Not sure - graphic - trigger

[bytrfhko]

Name changed for this.

Help me with this one please.

Say I used to be in a relationship with the father of my child, but he was emotionally abusive and kept dipping in and out both of our lives so we are no longer together.

He barely sees our child.

Tonight he messages asking if we're home so he can pop and see our child.

He spends time with our child and then we put our child to bed etc. Then we chill out a little, watch TV etc.

Say he then kind of pins my down so I cannot move and keeps trying to touch my boobs and vagina. Say I keep repeatedly saying no whilst attempting to move his hands away. This goes on for about 25 minutes. I keep saying no and keep moving his hands from me but unable to move his entire self.
After then he manages to touch my vagina. I keep saying no and pulling him off. He continues. He then tries to put his penis inside me, I put my hand in front of my vagina so he cannot and say no. Eventually he pulls my hand off and puts his penis inside and I just give up. We have sex.

When we used to have sex ages ago there was often resistance from me. In the end I guess I enjoyed it but after I felt shit again. It's not romantic. He doesn't even kiss me.

What just happened?

Sorry I'm waffling, I'm just trying to figure it all out. Now I feel angry, used and dirty. I didn't want that to happen.

That’s rape. I’m so sorry.
Do you want to report him?

What you are saying is that you were raped. The question is what action do you want to take?

Is it rape?
I'm so confused. That word is so huge. I don't think he wanted to do that.
I think he thinks I resisted as some kind of turn on, by the remarks he was saying.
But if he thinks I enjoyed it when we had sex, is that rape?

You were saying no, you didn’t want it, it was definitely rape

Yes it was definitely rape.
You were saying no.

Yes, he may of acted like it was a game and it turned him in but the question is - did you agree to it? If not then it was rape

Sorry I'm just so confused.
It's like this used to happen all the time and now I'm thinking about it deeply. So if it was this time, was it every time?
I don't even want to say the word because it seems far fetched I can't explain.

It was rape. The fact that you were not consenting to his advances and clearly saying he should stop makes it so.

Yes it was, all the times. You have been sucked into believing that it isn't through his abuse. You've come to normalise it (if that makes any sense), so much so, that you consider clear rape to be far-fetched. Might be worth seeing a therapist.

It's clear this felt awful and has left you in a very confused place. I agree that its rape but I can understand that seems to big a word to comprehend right now, and all the implications it might mean for you and the relationship you had with him.

If you contacted the police it might be the quickest way to put you in some support but if that is too big a hurdle you can contact the Rape Crisis centre on 0808 802 9999

In the meantime I think you should seriously ask someone to come and keep you and your child company today to let you have a bit of space to step away if you needed a break.

This was definitely rape, and it sounds like he used to rape you regularly when in your relationship.

If you feel up to it, give rape crisis a ring and they’ll help you talk through things:

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/
0808 802 9999

She tried .
In her head she is now trying to make it less bad @MinxyMoos
@bytrfhko this is rape. Contact the number pp have mentioned .
Do not let him in to your home.

Minxy I have reported your post-absolute horrible nonsense and so harmful to the OP,you should be ashamed of yourself. OP I hope you have some real life support and are able to tell someone what happened. He raped you, and you didn’t deserve it.

It was rape op. Please don't think any of it was in any way your fault, and it's understandable that you're confused and it's hard to accept that this is what it was, contact the number given above.

I could have written this word for word back in November, except he wasn't the father of my child.

I knew instantly it was rape. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe and I called my friend as soon as he left and run away. After him continually pulling my hands away and me fighting his hands off me I too gave up. I knew it would be over soon, but I'd never felt pain like it.

I did report him, he was arrested for rape and he knew he'd done something wrong because it took them 8 days to find him. But charges were dropped after almost four months due to lack of evidence.

I had an internal injury and my friend was a witness because I contacted her immediately. I had his DNA.

I'll probably get absolutely roasted for this, but if you decide to report him please be aware that it may amount to nothing. That doesn't mean it didn't happen. The police very much believed me especially after speaking with him and hearing his version of events.

I used to see this guy for a couple of months back in 2016, and after I started questioning every single time before and realised that he was always pushy, I just couldn't see it. But the final time was most definitely rape for me.

As much as it hurt that he got away with what he did, and the fact his girlfriend at the time knew what he was arrested for and still stayed with him, he knows that I know what a piece of shit he is and he's disappeared. It's about setting boundaries and I'd like to think that now he would think twice about doing it again.

While he was on bail I'd found out he was doing similar things and sleeping around while with his girlfriend around the same time he raped me, I just hope one day someone else will come forward or he will learn from what he did with me and realise it was wrong.

This man is the father of your child and you need to think carefully on how to approach this situation, because this may well happen again.

If you want to report it I'd strongly advise you not to wash, keep all your clothing and do it sooner rather than later. There's only a 7 day window that they can collect DNA evidence from him.

@minxyMoos what a disgusting reply. My ex used to do the same to me and then had a way of thinking I was mad and wanted it really. It's only once we had split up I started to realise what it really was.

Op as others have said this is rape. You clearly said you didn't want it. Take care of yourself.

Horrible nonsense and disgusting? I think you need to wake up to reality. A horrid and disgusting response to this would be " you deserved to be treated like this". I have said nothing like this!!! I think you are making up believe that it's ok to be unsure about this issue.

Well it's not. Many men get accused falsely, likewise, many men get accused and rightly so!!! Also many men goto court and even though they are guilty as hell, they get out of it because testimony was weak and lack of evidence and hesitation by victim.

That's why I said OP needs to sort her head out and become empowered by help outside! Currently, if she reports this to police with the same things she has said, he is going to get away with what he has done.

I'm saying in no uncertain terms as I did not say it in my first post clearly enough- what happened to OP is unconsensual and rape and it's absolutely horrible, no one deserves that!. At the same time, I am saying, definitely sort your head out with what you want in life as there is so much available as help for you!!! Again, about this kind of issue, dont hesitate about right and wrong- this matter is so serious. Empower yourself.

If people find what I am saying disgusting and nonsense- pls tell me as I am having difficulty in making sense of why. ...genuinely

@MinxyMoos I saw your op, calling me weak.
Your suggestion makes you weak.
HTH

Thanks everyone else.

I've had time to think, you're all right. It was rape.
Does anyone know if I can contact those people that take a statement etc and store it all until I decide how to proceed?

I feel so disgusting. I need to get checked.

I really want to cut everything he touched. I don't want it anymore.

You poor thing. It was rape and he is absolutely disgusting.

There is support out there to help you with how you're feeling at the moment. Hope you feel able to get this help soon.

There is also help to protect you from this happening again. You don't have to deal with this on your own xx

@HollowTalk @MyMushroomsInATimeSlip
Thank you so much.
I've been sexually assaulted before. But this was different, he's my ex partner, father of my child, and because this has happened so many times before with him it's really confusing. It's like all the prior times were rape too. This time was a bit different because we're estranged and I know he's been with other people and I really really didn't want this to happen. I'm scared he might have given me something.

But all the other times WERE rape too, OP. I'm really sorry.

Do you feel you can talk to the police about this?

@bytrfhko I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar when I was 16 but I was so young and naieve I didn't report it. I didn't see how wrong it was at the time. I wish I had reported it as he could have gone on to rape/harm other people.

Please seriously consider reporting him. Do not change or wash the bed sheets (or wherever this incident took place) because the Police will need it as evidence. As a couple of others have said, give Rape Crisis a call and they will talk you through everything and offer you some support.

Most importantly you need to keep yourself and your child safe. Please change the locks and do whatever you need to do to protect yourselves. You're one brave lady

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. Giving you a very big un-mumsnetty hug here.

I am a sexual assault survivor and I can tell you some things that might help clarify your confusion.

You say you enjoyed it. There is alot of confusion with this. It's called Unwanted Arousal. It happens and not alot of people know about it. It's why people can get turned on at the thought of seemingly unsexy things.
Your body will have a sexual response but you don't want to have sex. Emily Nagoski does some brilliant talks on this. Particularly her TED talk on YouTube.

Getting wet is not consent. If you orgasm, that's also not your fault and is not consent. It's just your body displaying Unwanted Arousal. It's a source of massive guilt for survivors of rape and assault (it certainly was for me).

You said no multiple times. Just the once should have been enough to stop things. You even physically put up a fight. Not everyone does that! Eventually, our reptilian brains give in and do what it thinks is best to survive. Sometimes it's fight, sometimes it's flight, sometimes it's freeze.

I would strongly encourage you to report this. Even if nothing comes of it, a file will be made against him. That will be stored on the police database. If he ever does it again, to you or anyone else, you have that there to help.

Please don't suffer in silence either. Call your local Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling centre. Get specialist counselling. It really does help.

And... if you ever need someone to listen. Just to make sense of things, or just to vent, we are here on MN. I am here. PM me if you like. We all need someone to talk to, free of judgement. The counselling will give you that but just in case you ever feel alone... I want to reassure you, you are not. That horrible shitty feeling you have at the moment will pass in time and you will start to make sense of things soon.