Being an older mother in an area where it's unusual

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I'm pretty sure I'm being daft, but I can't shake this so I'm hoping you lot can help :)

I'm 36, almost 37 and my husband is 42. We're TTC our first. We're really excited (and aware that nothing is guaranteed at all) but I have this lingering anxiety that we would be the oldest parents around and it's really getting me down.

All our friends have had their children already, and we live in an area that seems to have a pretty low average age for having children (north east England).

We don't feel too old at all and I really don't think we are, but it's more how old the other parents will be at group events, in the playground etc. I feel like our (hopefully) future child could miss out on playdates etc because I'm too old for the new mother group.

Writing it out I feel like I'm being silly, and really our only other option would be to decide not to have a child which we don't want to do so it's pointless to think about it. But I do think about it, too bloody much, and I'd like to stop.

So, any 'older' mothers, if you're in an area where that's unusual did it have any effect? Or in general, can someone give me a shake (or say if I'm it's actually a reasonable concern?). Thank you!

My sister had her first and only child at 39. As far as I can tell, it made no difference to anything regarding play dates and any other social event. Everyone was inclusive and she has remained friends with younger parents.
However, at nearly 50 with a 10 year old she gets a bit annoyed when strangers make the assumption she is the grandparent.

I am quite happy to have playdates with mums 10 years younger than me - our children being friends is the connection. I don't really notice the age difference actually. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Congratulations

Ooops I mean good luck! (Hopefully congratulations will be in order soon)

When you're discussing poo and weaning, I'm sure other mums won't even notice your age.

Thanks all, this is encouraging - obviously I have no idea what it's like at child-based activities so I've been assuming the worst.

Among my friends is one ten years younger than me and one ten years older! Like a pp we have our kids in common and also shared parenting experiences.

I’m ten years older than most of my DCs friends’ parents - I noticed it a bit more when they were younger but now they’re teenagers I can honestly say it makes no difference whatsoever.

I've been both
I had dd1 at 15. As you can imagine I was the youngest mum at all the baby groups I went to. I'm still friends with a couple of them all these years later.

Had dd2 at 38. Two of dd1's friends from school were in the hospital at the same time as me, I felt ancient.
Where I live I would say I'm probably one of the older mothers. It doesn't affect any relationship I have with other mums at any groups we go to.

Thanks very much for these experiences, it sounds like it's not going to be an issue! Will save this thread to read again next time this anxiety gets to me :)

I am old! But I find the difference is more between first time mums and those who already have children. I'm not stressing about the baby reaching milestones or sterilising everything in sight, whereas the first time mums, whatever their age, are more worried about things and their conversations reflect that. So I haven't bothered with baby groups this time around. So I think you'll be fine!

I think it's more about lifestage than age. I was quite late with my children and so my mum friends were mostly around a decade or so younger than me, but I never felt 'different' because our experience of daily life was similar.

I did get compliments on how cute my 'grandchildren' were from strangers, it usually meant I was overdue for a hair appointment to cover up my grey roots.

Makes no difference. The cohort of parents at my DD's primary school included (to my surprise) one mum older than me and one my age. I was 41 when dd was born. The rest of the mums were either young enough to be my daughter (iyswim) or my baby sister.
No big deal. We all rubbed along well enough although some of their mums were initially discombobulated to meet me in the playground.

We're not quite your age (34 and 37), but it crossed my mind when we moved from an area where DP was bang on average to have a first pregnancy (35) to an area where, yes, it's usual to have your children a bit earlier. I think my parents notice it more TBH - they reckon they look elderly for grandparents and they've obviously made several people's days by mistaking grandma for mum in the play park!

I don't think it matters much.

I had mine at 37 and 39 (DH is 9 years older)and was probably one of the older mothers. I did meet other mothers at playgroups and later at the PTA but I can't say that I made proper friends with any. Once your children go to secondary school you never see other parents again. The age difference with other parents became more noticeable as my DC got to mid and late teens. DH and I retired and obviously other younger parents were still working.

I had mine at 37 and 40. When I went to an antenatal class with my first, one of the other women was 17 and I was older than her mum! I felt ancient, but since then have really not noticed the age difference with other mums - it's not something that comes up in conversation, and I don't think other people care at all even if you are visibly a bit older. I agree with others here - getting on with other mums depends on circumstance and personality, not age.

I don’t think it really matters. I am unusually young. I’m often asked whether I am the nanny/au pair. Apart from that I don’t think that people treat us differently.

I don't think it makes much difference at the toddler p!aygroup nursery stage , in fact I made many younger genuinely good friends then. However, I do feel a lot older and more tired now the teen stage is with us!

We were the opposite. We were the youngest by 10 years of DC1’s friends’ parents and like Boggles, I was often presumed to be the nanny. Once we all got to know each other, it was just normal parent friends. Age didn’t come into it.

I had my child at 43 and he is now 8. I am not the oldest mum in his class! You'll be fine. x

@AlbertWinestein same here! When my Mum does nursery pick up, everyone thinks DS is hers and I'm the au pair. Hilariously, I'm 30 so not even particularly young.

I feel like the age gap was a bigger deal in nct classes then once the babies came noone cared if you were 25 or 45.

Op, I had my ds when I was 45 & 2 months. Yet I wasn’t the oldest mum of children in his year.
Honestly, don’t worry about it because a) you aren’t old, and b) what does it have to do with anyone else anyway? Just don’t tell them.

Good luck

from the opposite end of the scale, I'm 28 and one of the youngest mums in my daughter's reception class.

you just mingle, and make small talk at most, so you don't really need much in common beyond having similarly aged children. Most of the mums and dads I chat with on the school run/ at baby groups in the past are 5-15 years older than me and we all rub along fine. A few I would even consider friends.

Pregnant with my third at 43 (1st at 39, 2nd at 40) I told the midwife that more women over 40 are having children than under 20. She snorted and said 'Not in Rotherham!'