I'm sad, tell me something funny

[ParmesanOfVirtue]

Any funny stories / jokes to make me smile? I've had a bad day & feeling miserable & lonely. Thanks

I'm a teacher and have to do some inset days next week and my small boy thinks I'm going for 'insect training' I'm not sure which insect he expects me to come home as but I fear he'll be disappointed.

I went to a wedding recently where the minister got tongue tied while talking about the wedding at Cana and resoundingly bellowed out to the assembled guests that Jesus called for the Breast Wine (instead of best wine). It was a very stuffy, formal catholic wedding and I thought I might die trying not to laugh.

Ah that is funny / sweet red car - I remember when my son would have said that sort of thing :)

Posh - oops !

My favourite joke:

How do you get Pickachu on a bus?

Pokemon!

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

My 6 year old telling me her favourite joke:

Why did the skeleton not go to the party? Because he had no one to go with!

Are you sure it’s not ‘nobody to go with’? Because he doesn’t have a body?

No mum. He has no one to go with. He’s very lonely.

I removed my racing snail's shell.

I thought it would make him faster but it's made him more sluggish.

I was talking to my son, while we were stood outside by the apple tree, and I was telling him about all the things we would make, like Apple sauce, apple pie, apple compote and apple butter.
While we were chatting, a little girl was playing near by, I didn't pay mind at the time.
The next day, I was working inside, but with the door open, and I heard the same little girl, playing with some other children.
I heard her say, " I'm gonna pick apples and make apple pie and apple compost!"

Thank you for these - racing snail

My happy ddog back from her walk. First pic with new phone too!

Overheard in poundland this morning: "It's been so hot I'm thinking of getting one of those dehumanizing machines for the bedroom."

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m0007lk3/the-mind-of-herbert-clunkerdunk

Hope you're not still sad but if you are, watch this.

My 6 year old put the cat out and smugly said 'that will be a nice consequence for him'. Surprised I asked what the cat did wrong.
Boy: 'he's illiterate'
Me (more surprised): you tried to make the cat read, honey?'
Boy laughing a big belly laugh:' No mummy! He didn't use his litterbox, he's illiterate! '

What you call a vampire with a car on his head?
Jackula.

Originally from Europe, Arnold Schwarzenegger has musical ancestry on his mother's side.
His great grandfather is actually Johann Sebastian Bach's brother Albie.

My grandad always used to say "Out with the old, in with the new".
Brilliant grandad, useless antiques dealer.

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "Not very good at maths".

BREAKING: A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.