What to do with my 6yo DD

[Wineoclock19]

My DD is 6.5 and has an awful attitude, she is a very confident, determined, happy child but it’s getting out of control! She’s fantastic and well behaved for everyone but me! Her school reports have always been amazing and as parents we often get told how impressive her manners are.

At home it’s a whole different ball game, she is not a spoilt child and knows what it means to if she wants something she has to earn it by making her bed or the simple smaller things a 6yo is capable of, I don’t know if the attitude is a mixture of the general mingling with other children or early hormones setting in but it’s like having a 14 year old and you have grounded them and cut off the WIFI!

Her attitude does get her into trouble with the having a time out, spending time in her bedroom (no toys upstairs, so nothing to play with) cancelled play dates, loss of pocket money etc but it doesn’t change and she’s got into a habit of saying sorry but not meaning it then gets cross and angry when I explain to her simply saying the word “sorry”’doesn’t change anything.

Is anyone else in this boat or experienced it ?

Have you asked her? Maybe take her out somewhere fun of her choosing and have a low key chat. Maybe along the lines of... school tell me X but I've noticed that...

Yes, myself and DH have sat down with her separately on a few occasions and originally she was majorly missing time with DH as he works full time in the week, has his own business that he covers in evenings and also works away on occasions so we made an effort where they would have lots of alone time together where they done special things like going for breakfast without me and they do movie dates and she chooses their snacks and again I make myself scarce and I also try and do the same for her but I always have in mind I don’t want her to think she has to
Much control over us so I’m the bad guy and sometimes have to say no to things and remind her she’s just had a special breakfast out, going out for lunch with mum will have to be another day. It seems nothing is enough to satisfy her and it’s creating a bad energy and with her birthday and Christmas coming up it’s making me really want to cut back as nothing will be appreciated just her asking for me as it’s the only time she knows she doesn’t have to work to get the treats.. sorry for long rants

It sounds like she is caught in spiral of negativity.

You need to break the cycle.

Start to praise very small good things. Start to tell her what a good girl she is and rather than go all out punish, removing for bad stuff, deflect, ignore. It may take two weeks.
No annoyance or cross and when she's calm and good lavish her with affection.
Start to talk about how we have feelings and what to do if we feel angry etc.

6 years has no concept of money or anything like that. Lower goals. Don't keep punishing.

Start positively rewarding. Dc
Become what you keep telling them. Don't talk about her in ear shot.
Massive distractions, I'd have magazines ready... Blah I got magazine for you (as she kicks off) would you like to look at it or do you want to be angry.

Start distractions... Love bomb. They are so tiny still and have limited understanding.

Also the wanting something and earning it....

At 6 I think I'd be badgering for Christmas too.
There is school of thought that you don't pay, reward for basic every day tasks like bed.
She's doing really well for 6 I certainly couldn't get mine to make her bed!!
Maybe you've got her into this... I do now I get reward cycle.. Again perhaps just ease her out of it.

I have a six year old DD who sounds quite similar. Honestly I think you have to go with the flow a bit. They are all confused with wanting to be grown up and autonomous but still want to be little babies and cuddle their mummy.

Cognitively they aren't yet developed enough to control their emotions or consider how their actions will effect others.

Is she a bit worried about going into a new year group? I know my dd is quite anxious about new teachers etc

So much going on in their tiny brains. I think love bombing, listening, positive reinforcement all work.

Good luck.

Date nights with her dad? Is that a thing now?
Sounds like she holds a lot of sway in your household.

Decide on the things that really bother you and punish those only.
Let the small stuff wash over you.
Is it possible you've got in a spiral of telling her off a lot because she seems to be doing a lot of thing wrong?
I went through this with one of my children, and realised that I was mostly concentrating on the negative.
Once I worked it out, things got better.

It seems a weird mix of a lot of control coupled with none and in many ways too high expectations of her behaviour from you.

She is 6 not 14 and you treating her like a teenager could be causing some of it.

If she is fine and well behaved at school its likely she is treated correctly and appropriately for a 6 year old

She gets a lot of praise and as I said majority of the time the attitude isn’t an issue .. the problem was how to handle the attitude when it is a problem. At times we can talk about what upset her but sometimes she can simply just wake up in a terrible mood despite a good nights sleep and just be in that mood all day, I appreciate we all wake up in bad moods and at times get snappy and short with others but when it’s your child and you are at the brunt of it, it becomes frustrating. I appreciate at the age of 6 emotions can’t be controlled and they don’t always know how to express themselves but equally in that moment I don’t think it’s appropriate to let your child speak badly and behave the way they want either, some will say “is she showing off for attention” and no she isn’t. No matter what age, a child has to understand right from wrong.

The date night with her dad? I never said she has a date night. Because DH is very rarely home she said she missed him and wanted daddy time as she always has mummy time... I know several people where one parent will take their child out for a breakfast or to the play park to have bonding time. Sometimes it can be the most simple thing of just going to the shop with him.

She isn’t treated like a teenager in anyway at all, i referred to that age to show what the attitude is like. A lot of the small stuff does get brushed over and punishment is only given if DD goes to far. Obviously there isn’t space to right down every part of family life nor should anyone indulge in every small detail of how their household runs, my comments where solely based on how to cope with the attitude and how we try to do things now and if anyone else was in the same boat.

As for working for a treat, it’s not child labour it’s simple - if she wants a new box of Lego for £30 she won’t just get it but if she makes her bed in the mornings and puts her dirty laundry in the basket that will get her pocket money which means she can then buy the things she’s asked for. Children don’t understand the value of money but they should be taught from a young age that they can’t just have what they want when they want it.

The thing is it’s a good thing you take the brunt of it. At that age they are really learning appropriate behaviour and how to act and interact at school. Sometimes this can be huge (remember they are interacting with and playing with a load of six year olds) and the stress of doing that comes out.

You are her safe space where she feels comfortable to do so, to let out everything she has been keeping in

Have a read of 1,2,3..magic. Our DD is like this (same age). We were struggling to discipline and stay in control. We’ve found this approach the best way to manage the small things (like refusal to get into a car seat). We do reduce screen time if it’s really bad behaviour because that’s the one thing that motivates her!