as things would be great so long as I did all the organising of the date nights, arranged babysitters etc, planned where to go etc. After a few years of this, I decided enough was enough and got a new circle of friends to go out with - he suddenly decided he wanted to join me on those nights out which created more resentment as they were MY friends (and no one else's other halves were there) ! We split up just before our 21st Wedding anniversary.

OK - good that you have identified work stress as an issue. Obviously work stress isn't something that will change overnight but is there a long term plan? I find usually once I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, the short term stress becomes easier to bear.

This line jumped out for me in your op.

I do think you tend to save the best of yourself for others like when your out with friends etc
I feel that I put on a good face with other people but I can relax and be myself with dh. And he would say the same. Maybe you have different underlying attitudes to this kind of thing. Counseling (even just a couple of sessions) can be a way of teasing out stuff like this and understanding where the other person is coming from. It’s much harder, I’ve found, to talk about attitudes and expectations to each other than with a facilitator.