This isn’t really a friendship anymore is it?

[EL8888]

I have a long-term friend of 30+ years but increasingly she’s not acting like a friend (well not a good one).

In any conversation that’s had online or face to face she always has to make clear she has it so much harder than me and l have it “easier”. E.g. l mentioned earlier on this year that l was feeling low about fertility issues but was trying to cheer myself up with some days out and holidays. Her answer was “l would love to take more holidays but we spend so much money on childcare!!!”. Which is obviously more than a bit tactless. She makes minimal effort to meet up and when she does wants to do what suits her e.g. time, location, activity etc. Despite the fact I’m only ever in our home town for a limited time and need to catch up with other friends / family members. She hasn’t come to see me in over 5 years, she said it’s impossible to travel when you have small children 🤔. I invited her via group message to a party for a significant birthday for me, she read it but never replied. I messaged her individually but she never specifically replied about if coming or not

Within the last communication from me to her was me mentioning that l was feeling ill from fertility drugs, mentally and physically. Had accidentally overslept and was lucky to make it to work on time. But l was excited about a new job l have been offered. Her answer was basically lucky getting to lie in so late, l have to get up at 5.30am. She then said she would reply properly next day but never did. Didn't even put a 1 liner or congratulations re. my new job

Just to reassure you lm not all me me. I’m regularly ask how she, her partner, children, job and wider family are etc. So it’s not the me me me show. But increasingly lm resentful that l gave her a lot of support through some tough circumstances in her life and now she doesn’t reciprocate. Plus infers at every turn l have things “easier”

She sounds like a drain. I had a friend like this, I limped on for years everythign she ever said was negative, my life was always so much better (er I went out to work, so yes I could buy things like a house car etc).

I once bought her an ice cream at a shopping centre, she had 'forgot' her purse, and she turned to me and said "you know, if you were on our money, you wouldn't be able to afford things like this". She used to make me feel really guilty about my life being different to hers

Anyway best thing I did was just walk away, the negativity was just too much

How many children does she have and how old are they? Does she work full time?

@GreenwoodLane she has a 3 year old and a 4.5 year old. She works 4 days a week

Oh and l probably mention she previously had fertility issues. So she should have more of an insight into our fertility issues

she turned to me and said "you know, if you were on our money, you wouldn't be able to afford things like this".

@Oldraver I would have probably snapped back and said something like "and if you went out and actually got a job (or 'actually worked towards a better job', whichever is more relevant) you would be able to afford things like this!" But I can be a bitch,

OP, she is not your friend. You may have been friends forever but you don't have to keep it up just because you have history. Pull back and if she asks why, just tell her she's draining you, always being better at something, or having everything worse than you. Being all about me me me all the time and if she doesn't see it, tell her to just reread all your messages.

My group has a friend that 'if you said you went to Tenerife she'd say she's been to Elevenerife', as the saying goes. It was amusing for a while and by the time we were ready to pull her up on it she stopped doing it as much. Now she's a good friend. It doesn't sound like you even want to keep trying with yours after this long. So don't. And I wish you the very best of luck beating that infertility issue.

I do wonder if she’s struggling. Ok hers aren’t tiny tiny any more but they’re still small under school age (just). Parenting is absolutely overwhelming. It absolutely consumes you. She has hinted at money worries. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not in a good place.

Sometimes relationships aren't in the best interest of either party, and perhaps it's time to pull back on this one as for whatever reason, she has lost touch with what you are currently facing. I have this with a friend currently too, it's hard to describe it, but every interaction with her always return to her and I realise I can't cope with her right now. Either it's about her or she puts down something about me, 'you're always having accidents, you're so silly' etc etc. I am so tired. I have also been wondering if I am just purely attracting people who dislike me as I seem to have this over and over again. Bleh.

She's not being a helpful supportive friend, and if I was trying to be nice about it I guess I would say that working 4 days a week with two toddlers mustn't leave her a lot of spare time to communicate or to meet up - particularly if her DH perhaps isn't as hands on as he should be ( making that bit up)

However her comments in light of the fact you're going through fertility treatment are cruel and I would park the friendship for now.

@GreenwoodLane no significant money worries l am aware of. They own a few buy to let properties and her partner has his own business. She is more resentful of how much nursery fees they pay. They seem to have the money for new cars, Centre Parcs etc

The problem is just because you’re in a bad place then you can’t be vile to other people. I’m not in a good place, this year has been very challenging but l still try to be a good friend to people. I appreciate everyone has their problems and very few peoples lives are a walk in the park

Then you’re best off parking the friendship I’d say. Particularly if you feel that it’s dragging you down.

@rookiemere she acts like her fertility issues never happened

It sounds like hard work. I could understand you just going NC but I’d be tempted to call her out on things she says:

“Wow, it’s a bit insensitive to moan about your childcare when you know we’re struggling with fertility treatments.”

“Oh, you’re short of money? Didn’t you just go to Center

Have a bit of fun with it maybe the message will get through.

Stop trying with her and see what happens.

I'd not bother messaging her. Sounds like it's one sided now anyway. If she messages you, don't jump to reply.

@100timewforgotten yeah lm leaving the ball in her court. I’m around in a few weeks for my cousins hen, l have made clear when l am free around that time. I did sense a put out vibe for her that l wasn’t 100% flexible but it’s for a hen do and being harsh my cousin actually makes effort to come see me

@Mabelface l won’t be in any rush!

@PuppyMonkey it is tempting! Part of the fun would be her response to me calling her out which would most likely consist of her telling how hard she’s had it and l don’t know what it’s like 🙄

@Woollycardi it’s draining being on the receiving end isn’t it?

@MarySibleysFamiliar thanks for the advice and good wishes

@Oldraver yep l can relate and they have a similar flavour don’t they?

Let her go, sometimes you just need to. I ended a forty year friendship last year, some similar issues with snide remarks, frequent complaints about "never seeing me " although it was impossible to make a firm arrangement with her, etc. Something happened in the end that just made me snap, much to her surprise. It is sad, I do wish her well but I'm not willing to be treated like that.

Ugh, I'd give her a wide berth OP, people like this suck the life out of you.
You're a person with valid feelings & she's essentially trying to suppress that and control the conversation. You aren't allowed to be yourself, because she's too busy having a competitive grief wank to care about how you feel.

I had a friend like this when DC were small. She had 4 DC, and I simply wasn't allowed to have any feelings, negative or positive. If I said I was tired or felt drained, it was met with "How do you think I feel?" or "You don't know what tired means".
If I said I was looking forward to the weekend as DH & I had a meal booked, it was "Must be nice to have babysitters on tap"
One-upmanship is bloody tiresome. If I was woken at 6am, her kids were up at 5am.
If I grabbed a quick slice of toast, she didn't eat anything. Life is too short for these types of people.
I eventually snapped after one comment too many, and she never called back thank god .

I'd drop her, OP. She only cares about herself & only considers her own feelings, which imo isn't a very equal friendship.