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Original poster

Teenagers Forced To Share A Double Bed

27 replies

CaptainJaneway62 · 31/08/2019 18:07

Boys are 14 and 17 stuck in the middle of divorce
The only choice they have is to sleep in a double bed or one sleep on the floor and the other in the bed.
This is when they visit their father's house EOW
The boys absolutely do not like this set up but are happy to share a room
Their father refuses to provide/buy 2 singles(or bunk beds or trundle bed) for them(money and space is not an issue).
What I am asking really is to those MNs whose DCs go to the NRP EOW is this acceptable or not?
Sorry for being vague but I am a bit worried about my DGSs and some of the stuff their father is putting them through at the moment.

OP posts:
IncyWincyGrownUp · 31/08/2019 18:17

At 14 and 17 they can vote with their feet.

Bunnybigears · 31/08/2019 18:20

I think at that age if they didnt like it enough they wouldnt go.

BeanBag7 · 31/08/2019 18:21

I dont see the problem with one sleeping in the bed and one on the floor, assuming they have a mattress/airbed on the floor. They can alternate each time they visit.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 18:23

What else is the father imposing on them?

Original poster
CaptainJaneway62 · 31/08/2019 18:50

Airbeds and sleeping bags have been offered by mum but refused by their father. It's the double bed or hard floor.
The DGSs think he does not want them there as he has now moved in with OW.
He left her for OW. But she has tried to remain civil with him and has moved on herself.
Cancelling planned overnights at last minute because he's annoyed at one of them for wanting to see friends who live local/play football together.
Telling them to fuck off home after he's been drinking.
Shouting down the phone at eldest because he didn't answer his phone and told him not to bother coming that weekend.
Sorry if this is a drip feed but it is in answer to mathanxiety question.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 31/08/2019 18:52

With your update the bed sharing is the least of their concerns!

Orchidflower1 · 31/08/2019 18:53

Tbh at the age they are they could just turn around and say no they are not going. If their df wanted them there he would make an effort.

RelaisBlu · 31/08/2019 18:56

My sister & I had to share a double bed at my Dad's house when we were teenagers

bamboocat · 31/08/2019 18:57

What a bastard. They would be better off not seeing him at all, wouldn't they?

Have you spoken to them about it?

MyDcAreMarvel · 31/08/2019 18:57

Is absolutely fine they are same sex siblings.

june2007 · 31/08/2019 19:01

The fact he doesn't allow an airbed kind of doesn't ring true. But He provides a double and although not ideal sounds like there is bigger fish to fry.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 19:02

@CaptainJaneway62 you are right to be very concerned for your poor DGSs.

I would be very inclined to advise their mum to end the visitation arrangement. He is being abusive. The bed situation in and of itself isn't the worst, but all the rest of it is horrible and a net negative for the boys.

Hope you or the mum can sit the boys down and tell them that they don't deserve that treatment.

How are the boys feeling about it all? Boys can be very tight lipped and stoic, but they can also explode if kicked around enough.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/08/2019 19:20

The bed thing is a bit daft. My boys have shared a double lots of times, they could be in sleeping bags, topping and tailing or with a pillow down the middle. It’s only like camping and sharing a tent. What on earth do they think will happen?

I bet two girls would be expected to just suck it up.

KUGA · 31/08/2019 19:30

Dad sounds like a twat.

HugoSpritz · 31/08/2019 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotChocolateLover · 31/08/2019 19:34

That’s really not good. The best we can do for our step kids (15 and 9) is bunk beds but we wouldn’t dream of a double bed. Especially as they are B and G.

Shortfeet · 31/08/2019 19:37

Well it’s up to the boys.
My two would have killed each other at those ages before sharing a bed.

But I have friends with far nicer children than mine who did this often and no one minded at all

Original poster
CaptainJaneway62 · 31/08/2019 19:58

I shared a double bed with 2 of my sisters until I was 12. So I fully understand that scenario and back then there was no option due to being poor.
This is not the case here there is more than enough money and room.

I have spoken to them about it and have told them that they do not need to go and they can refuse to go when he angry and abusive towards them, but they say they feel obliged to go because he kicks up such a fuss. Plus they say that some of the time he is ok but flips from being calm to mad in seconds with them.
I told them to come to mine at any time when he kicks off because they should not be treated that way(he lives close by).

The thing was that when he got together with the GF/OW he was telling the boys that they will have to share a room and the boys were happy about that and they said we will use our airbeds and sleeping bags because they liked the camping out idea(they do it here at mine so they are not being precious about it).

So when they knew they were staying at his GF's house(the DGSs get on well with her) they took the airbeds and sleeping bags with them to put in the car but he made them put them back in their house and when they get to the house he's put an old small double 4ft wide(6inch wider than a std single) for 2 teenagers 5' 10" and 6ft tall with one duvet.

I am worried for them because he seems to be messing with their heads for the shear hell of it and I have no idea why he would even want to do all this to them.

I know that he is an abusive bastard but i cannot say that to the DGSs

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainJaneway62 · 31/08/2019 20:12

Oh and I really appreciate all the people taking time to give the opinions and advice

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 20:24

I have spoken to them about it and have told them that they do not need to go and they can refuse to go when he angry and abusive towards them, but they say they feel obliged to go because he kicks up such a fuss. Plus they say that some of the time he is ok but flips from being calm to mad in seconds with them.

The boys need someone to talk to about this. They are basically unwilling to rock the boat because they are afraid of him.

It's a terrible example of how a man should behave and it will cause them trauma the longer they are exposed to it.

Has this man always been so angry and unreasonable?

Can you and/or their mum afford a counselor for them?
Can you afford a solicitor?

Is the visitation by court order or an informal arrangement?
Be very careful if it is court ordered that this angry man doesn't accuse you and the mum of alienation of affection or interference with his time with the boys by offering them a safe place to go if he is being abusive.

Has the mum been cool/ok with the separation and visitation because she is afraid of this man's reaction if she were to speak up on the boys' behalf or to express anger on her own behalf?

If the visitation is court ordered, then compile a list of abusive behaviour and speech, and go back to court.

If not court ordered, then simply do your utmost to stop the visitation. Assure the boys that you will protect them from his response if they stop going. It is possible to get a non-molestation order if he really kicks off, which will stop him from making abusive phone calls or threats of any kind.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Leave a message. They will call you back.

(And that bed is way too small for two lads to share).

ChiaraRimini · 31/08/2019 20:33

He's being a total wanker.
My ex was a crap husband but even he would have not expected our two teen DS to put up with this, and they wouldn't have tolerated it- they would have moved furniture or one slept on the sofa, or found some other arrangement. These boys must be quite afraid of their dad to not stand up to him on this and they need other adults to support them.

Original poster
CaptainJaneway62 · 31/08/2019 21:06

I agree with you mathanxiety and ChiaraRimini

Yes a problem with anger and being unreasonable. Which has only recently been talked about.

No Court Orders

Just recently Mediation for Access as he would not adhere to the informal arrangements. DGSs want less contact.

Yes I think you have hit the nail on the head that she has been cool/ok to keep the peace etc.

I will pay for DGSs to see someone for counselling.

Thank you for all the help. Very much appreciated.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/09/2019 03:16

You may well be able to find a counselor through Women's Aid.

The DGSs andn their mum are lucky there is no court order.

Talk to Women's Aid about options you have if you and the mum and the boys decide to just put an end to the visitation, and about support available for the mum. The Freedom Programme is an excellent resource available through WA.

This man will neither lead nor follow and will use contact with the children as an opportunity to kick an exW and DCs in the teeth just for the heck of it - this is the abuser textbook.

How did you all end up in mediation?

hotwaterbottle12 · 01/09/2019 04:05

I have spoken to them about it and have told them that they do not need to go and they can refuse to go when he angry and abusive towards them, but they say they feel obliged to go because he kicks up such a fuss. Plus they say that some of the time he is ok but flips from being calm to mad in seconds with them.
I told them to come to mine at any time when he kicks off because they should not be treated that way(he lives close by).*

Their mum needs to step in and sort this out. They're not obliged to put up with his abuse and she needs to tell them they're not going and deal with the fallout.

user764329056 · 01/09/2019 04:28

Poor lads, this sounds miserable for them, agree with PP that mum needs to stand up to him at this point, they probably don’t want to rock the boat