How to deal with difficult person at work

[RapunzelsRealMom]

I wasn't sure where to post this. Hopefully 'Chat' is appropriate.

This is a tricky one I think.

I am a senior manager with a team reporting to me. That team is made up of 2 managers, each with 3 reports.

Until a year ago, I was one of the managers reporting into my role. I got a promotion, recruited a replacement for my old role and she has been in place for a while now.

The second manager has been in role for a number of years and has been in the company about 10 years. She is very experienced and good at her job. Personally though, she is a difficult character.

When I was manager alongside her, she made working life difficult for me and her reports. The problem is, it’s not necessarily what she says but how she says it. Her tone is sharp, she is rude, impatient and dismissive. She is clever and didn’t do this in front of our senior manager however, she’d do it in front of the team or other colleagues; so much so that numerous people commented on her behaviour.

Now, as I say, I am the senior manager and I’ve literally just found out that she’s still doing this to my newer manager, only now it seems worse!

I feel awful that I was actually arrogant enough to think that the way I was managing her was actually improving her behaviour!

The thing is, what she does is so subtle, it would be difficult to take her to task for it. As I said, it’s the way she says things - her tone, her mannerisms, her puffing and sighing - it’s not always her choice of words.

She is performing well at work but is basically an arse. How do I deal with that?

My new manager is trying so hard to break down barriers and build a relationship with her but is becoming increasingly upset by how she is being treated.

So as not to drip feed - it is well recognised that she is difficult throughout depts but people tend to let her away with it. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s easier than calling her out. I hear people say things like “That’s just the way she is”. That’s not ok when she’s actively upsetting colleagues.

Any advice please?

Call her in and tell her that the way she speaks to people is unacceptable and suggest constructive ways to improve her interpersonal skills.

You don't have to "take her to task" as a first step. But you do need to help her understand that she has a bad reputation because of her approach, and help her to work out a better approach.

You are assuming she does it consciously and deliberately, is that actually true? If so then I don't see why you can't just take her to one side, give her examples, and tell her it's unacceptable.

I would go firstly for a development conversation - "how did you react to that" "how do you think the other person felt about that" "how do you think they see you now" "how do you think that might affect how everyone else sees you" "do you think that might have a negative effect on your future prospects" "well actually team building and morale is important and you are not very good at it, how can we work together to improve your skills in this area" etc.

One toxic person, no matter how good at their job they are can result in a unhappy, unproductive team. If she can’t change then you may need to manage her out.

It sounds like she is gaslighting.

Has she ever been called out on it? How did you find out? Did one of your reports/their reports tell you directly?

www.mindtools.com/pages/article/interpersonal-skills.htm

Do not let her talk over you, sidetrack or distract or let her bitch about others.

Focus on her behaviour but give constructive advice as how she can improve her communication skills.

I’m very blunt and plain speaking but in a corporate environment I spoke to people in a professional manner and tone.

She is only going to be capable of small change.

I think you will need to speak to her about tone but only do that once you have found a soft skills course for her to go on about interaction.

In the end, if her reports and the other line manager know they have your support and understanding it should help them to be more resilient. A certain level of tolerance of her behaviour is needed.

No doubt it will be why she is not being promoted so she is paying a very public price for it already.

People like this get away with it because their managers put it on the ‘too hard’ pile. So good for you for tackling it. I’d be asking her team for honest feedback and then sharing it with her. And putting her on a performance improvement plan, using your company policies and any HR support you can get. Performance is as much about good behaviours as delivery IMO.

I disagree about tolerating her behaviour btw. It’s what’s happened so far and look at where you are as a result.

And what could happen IME is she could rally her supporters, accuse you of bullying, deny any wrongdoing, resign, bluster, cry, or go off sick.

I’ve had all of the above happen when managing poor behaviours. Make sure you have HR support and that you document everything.

Or she could say omg you're right, I’m sorry, how can I change? But that’s not often people’s first reaction. Be kind but persist, eventually people will thank you for it. Good luck.

People can’t change hugely. Her reports may need to also report to you as well.

Personally, if it has been happening for years I wouldn't pull her in and suddenly highlight it as a huge issue, I would deal with it, and if your other manager has raised it as an issue suggest to them to deal with it, when it happens with a friendly/concerned question. Your other manager is manager level and should be able to do this/it is good experience for them.

"Oh Susan, that was a big sign, what's up?"

"Susan, you sounded a bit sharp there is everything ok?"

Every time. It lets Susan know her behaviour is noticed and it encourages her to think about/verbalise appropriately what the problem is at the time it happens.

If her answers are unacceptable, then deal with it.

You need better information from the other manager. Concrete examples recorded as acurately and factually as possible.

• big sigh!

Some great responses here, thank you.

To address a few points:

@Soola - agreed, it needs to be discussed on those terms, however, my first step will probably be a slightly softer approach. I’ll maybe try to address it in increments.

@LordEmsworth - I actually do think she is well aware of what she does. It may not be a deliberate decision to actively hurt people’s feelings but it’s a view of “I’ll say what I want and not care how others feel about it” in my opinion. I think she takes a certain level of pride in ‘calling a spade a spade’ but she does much more than that. I like your development conversation suggestions.

@Fantail - yes, I think it’s gaslighting and it does affect the team. I know that the previous senior manager addressed it very softly a few years ago but, in general, no. No one has really called her out on this. Numerous people have approached me informally about her with phrases like “this goes no further” or “between you and I”. I always say they are welcome to come to me formally and I will address it, hence my gathering some advice now.

@Waterandlemonjuice - that wouldn’t surprise me at all! I will ensure I take HR guidance.

@Brokenwing - that’s exactly what I suggested her colleague do for now and see what response she gets. I think her confidence is taking a knock and I’m not sure she will. I’ll encourage that though.

I don't understand what "Susan" is saying or doing that is so unpleasant. Heck, maybe I am a insensitive Susan. Except I never want to manage anyone.

It occurs to me that whatever you do about Susan, there is also scope to support the other ("new") manager to find her own strategy for dealing professionally with Susans.

@lljkk - I realise I haven’t been specific so maybe that’s why you don’t understand what Susan has done that is so unpleasant. It’s difficult as it’s not what she says but how she says it and how she behaves.

She is good at her job and experienced. She also thinks that only her way is good enough. If you suggest any potential for improvement in any of her processes, she gets quite upset. A big sigh, pushes papers across the desk dramatically, scoffs, etc. Sometimes she does this weird thing my toddler used to do - it’s almost cartoon-like - she makes fists and a ‘screaming’ face and shakes in fury. Then immediately stops and sarcastically smiles.
Sometimes, if she’s unhappy with something that’s has been said, she will exaggeratedly stare at the person with a look on her face as if she thinks that person is stupid. When she did that to me, I asked her why she was looking at me like that, she appeared outraged and said, for goodness sake I’m just looking at you! Complete gaslighting.

Do you get what I mean now?

Sometimes she does this weird thing my toddler used to do - it’s almost cartoon-like - she makes fists and a ‘screaming’ face and shakes in fury.

" do you know my son George sites the exact same thing with the fists and faces, is it good to get it out your system? Now lets look at this again and see if we can work it out?"

I asked her why she was looking at me like that, she appeared outraged and said, for goodness sake I’m just looking at you

Never ask someone why they are looking at you like that it is too open and can be perceived as confrontational, that look says she isn't happy about something. Ask her directly "susan, this is something you have a lot of experience in/will change your way of working, what do you think/do you want to add anything?"

Sites = does, bloody auto correct

Every time your tone needs to be you are genuinely interested in what she has to say.

Do they use 360 feedback in your workplace? Perhaps this would be a useful tool to start with?

Maybe I don't get it coz I would ideally take a very direct response to those things to brush them aside. ie

A big sigh, pushes papers across the desk dramatically

(ignore) "Anyway, what does everyone thing of the reasons why I think we should do it the new way?"

scoffs, etc.

"Yeah I know it's different. But we haven't tried it before." Repeat reasons why new way will be better.

Sometimes she does this weird thing my toddler used to do - it’s almost cartoon-like - she makes fists and a ‘screaming’ face and shakes in fury. Then immediately stops and sarcastically smiles.

Big smile in reply. "So we'll try things my way then, yes?"

Sometimes, if she’s unhappy with something that’s has been said, she will exaggeratedly stare at the person with a look on her face as if she thinks that person is stupid.

"So are you / is everyone ok with that?" And direct eye contact in return.

If she wants to go into a huff she can enjoy them on her own. Not my party to partake. If she were my line manager I'd be totally diffident, btw, and probably look for another job. But If I didn't have a reason I have to defer to her...

I probably say these things b/c I don't have good social skills & don't really care about huffy people. What's her power? Can she go behind backs & complain bitterly (making shit up) to try to stir up bad feeling with everyone else in the firm?