Military wife

[GinevraWeasley]

My husband is in the military, I am frequently referred to as a Military wife. This really annoys me for a couple of reasons. I am actually qualified to a higher level and get paid a lot more than my husband but he is not defined by my career. Additionally this seems to be a term reserved for female spouses, I have never heard a man referred to as a Military husband. Some people seem to like it because it they say it expresses the difficulties of being married to someone in that career, but I have never heard my friend get referred to as an "offshore workers wife" despite their relationship experiencing the same difficulties with unpredictability and distance.

I actually think the term encourages women to give up their lives/careers and become a trailing spouse without considering long term implications e.g. should the marriage break up, life after the military where private rent is far more expensive, moving children's schools every couple of years etc. It's almost referred to as the equivalent of a job title.

Just wondered if anyone else was in a similar situation and hates this term?

I don’t see how it’s offensive at all. Are you in army accommodation? There is nothing wrong with being a trailing spouse. You come across like you look your nose down at other military spouses.

Perhaps you could explain why you don't think it's offensive instead of just disagreeing? To me it's a term defining me by my husbands career just because I am a woman and in spite of the fact that I have a successful career that I have worked very hard to achieve. My husband has never once been referred to as "my career" husband, to me it's a sexist term.

I do not look down on trailing spouses what I was trying to say is that I also think that "military wife" is a loaded term, often used similarly to a job title and glamourises a role that in reality can leave women in a vulnerable position. It can be quite emotive e.g. serving your country by supporting your spouse, and I am concerned that it can mean that some women do not necessarily consider the long term implications. If a young woman was to come on mumsnet and ask should she give up her job, move far away from friends/family to be with a husband that will be moved frequently restricting her ability to get a job (sometimes to places abroad where she could not work even if she wanted to) when he is on an average salary that alone would not be enough to cover the basics if his work did not provide accommodation, I would imagine people would advise her to think carefully before putting herself in such a vulnerable position.

I’m not sure what you are wanting here. Well done for doing so well. Accept that for a lot of wives of the military is as bad as you have pointed out. I hate to say it, but the world is a sexist place. Also, see vicar’s wife. Could be well-paid in a successful job. 🤷🏽‍♀️

My mother was a military wife, moved every 2 years or so, couldn't hold down a job : who'd hire her? I went to 5 schools between the ages of 9-11.

The term military wife doesn't offend her, much as 'forces child' doesn't offend me. They're old-fashioned terms, but imvho inoffensive. I think if you have DC now the military doesn't tend to post you so often.

I agree with you. But i think part of the problem is that loads of woman (most of the ones i met that are in this situation) love being called that, love the drama, and love telling other people that “they will never understand...”.
My OH is in the forces, but no one ever called me a “military wife” because we don’t live anywhere near the base, we don’t socialise with other forces families, and i have a quite a good career on my own.

Hi elquinto, my parents were in the military too and I grew up in a military town. Funnily enough I was never referred to as a forces child though. Unfortunately having children has no influence on your postings and there is actually still a certain expectation that there is a wife at home so that childcare is not the problem of the serving spouse.

Hi Chickenish, I just wanted to chat about/get other people's thoughts on the term to be honest as I was a bit bored and after being referred to as a military wife yet again thought I would see if anyone else gets just as frustrated. Also wanted to highlight that it is a sexist term because it's been normalised to such a point that people use it without thinking what it actually means.

I was a military wife for years - while also being the main breadwinner - and grew up as a barrack brat. Neither term bothered me at all. The place cards at guest nights calling me Mrs Major when my name’s Ms Human used to piss me off a bit.

Hi early bird, agree with what you have said as well. I lived in the area before meeting my husband and will not be moving so sounds like we are in a similar situation

I didn’t mean to offend you by my reply and I apologise if I did. I was a military spouse for years. I never felt it was offensive but that’s probably because no one has ever said it to me in an offensive way. You do get the ones who love being called it and thrive on the drama of it.

I suppose I was one of the lucky ones in that being a trailing spouse it never hindered my career. I’m a teacher and I always found a job when we moved.

As for the pay, it’s not an average salary. Yes a private’s wage might be but above a lance corporal the wage is above the national average. Take in to account the accommodation if needed it takes you well above. No it’s not £100k a year but it is a decent wage.

I find it offensive too, but the military massively perpetuate the problem by calling spouses 'dependants', whether or not they are the breadwinner. That's just a recipe for women feeling worthless.

Being called a dependent when I earned more than him just made me laugh. What really made me incandescent was when his deep vetting came up and I had to hand over my bank and credit card statements. Cheeky bastards.

Dependent makes us sound like children.

I think it's changing. More and more partners have independent careers, there's more married unaccompanied, more weekly commuting, more serving people making choices around their partners careers. I know a lot of wives who work from home.

I’m a military wife. Can’t say I’ve ever felt offended by the term, but then my husband is USAF and both men and women are referred to as dependents, not only women.

As his dependent I have Tricare health insurance, and access to the bases, so I suppose both of those are dependent on my marriage to him.

My father was in the army and his father, and grandfather and his great grandfather and even his father fought and lived in India. They made their lives there until the earlier part of the 20th Century when events made them return. From records, the wives ran the homes and farms. Two of them were Indian, never referred to as ‘military wives’ only farmers and they made their lives in the UK.

If I look at people I know who have husband's or partners in the military, the ones who are professionals in their own right with their own careers (even if part time or who have had a career break) etc tend to eye roll at the military wife thing and based on what they've told me seem to associate it more with women who spend a lot of time at home with kids, living in barracks, gossiping with other military wives and not getting out that much.

I thought it might have been a bit judgey at first, but after hearing their tales I realised people I know who embrace the military wife identity are the ones who don't have their own careers and identities beyond being the a parent and spouse of a serviceman and a lot of their chat and social media shares comes back to being the spouse of a serviceman.

There’s definitely a ‘military wife’ community, of dependents that don’t really leave base, only mix with other dependents, and, I hate to say it, are often involved with MLMs.

A bit off subject but I find the whole trailing around thing ridiculous in this day and age. We're beyond the days of whole regiments being wiped out so I dnt know why its not all done locally. The exectations of an old fashioned wifey set up needs to go along with it. I know the army is currently deserate to ditch the cavemen in their ranks and this would go a long way to helping.

I never found it offensive, just mildly irritating and almost amusing the way some women wear it as a job title. It rarely got used for me though because I refused to 'trail' and just turned up at occasional dinner nights if I could fit it round my career.

I made the mistake of going to a book club on the patch once, straight from work, and the sneering from some of the 'professional wives' was shocking in it's judgement . Apparently having my own career was unsupportive of DH's career; people like me shouldn't go to patch events as they're for mums; why had I gone along when I was clearly only interested in my career and was never going to have kids and join in properly (I was 9 weeks pregnant with no.2 at the time) etc. Brought it home to me why it was so important to carry on with my career as I was never going to fit in.

And it has reaped dividends in DH's transition out of the forces. Others we have known to struggle, as their H has taken a pay cut on leaving and they have had the shock of having to return to work after a decade or more out of paid employment, in order to balance the household finances.

Many regiments do stay in one place for years. We've just moved from Germany where the regiment has been for decades. The new home of that regiment is purpose built so they will probably be there a long time. The regularly moving ones are the minority.

Hi Slazenger, no apology needed. What I meant by average salary was that it's not a high salary, it's enough to run one household but in the event of a split the woman could walk away with no assets/cash and have lots of gaps in their CV so struggle to find a job, add children in to the mix and it can be even harder.

I was a Pad brat. So were my kids. I eas also a military wife.

None offend me.

For a while I didn't have my own career. I was a sahm for 7 years but in those 7 years we moved 6 times so doubt I'd have progressed far in any career.

The word dependent us the only term thst grinds my gears a bit in the military world.

Being a military wife didn't define me. Nor did being a Pad Best. It's the easiest was to describe our lifestyle more than a title.

If you look at military wives on any camp or any other setting. They are a diverse bunch of individuals. Some leading the way in thier chosen careers, others say, some very well educated from very upper class backgrounds, some less educated blah de blah. We all have one thing in common. We are all married to people in the military. That makes us military or service wives alongside wherever else we are.

A sahm isn't just sahm, she is also a person who may be a million ither things as well, it's just a title or term to describe her lifestyle. Military/service wife is the same.

I personally find “dependant” way more offensive and patronising than “military wife”!

Try being a 'military wife' and bring in the military yourself. The wives look at you like you are constantly going to try and steal their husbands and even when I was heavily pregnant never wanted to help me out. I just stay out of all the politics on a married quarter patch, especially when you have wives who think they are the same rank as their husband

Yes, the ones that wear their husband’s rank are very tedious.

Hi Grimgirl, but does it not bother you that only women get referred to by this term? It would surely be a descriptor of a lifestyle regardless of the sex of the spouse but yet I have never heard a male spouse get referred to as a Military husband. While dependant is patronising and often incorrect it is used for both male and female spouses, it's the sexism of the term military wife that bothers me.