WWYD - Family meetup after 11+ years?

[robin04031402]

11 years ago after my MIL passed away there was a disagreement within the family and my dh and his sister decided to not have any contact. At the time, we had a dd who was 7 and is now nearly 18. His sister also has a dd who is a week apart from our dd.
We only met very rarely and it didn't bother dd that she wasn't seeing her cousin after the disagreement.
About a year ago dd managed to contact her cousin via social media and they talked nearly every day but so haven't properly spoken for about 6 months. However, her sister (dd's younger cousin) has also spoken to my dd (she is 2 years younger) for around a year and they speak on and off. Dd's cousin has exspressed how she wants to meet up with our dd. DD isn't sure as they don't speak often and she doesn't want it to be awkward as they haven't seen each other in 11 years. She quietly told me that she doesn't really want to meet her cousins as she doesn't really 'miss' them as she was so young since she last saw them as had no desire to meet with them anytime soon but is happy to talk to them on social media. DD doesn't want sound mean and say she doesn't want to meet up but it is becoming increasing difficult as her cousin has now suggested weekend for them to meet.
They live 3 hours away but the cousins are happy for us to go up to them or visa versa - dd has said that her cousin isn't really taking into account our family as we also foster children a ds with SEN.
Any advice on what dd should say to her cousin?
Thank you

Is your DD quite introverted? I am and would find this arrangement very difficult, however I also realise that it isn't that awful to meet random people for a short time and sometimes it's fun. I did similar with an old pen pal who I'd actually never met and only sporadically wrote to as a 10-14yo. We met for a drink and a chat at a train station in London for a couple of hours when I was about 25yo. Slightly awkward but not awful.

Might your DD feel better if the control came more from her side? So might it be easier on your DD if you went up to them and you all had a meal in a pub? If you were there, then you could also help with conversation if needed, putting less pressure on DD if it gets a bit awkward. Plus, if you planned to stay somewhere (you could keep that bit quiet initially), if it goes well, they could meet up without you the next day or something?

I'd go with meeting up - why not?

Keep it short and low-key, eg, an afternoon where you are doing 'something' (crazy golf, the zoo..) which takes the pressure of having to make conversation.

@PurpleCrazyHorse thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your experience with your pen-pal!
Yes, dd is definitely more introverted. I think we'd definitely make an arrangement to go up to them as I know that this would take away some of the pressure from dd.
However, dd has told me that she 'doesn't really want to go' but I'm not sure if this is just nervousness or if she genuinely doesn't want to go! Thank you again!

No worries @robin

My concern is your DD not doing something relatively easy due to a bit of worry about it. I have to force myself to go to social things but pretty much every time it goes much better than I expect. I have found it helpful to have a conversation wingman to get me started as I find small talk tricky.

I'm middle aged now and have much more experience in social situations. 18 is still quite young in the grand scheme of things plus meeting a 16yo? cousin too. If you take the lead a bit with your DD, you then become the responsible adult on the day, not her.

Crazy golf is also a great suggestion. A shared experience, less conversation pressure, could follow up with a drink/food if all goes well.

@robin04031402

If I were your DD I would say "having thought about it I feel a bit disloyal meeting in person while our parents aren't on good terms, so shall we just carry on chatting through social media for the time being?." Then gradually fade away.