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Original poster

How do deal with racist incident

16 replies

bluemonkeyspots · 27/08/2019 18:11

Honestly don't know what to do about this and would appreciate any help...

Am currently on holiday with Dh his Bf and wife. Dh and I have had a shitty time lately due to his behaviour and I actually wondered about cancelling this holiday but thought the few days would do us good. I've posted about our problems under a previous name but changed for this thread as it's outing,

Anyway..., last night at our busy hotel bar Dh went to the bar while his friends girlfriend went to the toilet. This was during the entertainment, we were sat in a "booth" that consisted of a couch and a few chairs. As it was busy and we had a few empty seats a (black) man came over and put his children in the seats and left them to watch the entertainment, I reached over and got his attention to say the seats were taken but he shooed me off and was quite abrupt in saying they would only be a few minutes.

His English was fairly broken and I'm hopeless at language so pulled back and raised my hands to him to signal it was fine.
When Dh and the gf came back we had a awkward situation where they needed to get their seats back from the dc, I tried go get the dad to put both dc in one seat so we could squash up on the couch but he took the huff and left obviously unhappy with his dc.

Dh's friend then shouted after him something along the lines off "if he wasn't happy in civilisation to get back to the fields"
This then caused ww3 between us all. I've got mixed race nieces and nephews (my white ds has children with her black partner) and can't believe anyone in this day and age still thinks like this. We've spent the shittiest day not talking as Dh has thankfully taken my side but we're all stuck here together for the next three days!!

Friends argument is the guy was a rude prick but even though that is pretty true the usual response would be to roll eyes and think "ok then" I'm honestly at a loss about how we now get through the rest off the week

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2019 18:17

Ffs. What an absolute twat of a man. I think I would go home.

pusspuss9 · 27/08/2019 18:18

hhhmm difficult. Just polite stilted conversation until thankfully time to go home.

NoBaggyPants · 27/08/2019 18:19

I'd be straight and say that, given what's happened, you'd rather spend the rest of the holiday apart from them. There's going to be awkward moments where you bump into each other, but just nod and carry on.

Sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You did the right thing in speaking up.

NoBaggyPants · 27/08/2019 18:20

If your rooms are next to each other, ask at reception if it's possible to move. You can be honest if they ask why, no one wants to be near people like that.

Original poster

bluemonkeyspots · 27/08/2019 18:22

Unfortunately we can't just go home as the flights are booked for later in the week and we couldn't afford to pay for new ones.

It's been a very surreal day of walking past each other like strangers but I'm still fizzing about his comment.

OP posts:

SimonJT · 27/08/2019 18:33

I would be absolutely furious, if I was unable to come home early I would explain why their behaviour wasn’t acceptable and completely cut contact.

Teaandcrisps · 27/08/2019 18:37

Well done OP. In my experience the only way to deal with racists is by being incredibly blunt.

Yesterday I noticed you said...
I imagine that you thought it was an appropriate response
However, from my pov this was unacceptable and personally offensive because...

(Then its over to you if you want to be friends still.)

If we are going to continue to be friends I will not condone racism or racist comments.

OP, I'm afraid these are the times we live in and great that you called it out. You dont have to feel any embarrassment.

Original poster

bluemonkeyspots · 27/08/2019 19:42

I def don't want to be friends anymore. These are people that if we remained friends with wound at some point come into contact with my ds and her partner and dc. It makes my blood boil thinking what he could potentially say behind their backs

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 27/08/2019 21:00

The guy was being an arse, but what's the colour of his skin got to do with anything?
Your friend was vile, good on you for calling it out.
I wouldn't be able to be around comments like that either, winds me right up.

Helmlover1 · 27/08/2019 22:52

I’m sorry to say this but his views are more common than you think. I live in a predominantly white working class community and if this guy had dared to pull a stunt like that in this area, I can, without hesitation, say he would have suffered a fair amount of abuse, and yes mainly around the colour of his skin. I’m not condoning your friend’s behaviour by the way, I’m just saying that other people’s tolerance levels maybe aren’t as high as yours.

ItsNotOn · 27/08/2019 23:07

HelmLover, reading your comment has made me sad. I know that racism exists and I am heartened to read that you do not condone the behaviour. Despite this, you call it ‘dared to pull a stunt like that’. So his colour comes under scrutiny.

If a member of the white working class community ‘dared to pull a stunt like that’ would his colour come under scrutiny too? Or should we expect no better from the white working class community. What is it that makes the white working class community so vile and hostile towards black people?

Original poster

bluemonkeyspots · 27/08/2019 23:38

This isn't a working class member (which is what I am) it's a grammar school educated professional.

It's so flipping tense here it's unreal. We've been out tonight even though we've paid Al inc but with the rubbish exchange rate I'm starting to think putting two flights on the credit card would work out cheaper than trying to avoid each other.

Dd has also got a bad ear ache back home so I'm feeling rotten being away from her. What a shit break this is

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 28/08/2019 00:42

I can see what HelmLover is saying. NOT agreeing it's right, I think it's vile anyone thinking like that.
Just I come from a very white village and area and people do sadly still hold these views.

Ignorance or lack of exposure to people outside their "bubble" so to speak.

Teaandcrisps · 28/08/2019 10:29

How did it go yesterday OP?

Helmlover1 · 28/08/2019 22:13

ItsNotOn- I would have used the phrase ‘pulled a stunt like that’ had the OP been describing the actions of a white bloke- he sounded like a very rude, inconsiderate individual, don’t you agree?

By the way, I’m not implying all white working class people are inherently racist, as that is a sweeping generalisation. However it would be naive to think racism doesn’t still exist within every community, and personally I wouldn’t have been as shocked as the OP seemingly was by her friend’s reaction to this guy’s behaviour.

ItsNotOn · 30/08/2019 20:33

Helmlover1, how can you not be shocked by the field reference?
It kind of implies that he asked for it.

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